Numbing the pain only lasts so long...01 Oct, 2010 04:05 AM
I had the perfect child hood. I was born out of love. I wasnt a mistake, I wasn't a lack of birth control or a broken condom. My mum couldn't get pregnant. She wanted a child so she took IVF, and it didn't work the first time. My dad wanted a child more than my mum.
I was born knowing my parents loved me.
That I really was wanted.
I grew up with my sisters in the most beautiful house, I was never spoiled and they raised me well.
I had a good childhood, but I hurt myself a lot. I was clumsy and my parents started shouting at me and my dad would hit my leg when I did something wrong.
I'm not sure when, but they slowly started losing all faith in me. I became nothing but a burden in their eyes.
So, the real story starts just after my 9th birthday. My dad told me he wanted to show my something and asked if I would fake sick while mum went shopping that day.
I have forever regretted this day.
I agreed, thinking it was going to be something amazing.
Oh how wrong I was.
Me and him hid behind the wall and watched mum leave out the window, as my other sisters were at school it was just me and him. I was so naive.
That was the day my father raped me.
Little did I know he'd continue it for the next 5 years.
The pain became too much for me to handle. I started cutting when I was 12 years old.
Soon after he saw my cuts. He held a knife to my throat the day I tried to fight him.
He's cut me, bitten me, licked, sucked, hurt me. He's made me do so many things to him. He used so many techniques. He whispers in my ear, everything that's wrong with me, every time I do something that makes him feel good he 'rewards' me with a hickey.
I would take panadol for no reason just to feel something.
Cutting only ever numbed the pain for awhile. The numbness never lasted long enough to satisfy me. So I just kept cutting more and more. It became my own private addiction. I always managed to hide my scars. But lucky for me they have all faded.
I'd cut deeper and deeper to try get a scar. I wanted to have something to remind me that it was real.
I would cry myself to sleep every single to the point where I stopped getting enough sleep. I was just falling downhill so fast. I had no one for such a long time, so when I found you I didn't believe it could be real.
We met online. You said you loved me like your little sister. And you reminded me every single day. Having someone there so suddenly shook me off balance...
And I fell into you.
You're girlfriend is so amazing, and I love her.
I became so attached to you, I leaned on you when I shouldn't have. I'd been on a tight rope me whole life with nothing underneath to catch me when I fell. No, every time I fall, you're there...
I knew it was bad for me to love someone so much.
But I put you through hell when I told you about my dad, every time I sat and cried as I typed out what he'd done, you always felt to helpless. I always hated it.
I stared pushing you away, but ever so slowly that you hardly noticed.
I've tried committing suicide 3 times.
He still rapes me every single time it rains. So tonight shall be fun. Its pouring with rain.
I want to know how my story ends. So until I get that finally ending: my story is incomplete and full of flaws. But that story is my life, full of flaws. Its been torn and shredded and put back together.
This story is mine, and no matter how much I cry, not mater how deep I cut, I cant change anything...
Its my life, and its painfully, and I dont want to be alive anymore. I want to end my story here and now...