Fake Smile and a Heartbeat
Gwen20 Jul, 2016 11:26 AM
So, it's currently 1.13PM and I'm on my bed, typing this story because I have no one to talk to. I'm Gwen, people call me that and I think that's a beautiful name. I have issues with my family for I know that I am a failure in front of their eyes. Earlier I had a misunderstanding with my dad, just because he saw me and judged that I'm not being productive at the moment but he's wrong, I'm always productive but they just wont see it. My mom, my mom who always scold me for being a stupid daughter which is (I think) true. I'm stupid for being a daughter who actually have a lot of things going on inside her head. I haven't told them I'm bisexual because I wouldn't know if they would appreciate my own sexuality. I'm just seriously too depressed, I have no one to talk to. I just feel like being alone and listening to some sad music would help me with this but it just won't. My self-harming has been a habit which make my friends mad for being a fool of cutting my own precious skin. I just need hope. I just wanted something like Love exactly. I need their understanding. I need their appreciation. I need their presence as parents. Especially now that my siblings are trying to teaming up with me since I am the youngest among them. I just wanted them to understand me. I want them to accept me. I want them to see what I want them to see in me. I am doing everything to make them happy but I am not happy. I am not happy for myself. For doing such things I am not happy with.
Sometimes, I just want them to see that my smile isn't something to believe. Because it was never real in the first place.
I want them to see myself biting my lower lip as I prevent myself from crying. As I smile at them with unreal feelings. I want them to see my face, my lonely feeling behind the mask i'm wearing right now. I want them to know how hard it is to live like you are not belong in this world.
I want them to make me realize that death isn't the answer for everything I have been dealing with in my own life.
i just want them to stop making me kill myself one day...
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CommentsPost a Comment
28 Aug, 2016 02:16 PM
Your sound like an amazing girl. It's not right that your family makes you feel like that, and your friends should help you not shame you. Don't do anything wreakless. I'm not sure how old you are, but you be able to get away from it all at some point. Most school have someone you can talk to, and there are sites to talk to strangers, some people are really nice, and it is sometimes just fun to talk to someone that will listen.
30 Aug, 2016 11:20 AM
Dear friend Gwen,it saddens me much to read about the kind of loneliness and almost depression like feeling that you are currently undergoing,having read your story,I just wondered if you would be interested in a friendship with me,If you are feeling so lonely and want to express your feeling and talk to someone,You can message me,And I will be happy to speak to you and help you out in whatever possible ways I can! You can just leave a message to my Email address if you like to.
04 Sep, 2016 06:16 PM
You know darkness isn't always sad it's a beauty of its own, your story to me makes me realize that you have to be one of the most valuable people in the world a person who has been we're you are understand you, I'm a person that deals with it everyday and you know seeing this makes me realize that you shouldn't destroy Urself to me it sounds that your a flowe with a lot of capable things to do, you should stop harming yourself and make a stand to Urself and believe, you know we are open to the greatest change when we are at our lowest.
To me it sounds that you want to escape a living hell inside and outside your head and u can do it by making a first step and that is by accepting yourself and u know what I got to thank you ur story lights my day and gives me more hope to keep living even though I'm beyond help I want to help I hope I help you a little
21 Oct, 2016 06:20 AM
Dear Gwen truly I am pleased to find out that one of the most uncommon daughters and special lady is out there longing for her family true love. Do not forget your earthly family has limited understanding but your heavenly family has it all. please don't do anything silly I beg of you. I myself was carrying my friends in many ways financially but since they got to learn this kind of internet scam business DAT I rejected to do, a kind of separation came between me and them. Not because of the juice or drink I had always invited them for but because of our chats and happy moments. Thank God they are also very rich now but I just wish we can still be hanging out as friends. please do take care of your deeper thoughts and remain in control and in charge. You have another family member here
15 Feb, 2017 07:06 PM
I understand how you feel. I feel the same exact thing. You are not alone, I have thought that my whole life, but you are not alone. People love you even if they don't show it. They are either afraid to show it or the are jealous of your excellence.
14 Jun, 2018 10:00 AM
Dear you it do not nake any difference in my life too. Its absolutely the same with me i too want to heal