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I Wanted You

lonely1227

19 May, 2018 06:03 AM

I was abused physically and sexually when I was younger. I felt no love from either of my parents due to this and I decided to isolate myself. I had no true friends at school I would feel comfortable talking to about these things, so I took my sadness to the online community. I stumbled and fell trying to find the right site to express myself, and ended up on xat. It was a random room, filled with words and names flying by.

A girl with the screen name Puppy messaged me, and she asked what my name was. I am a guy, and I have always identified as one. In that moment, I decided to reply that my name was Kate. Girls were more popular, more likable, able to make friends. That's how I always saw it, anyways.

Puppy and I became close quickly, and she introduced me to a new room for a video game we both played. It was quieter, less activity, but there was still excitement throughout. I had never actually played this video game with the online feature, but here I was, socializing as Kate. People greeted me with kind words, and I was happy.

I eventually talked to a guy with the screen name Mx. He was quiet and didn't type a lot in the main chat. He and I were similar in that way, and that's why he decided to message me. We used the same character and he wanted to train me and make me stronger. I agreed, under the persona of Kate, and we began to train everyday online together. This was done for about 2 months, and he decided to ask for my number so we could talk. I was scared, and I knew that it was hopeless to try and lie to him. My brain knew that what I was doing was wrong, deceitful, but I gave him my parent's landline.

Another thing to note is that I was 12 during this time. He never gave his age, but he did show me a picture of "him". I have no idea if it really was a true image of him or a stock image. When the phone rang I didn't want to answer, but I did. He believed I was a teenage girl named Kate, and we talked from dusk until dawn. We kept calling every night, and I laughed with him and made memories.

We had random conversations about food, our dreams, our passions and everything in between. We began dating shortly after our third phone call. This lasted for about 4 or 5 months. I learned much more about Mx during these months: He lived in North Carolina, his name was Floyd, his birthday is May 14th, his mom had an unspecified illness and he had never had eggplant Parmesan. I gave some true facts about myself, but I also lied about some of my life. I admitted I had been abused before, that I liked to sing, I loved video games and my mother didn't have an illness. I lied about being 16, being a female, living in Canada previously and my real name.

I had felt wanted during these months, and I felt warmth in my body. Love had come into my life, and it had taken me completely. Sadly, my parents found out about what was happening between us, and they believed he was a grown man. They cut me off from electronics completely, and I was devastated. I was experiencing love, overjoy, for the first time in a long while.

It got taken from me, and I blame myself. I lied about my identity, and I hurt Floyd in the process. I decided that I was to shut out everyone, and I began isolation again. When it came around to his birthday, I had gotten my electronics back.

I knew that it was wrong to call him, but I did it anyway. I wanted him to know I still cared. When he answered, he was asking what had happened, and if I was okay. I told him happy birthday, and my parents were being strict with me and that's why I left. He wanted to talk to me, and I felt his worry and angst in his words. I decided to make an excuse and end the phone call. He asked if I would call again, and I didn't answer and hung up.

After this, I went through suicide attempts, self harm and developed bulimia. I went in and out of behavioral hospitals, and it has been difficult to get away from all of this issues. I still push people away because I don't want to hurt them by leaving them in the end. I avoid friendships to protect myself as well, and I suffer from it. I choose to be alone, but I have enough interaction to make myself happy.

In 2016, I reached out to Floyd on social media, and he answered me with questions. Where have you been? Is everything okay? I didn't expect him to remember me at all. I told him about my suicide attempts and everything after, and he was silent. I told him that I wasn't actually who I said I was, and he was confused. Once again, I chose to lie and say I was actually 13 when we met, and that I was now 16. I still remained as Kate, and I asked if he would forgive me. He said he would if I stopped cutting, and I promised him.

I haven't spoken to him since, and I think that's for the better. I have caused my own issues, and I have lied to myself by saying that he abandoned me. I was the one who left, who hurt him and caused him worry. I have tricked myself into making myself a victim, and I am trying to break free from this.

I struggle with cutting and suicide, but it does not revolve around Floyd any longer. I have gained many branches of sorrow from that experience, and they have made my life difficult. Today, I still avoid people. I am still on medication, and I have therapy as well. Someday I hope that I am able to fully be honest with myself and with others. For now, I'll work on making things better in my life. Thank you.

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