Loss Of Love19 Sep, 2014 09:47 AM
I'll keep things short for you, well, as short as I can. Witch really means kinda long. I'm 19. I'm one of those strange people who gives more than they have whenever they can. Doesn't have many true friends, in fact not one real friend. I was just never good with friends. I was always good with ladies if I wanted but I was never into the dating scene through out most high school because I knew the chances of it lasting were slim so no friends and no love life. I did have friends but no real true friends. Family? I was the second oldest. My mother had had my older brother when she was 17. His dad was never in the picture. Then she had me with a different man 2 years later.and he was gone before I was born. 2 years later she married a navy man. They had four kids but divorced a couple years ago. Now my mom has added another two additions to the family. I tell you this because me and my older brother were singled out of the rest. Our parents showed favoritism towards the other kids nor than us. But soon my older brother became.... Privileged because he was oldest. I thought this was normal till I was as old as he was and got treated like a child were he was treated like an adult or had special treatment and that never changed. It wasn't his fault but because of that, we grew apart more than we already had. Through all this they forgot my birthday 5 or 6 times. Treated me somewhat like a guest instead of family. Like a burden. I guess I do feel lol a burden now that I think about it. I was kicked out of the house at seventeen and stayed away because I felt like i was a burden. I never wandered to far because my siblings need me but the point of all this is, I'm alone. No friends, no one to love me, especially no family. They loved me but they never understood me. I was different.
So you could say I wanted someone to love me. I wanted someone to look at me. I wanted someone to look and see how imperfect I was. The good and the bad and accept me. Just accept me no strings like I do for so many people. But nobody did. I became depressed at a very young age. No one new. I doubt anyone knows now.i was once a quiet kid but i grew into a sarcastic person. I had to because it was a way to silently lash out, and secretly tell people my pain. I guess tears of a clown would sum it up. No one knows but what trigger my depression was a close friend who died. The closet I had ever had to a girlfriend.i soon got over it as much as anybody could but each day waking up IDE open my eyes and want to die. I thought about suicide all the time but I never allowed those thoughts to take hold. I decided that I can die when my potential is gone and until that day ill wake up every morning it seems wishing I could end all the pain I feel. I could go though a enormous list of things that hurt me, my bio dad never being there and understanding that from a young age. My new dad choosing a women over me several times, my mom pushing me away, my brother on drugs hanging with the wrong crowd, always being there for my "friends" but having no on. My thought was. God put me here for a reason, I wanted to complete my mission and go home. I was severely depressed about everything it seemed. I could nearly stand sometimes but I put on so many masks to seem strong and everyone buys it. On top of all this, I began having nightmares. I have lucid dreams but I can only control myself,and to an extent things around me but I can't turn nightmares into wonderful dreams. The past two years its seemed like if I sleep before the sun is shining ill dream a death of someone I love.
At this point you could say that I'm troubled in ways but no one knows. They just think I'm a bit odd. Something happened when I met a girl. She wasn't a super model or hot as hell but she was beautiful. She wasn't skinny or tall. Her hips didn't sway like in the movies.she was soft around the waist and it made you want to hold her for eternity, she had long black hair that when it was wet and dried without brushing waved around her right eye in just the right way and looked gorgeous. Her eyes where brown but so beautiful. I would talk to her about the stupidest stuff that she never wanted to talk about so I could look into eyes as long as I could, I fell in love with her but I didn't know that she loved me back. I found out too late because now I cared for this girl with all my heart so I said no to her when she asked me out. It actually hurt but she would never be well of with someone as broken as me. I said no but I found myself picking up the pieces. Maybe I could fix myself and be worthy of dating this perfect angle. Or at least come close. She ended up just kinda moving on to the next guy who I personally knew as an ass hole. She let him fuck her. In my head she was supposed to be mine. I was supposed to become good enough for her but she didn't know. She love the next guy.they broke up obviously because the guy only wanted sex. That's when she came back to me. Because I had always been there. We became somewhat a little more than friends but it always bugged me that she had sex with him when I thought she liked me. Soon we started dating mostly because she asked and I didn't want to lose her.I knew she didn't love me though. Not like I had fallen in love with her. I was her second boyfriend and she didn't love me like she did the first even though she said she loved me first.i didn't care at the moment. When I was with her my problems faded away. I woke up in the morning and only thought of her. She WA always on my mind. Not how much of a disappointment I was, not all the fear and sorrow I felt. Just her. Just her and her query personalities. The she convince me she loved me. But then I found out she had lied but now she really did love me. This happened many times and where she would say love and show that she did not understand what love really was. But I stayed. Because I really did love her. She often compared me to her exe witch created more stress for me. One day a friend of hers made a passing comment about us having sex. She shot it down like it was the Hindenburg. Can't say I wasn't stunned by this. He would have sex with her ex who was an ass and who didn't love her at all, but not me, the one who stayed through the whole thing and loved her with all my heart and soul. I was physically attracted... Well wild about her body but I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. I am a Cristian so it would make sense to do that but it was just the fact that she would let a sleazy guy have sex with her but not me who respected her. Eventually I came to understand that she had been lying about almost everything. I didn't know what to believe. All I knew was that I loved her too much to let her go. And so I held on.
This next part I make no excuses.i cheated. Some might say it wasn't my fault or I didn't know what I was doing but I felt my girlfriend had been cheated that night so I confessed. Now i didn't deserve her. I said things once I realized trying to keep her was selfish that I thought would make her leave. But she stayed. She knew what I was doing. So she stayed as I spewed hateful things to her. She stayed and I couldn't understand why. I wanted her to leave. I wanted her to find somebody better... So I could watch. So I could feel my heart break a hundred million thousand times over so I could get what I deserved for putting the woman I truly loved through what I did. I didn't. Want to die. I wanted to lay there for ever feeling the deep pain in my chest because that's what I deserved.
Well... We ended up getting back together. She often made me feel worthless when we were apart but when we were together, my mid went numb and it was just her with her smile and the way she was. Her personality. Made me smile. Smile with a deep happiness. I especially loved her silly guilt look. And the way she said "no".long and high pitched. Getting higher the longer she said it. Eventually things got better. We kissed. She wanted to have sex now. Very badly but I still wanted to wait (admittedly I had a huge urge to just give in but i held of thankfully.)
I loved her and she loved me. We were not perfect not even close but i loved her and she loved me. And we were figuring out things and creating good memories together. But then she left to Colorado., a thousand miles away.
Picture someone who has close to nothing in true value losing the thing he knows to be the most precious in this world. More special than all of creation. More beautiful than all the full moon sun rises and sets ever in existence combine. Imagine losing someone who meant everything to you. Now imagine her just out of reach. Just the tip of your fingers can touch her but never more to pull her closer. Imagine watching her love for you fade away to nothing after you become just friends. She says she will wait but you doubt it. She will fall in love with a different man. Fuck that man. Kiss him. Hold him. Love him...
Imagine. Watching because you just can't let go. Because you just can't. There's only a person like her once in eternity. Now she's a thousand miles away and i watch as her love for me is fading and will soon enough be in the past.
Now imagine how it must feel. To have tasted what its like to be loved and a accepted for the first time in you life after years of barely functioning. And putting on masks. Every pain is worse every loss bigger and every trial harder. You can never stop loving someone lime the girl i had. The problem is, i better at being a well trained monster than untrained lover. All i can do is hold on and wait for the inevitable end when her love stops and she finds someone knew.