I broke the promise09 Nov, 2015 03:53 PM
Before the story begins, forgive any grammatical errors and too much (or lack of) detail or woeful structure. I find that writing out stories helps alleviate the pain a bit.
Skip to the last two paragraphs if you want the important parts; the first section just gives some background
I had just finished High School and started Uni this year. Wasn't my first preference, but it was still a good Uni to be enrolled in. Here was where I met an interesting young woman, who I had initially disliked and tolerated solely due to her stunning apparent intellect. By the start of Uni I still had a girlfriend, and had been with her for just over four years by then, which was another reason why I found no reason to like this young woman at all.
Halfway through the first semester, my girlfriend and I broke up. That tore me apart, kept me in a state of depression for a week, and memories of her still linger to this day. However by this time I had grown close to a group of three people - one of which happened to be that young woman. We studied together for our exams, and I got to know her more; and her, me.
We discovered we are like polar opposites of each other; She loves the environment and never moves to harm insects and animals, I swat all the flies near me and sometimes use a tree as a boxing bag. She is completely anti-social and more often than not desires to be alone, I am a social bird who enjoys people's company. Her dark side enjoys hurting people close to her, my dark side enjoys being hurt by others. She's Dutch and generally prefers European men, I'm Asian and I generally prefer Asian women - there has not been one European woman that I've ever fallen for before.
By the start of second semester we came closer and closer. With half the guys in our course after her affections anyway, I never thought that she would be interested in me in a romantic way. But it became clear that she slowly became someone I grew to like in that romantic manner and it reflected in my actions with her - allowing her to sit on my lap, lie on me and even sharing hugs; which were actions she told me she hated. I never told her how I felt, as I felt unready to do so. But I could see something bothering her and I asked her "Tell me what's on your mind?", wanting her to get whatever was bothering her, out into the air. The next day, we met up early in the morning before class to talk about that, and she confessed to me that she had romantic feelings for me.
I was in complete shock, awe, pride and happiness. I was shocked and proud, that of all the guys that she knew were after her, she liked me. I had never expected that to come, in fact I expected her to say "I know you like me, but I just don't feel the same way." I was lost for words, so happy that she felt the same way I did. Yet she also apologised for me liking her, somehow knowing that it would cause problems in the future. But that never ticked in my head; on that day, the feelings were out, and I could hold her in my arms without the fear that I was being invasive or that I was making her uncomfortable.
Events caused tensions to rise within our group of four, the main problem being all the guys (me, and the other two) liked her. I couldn't tell them that she liked me as it would only increase the tension, and she wouldn't tell them because she knows it would hurt them a lot should they hear that. In addition on my end, I had met my ex-girlfriend again, and my beloved Samoyed dog passed away, which really increased the stress I had to deal with. The young Dutch, however, stayed by my side for each day; even staying out until 12am after classes just to cuddle under a tree with me for a few hours. They were bliss days, and they got to a point where I could give her a piggyback around the park we frequented. Everything in the world was forgotten when it was just the two of us together, lying together happy. In the moment, we were always happy.
However, tensions rose as the other two saw me as a manipulator, using her to forward my own desires, which was to be with her. I wanted to explain that she wanted it too, but then I wasn't sure if it was because it always starts with the two of us ditching the other two, especially when I reinforce the idea that we should be a group of four rather than two groups of two. We weren't dating - she had her problems which left her unready for a relationship and I wasn't ready for one either - we simply did a lot of things as best friends which could insinuate that we were dating. But having to cop all the blame, it began to weigh on me, and our interactions started to feel reluctant, as if the consciousness of the other two was building a barrier between what she and I wanted to share.
Exam time came, and shortly before then we had both realised that we had a common problem. She and I bother suffer from self-malnourishment; we never take care of ourselves. So we made a promise - I wouldn't hurt myself so long as she doesn't hurt herself, and I emphasised that I never break promises. However, the pride I held for my natural intellect was dealt a crushing blow when I asked for her assistance in preparation for an exam, in which I reacted poorly to. After she had left me to go to, she knew I hit a low point again and reminded me of the promise we made. I thought of it, yet couldn't sleep and decided that I had to do something. I went out for a run, and ran so hard that I cramped my legs up before I could make it home; thus was forced to rest before arriving home. These cramps actually stopped me from sleeping, so I did the worst thing I could have done; dwell on the fact that I required her academic assistance - which only hurt me and my pride.
The next day I told her what I did - not wanting to withhold any secrets between us - and her face looked like as if someone just hit her with a hammer, and I realised what I did. I broke the promise. It pierced my heart, because I could see that what emotion she once held for me vanished from sight. I knew, and she verified, that it was a result of bitterness from not being able to trust me to keep the promise that she acted the way she did. We talked that night after we got home, and much was revealed to me, how much she cared for me was the most important of it all. And in breaking the promise, I had lost her. she says she lives in hope of one day gaining it back, but the guilt of failing her smoulders that hope on my end. I once held her heart, and now she is free of me. My heart remains in her hands, albeit now broken, but hers is free. I didn't know what to do, what to say - there's nothing but time that could resolve this. I pray, to this day, that not all will be lost between us. I still like her..