Fake Smile and a Heartbeat20 Jul, 2016 11:26 AM
So, it's currently 1.13PM and I'm on my bed, typing this story because I have no one to talk to. I'm Gwen, people call me that and I think that's a beautiful name. I have issues with my family for I know that I am a failure in front of their eyes. Earlier I had a misunderstanding with my dad, just because he saw me and judged that I'm not being productive at the moment but he's wrong, I'm always productive but they just wont see it. My mom, my mom who always scold me for being a stupid daughter which is (I think) true. I'm stupid for being a daughter who actually have a lot of things going on inside her head. I haven't told them I'm bisexual because I wouldn't know if they would appreciate my own sexuality. I'm just seriously too depressed, I have no one to talk to. I just feel like being alone and listening to some sad music would help me with this but it just won't. My self-harming has been a habit which make my friends mad for being a fool of cutting my own precious skin. I just need hope. I just wanted something like Love exactly. I need their understanding. I need their appreciation. I need their presence as parents. Especially now that my siblings are trying to teaming up with me since I am the youngest among them. I just wanted them to understand me. I want them to accept me. I want them to see what I want them to see in me. I am doing everything to make them happy but I am not happy. I am not happy for myself. For doing such things I am not happy with.
Sometimes, I just want them to see that my smile isn't something to believe. Because it was never real in the first place.
I want them to see myself biting my lower lip as I prevent myself from crying. As I smile at them with unreal feelings. I want them to see my face, my lonely feeling behind the mask i'm wearing right now. I want them to know how hard it is to live like you are not belong in this world.
I want them to make me realize that death isn't the answer for everything I have been dealing with in my own life.
i just want them to stop making me kill myself one day...