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A Bad Year

Cheri Matsue

19 Mar, 2018 04:19 AM

This all took place in March 2017-March 2018 while I was still 13 until I was almost 15.

I was getting kind of worried. My Dad hadn't slept well in weeks and he kept saying he wasn't feeling good. The doctors said it would pass, but it never did. We kept hoping and hoping that he would get better. Every night, I would sit in my room and cry because through all the pain, my dad still always smiled and was strong for my sister and I. But everything had to go downhill.
It was the middle of March. We were preparing to enjoy the first day of spring break when all of the sudden, we all get called to the living room. This never happened unless something was wrong so I was really scared. I sat on the armrest of the chair my Dad was sitting in and leaned on his shoulder. He smiled at me but I only saw sadness. He cleared his throat and spoke up.
"So we got back the results from the doctor," he started, "It turns out... I have kidney cancer."

It was so hard for my family to get over this. That whole week of spring break, I stayed at my best friends house. I didn't want to go home and face the fact that everything was going to change. I was scared and I had no clue what to do. I still texted my dad constantly but didn't want to go home. At the house I felt overwhelmed. So I avoided going back.

After spring break is almost over, I go back home. Only to find out that my dad had named his tumor. It was named Squiddly Diddly. Now I hated to even think about the tumor. Then he started talking about getting a tattoo of Squiddly Diddly the cartoon character over where his kidney was, I couldn't help it. I started cracking up. Here was my father who had ignored his pain to relieve his daughter's anxiety and stress. But then, of course, it couldn't stay like this for long.

By the beginning of 2018, there was more than one tumor. Of course they all had names. Squiddly had gotten removed so it was no longer a problem. But there was Onion in his liver and Zak and Wheezie in his lungs. He was miserable but still went out of his way to make sure everyone else was fine. He was getting worse. He could no longer eat any actual food and could only drink protein shakes or water. He coughed constantly and was always in pain. He laid in a chair in the living room, making a new blanket, reading, playing on his phone, staring off into space. He would sit there without moving unless he was ok.

Now somewhere around late august, he had to go into the hospital. He apparently had pneumonia and had to stay at the hospital so they could treat him. I found out too late that there were tumors in his brain. I was watching the person I always relied on for everything, become so miserable and start losing the fight. I was getting miserable. Now I should probably explain how he got into the hospital since he was home alone at the time.

I was scared. I had submitted one of the stories I had written to my teacher for a grade. The whole class was able to see it and it scared me. I only ever shared that stuff with my dad. I was freaking out in the middle of Physics so I decided to text my dad. I texted him and he sent me this jumbled up reply.
"You wkll akways be you're buggedt vritic."

Now I had figured out that he had meant to say that I would always be my biggest critic and he was right, but I was even more scared now. This was a man who barely ever made a spelling error. I was in the middle of class and having a panic attack. I needed to tell someone fast. I took a screenshot and sent it to my mom, my stepmom and my grandma saying I was worried for him. And it was good that I had texted him. The doctors said that the lack of oxygen was messing with his head. But then we found out later in the week that it was the tumors in his head growing bigger. On September 1st he was allowed to come home. I got to see him and hug him. We were all happy. The universe hates our family though so we weren't happy for long.

Next morning, a little past 5:30, I had a doughnut shoved in my face by my grandma. I was a little confused but I just ate it and went back to sleep. Around 7, my mom and step mom started waking us all up and herding us into the living room. I was confused about why I didn't see dad. But then we were told he had died a little after 5 that morning. I had not cried around my family once that year but I finally couldn't keep the tears from falling. Then my step brother screamed. He was only 4 and had already lost 2 fathers. I never want to hear that scream again. There was so much pain and understanding, sadness and relief in him. Pain because he had lost his father but understanding that his father didn't have a choice. Sadness because he was gone but relief because he didn't have to suffer any longer.
That following week was miserable. And so was the following month. Then exactly 3 months later, on December 2, his favorite dog died. She was such a sweetheart and once again, I cried in front of my family.

Now we get to March 2, 2018. Its my dads birthday which made me laugh and cry at the same time. I had heard him talking about how he was going to be 42. Now for anyone who has heard of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, they would know 42 is the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything. He was going to crack some stupid joke about how he was now the answer to the Ultimate Question.

And that would have been so funny no matter how annoying it got. But that also made me sad. Because I wasn't going to get to hear his stupid jokes constantly or get ice cubes thrown at me when I won't wake up. I wasn't going to see him laughing at me when I run into the walls that haven't changed places since we moved here or just sit with him in his chair and talk. I wasn't going to be able to see my dad every day anymore.

That is the end of my sad story for now, but it is basically a guarantee that something bad/sad will happen in the near future.

Tags: Loss, Grief, Death, Cancer, Pain
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felicity says:
27 Mar, 2018 12:58 PM

i feel so sorry for you my dog had to get put down because she had a tumor. in her mouth and in her brain i was so sad and her name was princess and i miss her very much.

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Zilian Lopez says:
05 Apr, 2018 03:48 PM

Hello Cheri,

I red this while I was listening to Jealous from Labrinth. Best believe the tears couldn't stop flowing from the bottom of my soul to the top of my eyes. Keep on holding your dad to your heart as he would be happy to read this. I last my dad about 3 months ago to a person who walked away with his life to a sign knife. This made me realize all the road trips and events we planned together. Now, I do these trips alone and every part of it I remember him.

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Osama kaber says:
11 Apr, 2018 05:57 AM

Is so sad story I have never seen

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simmons_k says:
30 Apr, 2018 07:10 PM

OMG... That must of been very painful! i'm so sorry... i worry about my grandpa because he had surgery for his heart...

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charlie says:
31 May, 2018 03:15 AM

I am so sorry it was a good story xxx

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charlie says:
31 May, 2018 03:16 AM

i cryed

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Ruth MARTIN says:
05 Jul, 2018 09:53 AM

I also lost my dad when I was barely 9.
It has been a big void all of my life,
But other wonderful people have come into my life
And, at 71, my dad is still here, in my heart. And
My heart is full.

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