I Just Really Hate Life.06 Apr, 2012 12:53 AM
I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm so pitiful and no one cares. I guess I just need to vent. yes, this is a true story.
I guess it all starts with no one really caring about me. I was the child who was ignored. The the child who was born for failure. Whatever. I'm over that, but what really pisses me off is that no one really started even looking at me until I got "pretty". I started wearing makeup. people actually talked to me. but they didn't care. I knew they didn't. I just wanted someone to talk to me for once. I went years without anybody even glancing at me and it felt good that people wanted to talk to me..
I started dating this boy who really cared about me.. well I don't know.. maybe he was just going through the motions like everyone else. Either way he took a year out of my life and I was hooked on him. I really loved him. I still care about him even now. He was my first love. He dumped me, three times to be exact. I kept taking him back. I couldn't help myself. He treated my like shit most of the time. All he would do was grab on me. I didn't like it, but I put up with it so I wouldn't be alone again. well, now he has a new girlfriend. When he got her he rubbed it in my face that he was completely done me over the phone. He broke my heart, again. He didn't even care that I was breaking down inside. Before any of this happened, I used to cut. I stopped for him. well, I started again when he broke up with me the first time.
I was hooked first time I did it. It felt so good, like I was releasing my built up emotions. when we started dating again, he treated me like shit. like I was only on this planet so he could use me for any little thing he wanted to do. He broke up with me because I didn't talk enough. I cut even more. When we started dating once again, he was sweet and loving. After a month or so he broke up with me again. I wasn't going to cut. I was going to be strong this time, but then he called me and asked me to come over so we could start again, and I believed him. We did so much that day.. and by so much I mean sexual things. Which I'm sure you realized.. anyway, I went home. Happy to have him back, but then he told me to call him.. he said that things wouldn't work out. he was so calm. he didn't care that I cried for hours that night. I cried for a week even. I hated myself. I still hate myself.
I didn't cut though. not until last night that is. It hurts so much. I had blood all over my stomach (I cut there because its harder to see it then on my wrist).
It just hurts so bad. he knew everything about me. how I was neglected as a child. How not even my mom cared about me enough to take care of me. The nights I was alone at home with my sisters. The men my mom would bring home. How she cheated on my father right in front of us. How no one cared about me until I got "pretty". How no one even cared about when I did get "pretty". How he didn't care about me until I got "pretty".
I just really want to die. I'm not going to lie, I plan on cutting again tonight. suicide will come later I suppose. I just need someone to show they really care about me..