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She made me happy

Davor

07 Aug, 2018 08:19 PM

The story starts back in 2015 when I was going to highschool. There I wasn't the most popular kid or anything like that, but I did started to get more confidence when I started to train in a gym. And so it begins... During school day I saw the most beautiful girl and experienced the love on first site. She also noticed me. We started to chat for 2 weeks and we clicked and I thought to my self I am the luckiest guy ever. But then she told me, she only finded me sexually interested and that she noticed I had grown fellings for her, which she disliked, so she ended it over the phone. Months had passed before she contacted me again saying that her aunt forced her to end the relationship, because she was in trouble with the police. I belived her and gave her a second chance. 3 days passes by and again she started to ignore me and ends it again, because foolish of me I started to express my love toward her, again. Later I found out she had another guy. I was very sad, so I decided to isolate myself again (I was depressed in middleschool) and to focus my energy on gymnastics (still rings). The motivation I drew from was from missing her for thinking I sabotaged the chance to be with her. I started to live in anger.

1 year passes by, I had trained so hard that I recevied multible injuries to my arms beacuse I had tranined recklessly. Then suddenly she calls me and wants to make things right. I gave her 3rd chance, because I was still madly in love with her. This time around she gave me a chance and we spended time together. I never felt happier in my entire life, even my depression was cured. She made me whole... But that only lasted for 1 month. Then she told me that she couldn't love me back for reasons still unknown to me to this day. She even didn't want to explain what the problem was. Then I snapped, mentally...

My heartbrokenness lasted for many months and I woudn't subside. I tried everything, I trained again but it wasn't enough; I drank alcohol, nothing; I tried dating, still didn't help. I felt in such deep depression, that my suicide instincs activated. Death would be answer to my pain...

I woudn't write this article if it wasn't for 6x times Mr. Olympia Dorian Yates. From watching him and his passion toward bodybuilding and the mindset of a serious warrior appealed to me. So I decided to dedicate my life to bodybuilding. I made every necesarry sacrafice in order to become the best at this sport. I cut off all of my relationships with my friends and family; I slept, ate and trained to such an extend, that surely, no definitely nobody could outwork me... And it really wasn't possible, because there was not a single thing more that could be done to this goal. But I have paid a great price for this. My source of willpower and dedication derived from rage and even worse, suicidal thoughts. Every single day of the year I wished to just... die, either from hardcore training or the diet or other factors included in this sport. It was matter of death or glory. During this time, I didn't think about her, not even once But still, the maddnes from my past was still inside of me present. I harnest this power for obssesion to do one thing right in my miserable life. My body was the result of my inner haterad toward life itself.

I was getting ready for a bodybuilding show and I noticed I started to miss her again. This bothered me during my cutting diet, because it distracted me from the daily routine. About 6 weeks before the show I was told that I was unable to compete because of lack of my insufficient funds (all already went to this sport) so I was unable to apply to the show and so all the spots were reserved by the others. I cried... I have lost everything again and more...

My perception of reality has broken down. I am beyond depression and suicidal thoughts. I am now emotionaly dead, all means nothing now. I am a victim of my past. Till this day I am trying to transend my past and become the person I was many years ago. But I cannot move on until I forgive myself and bury past memories, especially of her... Which still to this day bring smile on me.

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