Never to be sent letter29 Aug, 2011 09:47 PM
this is just a letter that will sadly never be sent.
This letter has been made to help me get over you? yes it may seem crazy because we are still in the early stages of a friendship but I personally don?t want a friendship from you I want more, although I can handle a friendship. The truth is I want to walk down the street holding your hand, I want to share intimate moments with you and I want to make you feel loved like you never have before. From when I first saw you this odd feeling I have never experienced overwhelmed me, seeing you more and more, eventually made my palms sweaty, left my heart racing and made my thoughts go a million miles an hour. It was then that it hit me that I had fallen for you so hard that I knew it was going to be hard to get back on my feet, as you amazed me. Seeing you made me nervous my hands would shake, my words would stutter and this whole nervous feeling overtook my body, I was a totally different girl. I was in a daze that only came across when it was just you and I talking, I felt like only you and me existed in this world. I would forget about the problems that burdened me, the uncontrollable sadness that overwhelmed me.
And all hatred I felt for not being able to do everything as expected just disappeared, and this warm fuzzy feeling grew stronger until my stomach burned with happiness. Creating butterflies and an unexplainable feeling in my heart, kind of like someone had fed it ecstasy, the effect has been permanent ever since, its an amazing feeling and I now know what drug I?m addicted to. Your long dark brown almost black hair, perfect cheekbones as well as jaw line, your amazing lips which forms the most beautiful smile mankind has witnessed as well as your mesmerizing blue eyes, long elegant legs, and amazing figure had blinded me with love as you are amazingly beautiful as well as smart which makes you ten times more beautiful. Which I may be wrong about your features but that is because I get so nervous around you, I cannot look for too long and if I do I am to busy thinking on how not to act like a fool, even though your looks are incredible its mainly your smile and characteristics that get to me the most as they stand out, because you show your individuality and distinctive behavioral traits. And with these feelings unfortunately I want more and I say unfortunately because I know it will never happen, we in that area do not have the same interests, I accept that and I know that. I honestly do and I don?t expect anything from you because I know its just me that feels like this and I am perfectly fine befriending you and stopping at that, I have come to accept that I don?t want anything else but a friendship.
This isn?t a sympathy love me letter, but merely a ?how I feel, letting it all out? letter and that?s as far as it goes. But it gets harder every time to stop thinking about you. And I know you probably would be thinking ?what the fuck is this? and thoughts with the same meaning because yes this may seem freaky, but I have simply fallen for you and that?s it. I know nothing will never come out of it, I know that its one sided and I don?t expect anything to come out of it. I just want you to be happy and I know you barely know anything about me, only what I want you to see which isn?t much because I am a bit hesitant to show you my full self. That?s besides the point, I want you to be safe and happy which I am clearly out of that picture, that?s understandable as I was never in there to begin. But I can tell you one thing, you have painted my picture of happiness and I thank you for it everyday, although I cant be with you or hold you the way I want to hold you and understand you the way I want to, just seeing you smile makes my heart smile. Seeing you from a distance makes my day turn from good to better and when you stop and talk to me the rest of the day or night and the following day I will be singing of joy. And when I see you angry or sad I feel the same as I don?t want you to be upset and I get more upset as I know I could never better the situation. This feeling you give me makes me feel good, happy and in hope that maybe I could share the feelings I feel with you with somebody else that will love me just as much as I have loved you. And saying that, this is a goodbye letter from me to you although you may not see it as that, it is, as I am saying goodbye to the feelings I feel for you and saying goodbye to the happiness you give me. I am saying goodbye because as well as the joy I get out of thinking and dreaming about you, the pain never fails to creep up afterwards. When reality kicks me in the face forcing me to remember that I will never get the same feelings back, only a standard friendship, this painful feeling knowing I can never hold you, kiss you and love you ever, brings pain never felt before over taking me. And I hit my low. The feeling of uselessness and stupidity overwhelms me as clouds full of rain and darkness fills my head. Making my whole body cold and gloomy, stealing my energy and slowly killing my smile, the feeling of desperation then comes through my body and for that short period of wanting another heartbeat next to me I latch onto anything I can until they become useless and I go back to being cold, dark and hollow inside. And I feel like my heart keeps and mending and breaking repeating its cycles everyday, my heart?s full off cobwebs as it not going to good use and I am not vulnerable to let anyone else steal my heart, as you have stolen it and will never give it back, sadly because you don?t know you have it. That?s the ill-fated part, as I will have to find myself another heart so I can love again.
I know it sounds crazy because we are still observing each others personalities, but I believe it was love at first at sight and your independence just topped off my feelings for you. I know I cant have you and it kills me, I just wish sometimes, just once would you give me a chance to show you that I could deliver happiness to you in all areas, exactly the same as any other. But it pains me to say no I couldn?t, and wouldn?t do that anyway because firstly it will never happen and secondly I wouldn?t want it to happen as I fear my feelings for you may grow stronger and stronger, which in the long run scares me as I feel that if you ever left me, I would be lost. It pains me when I see you happy, as well as making me happy, because I wish I could bring you that happiness and make you laugh so you shoot your beautiful smile to me. It pains me that I could never tell you the feelings I have for you as I fear the rejection, knowing what reaction I would receive from me confessing my love for you, worries me, I will slowly get over this myself, your rejection would just worsen the situation and make it harder for me to get over you as a lover. Which is why I have kept it jarred up inside. And it pains me that I had fallen for someone that is way out of my league; I hate myself for falling for you and your amazing personality as well as beauty. But I guess what?s done is done and I cannot control my feelings as I go wherever they take me with out consent. The problem is that they take me to the wrong people but I guess that?s the beauty in learning, because you need to feel and experience pain before discovering the beauty in love. So this is goodbye as I am slowly opening up my jar of feelings and releasing them in hope that maybe they could help someone else that has a chance at love.
This is goodbye as the sound of your voice will eventually leave my memory and my hands will stop writing your name. So this is my final Goodbye to the pain, goodbye to your name, from what you have read and what I have said, this is a goodbye just in my head. My heart has saved you a special place, even though I know it?s a waste of space, my feelings for you could never erase. But I have learnt to move on, which doesn?t mean I?m gone, I?m simply mending my heart, which has been torn. But don?t forget that for me you mean a lot, that I would gladly be 9 feet under ready to rot, it would been in the newspapers ?girl has been shot.?? They say love makes you do crazy things, if that?s the case then I hope I fly up to heaven with wings, guiding you with all my love, and when your feeling down I?ll send you a white dove, just to let you know I am watching over you from above. So this is my goodbye, and everything above is by far no lie. I hope you are always filled with joy and delight, and someone protects you in shining Armor like a knight. Goodbye my love, goodbye my friend, this is a letter that I wish to never send.