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05 Dec, 2014 10:51 PM

5th December 2014

Today my world fell apart.

Everything that had happened over the past few months had collapsed in a blink of an eye. My world had crumbled right in front of me. I lost a battle which I never agreed to fight in the first place; I broke down; fell into pieces. My life was a lie, a desperate search for support, all of which I got none. I carried out a life filled with empty promises, broken dreams and hopeless lies. I resorted to wearing a crumbling mask, to protect my fragile core - to hide my insecurities and imperfections. I concealed my pain for so long - wiping my tears quickly enough for them to go unnoticed. The truth was that I was afraid to be a burden for others; I feared to be a person who done nothing but moan and complain - I resorted to dwelling in shadows to avoid causing such an illusion.

Tears left a trail upon my delicate skin as I cried that night. Each teardrop engraved yet another scar - the truth had crushed my insides, leaving me breathless and alone. No one was able to help me. The saddest part, was that I had to put up with another day, shielding my suffering inside. I came home devastated. And yet I could openly admit that I had brought this upon myself. It was still my fault - all of it.

Look at me and my petty life; I have nothing left give. An ignorant soul, pathetic in its existence - a cold hearted monster dwelling inside others misfortunes. I caused grief to others just so that I could take away my own pain. An emotionless nightmare, full of my biggest fears... I gave up.
It feels as if the life which once brought me joy was now forcing me into a darkening corner, a dead end. I lingered, like a shadow - I forced myself to feel alive, yet the light was getting dimmer with every passing day.

At times I was certain that despair would seep through my sleeves as my disconsolate heart reverted to depression. My heart was left yearning for death; I lost my only cure. If you looked closely, you would have seen a battle inside of me - yet you chose to see only half of my story. You left me breaking.
The smile upon my face was only a defense, to block out the enemy's hate. Could you not see that the light in my eyes was gone? My desire to live had faded as my struggle came to an end. I drowned in surrow, as despair abandoned me.

If you peel away the many layers, breaking through the exterior, you'll see who I really am. You'll see a heart silently screaming for help; a purpose left unnoticed. As you dust away the impurities, you'll finally discover the reason for my scars; the bleeding and the agony. Behind the blade lies a reason - a feeble attempt to break through the outer layer to free the voice inside. To be heard; because we all fight our own battles and sometimes we need support and encouragement to pick up the sword and continue to fight our way through the difficulties. If you won't support me then who will? Are you letting me turn lifeless - dead and hollow inside. So cold...

The story is quite simple, yet the pain is endless - it all started in the morning, I saw his friend. At first we made slight eye contact as I continued to walk past, but without hesitation he called me over. At first I wondered, confused as to why he had done so, but then I remembered the favour I had asked him the day before. Carefully, with tension rising, I approached him. I began to feel nervous as I pictured the answer, yet I forced the thought away. He reached out his hand as I was nearing him, gave an apologetic look and uttered a short "sorry". I was speechless, my smile began to fade as I lunged forward to hear the enfolding story.

He paused to make sure I was listening but of course a crowd (consisting of about 3-4) had gathered - I signaled to him that I wasn't ready, as I commenced to break up the crowd and dismiss everyone into their separate ways. He waited patiently as the crowd slowly began to regather. I repeated actions - finally I was able to get one or two out of the way; yet the others lingered right behind me - I left them be.
When he was sure that I had focused on nothing but his words he began explaining. I caught the first few words that escaped his throat but without doubt I regretted doing so. Although the story only lasted for a minute or two, I began to stop paying attention about 10 seconds into it; I began day dreaming. And in an instant I felt something break inside as the words began echoing in my head - as the questions rolled in. Was I not good enough? - They say that a human being has a strong desire to live, no matter what their state of mind is - well at that point I refused such desire.

For a moment I blocked the world out completely, but was brought back down by the repeated words 'I'm sorry'. I crashed down to earth, I became aware of my surroundings once again. He smiled again, very apologetically as I forced to keep tears in. I kept a straight face, constantly forcing a smile. "It's ok" I replied, as I smiled and tried to change the subject. I regained full awareness as I slowly became speechless and dead inside.
For a minute or two I was able to forget the event, but as I began going through the day, it all sank in. It hit me - my hope was gone. My yearning for death would incise my heart. I fell into pieces.
It felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest, squeezed full of pain and left trampled like a rose on the ground, unfixed. A glass heart, shattered purposefully. The fragments spilling across the floor as I attempted to gather and repair the damage that he has caused.

I was rejected; refused the love that I lacked...
And he got his friend to tell me...

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solage says:
20 Dec, 2014 08:20 AM

I am sorry who ever it day he'll have to pay for what he has done. But dont give up it'll get better hopefully, hope is better than giving up.

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Jacob R says:
23 Dec, 2014 09:05 AM

Im sorry for what has happened to you, I truly am. I would like you to know that your not alone in this big mean and nasty place called life. I hope one day you find someone who makes you happier than they ever could, and I hope they love you forever and you love them. But don't be like me and shut every door to love that opens to you out of fear of being rejected or being a burden as I did. I met this women one day at College, she told me she was visiting for the day but still lived nearby. We talked and laughed and flirted all day, I skipped all my other classes saying "how weird it was that we had all the same classes for that day!" but when the day was almost over, and she was about to leave for her car, I had my opportunity to tell her that I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world and that I wanted to see her again sometime soon and I didn't! I wussed out and didn't get her number. Now I know that, that seems insignificant compared to your experience but my cowardness hurts me like hell today, I cant get her out of my mind, I cant get her out of my heart, I cant do anything but sit here like the cowardly sack of shit I am! I am being perscribed with severe depression now, and social anxiety, I now have nightmares about her, I wake up screaming in a cold sweat. My life is a living hell and its all because I was too much of a coward to say how I really felt. So learn from my mistake, even if you are rejected, you will get over them soon because its there loss, I am 100% positive that you are an amazing and attractive person and so it is their loss really if they reject you, but the important thing is you put yourself out there and you took a risk and you wont have any regrets! So go live your life to the fullest, dont hold back, dont be a coward, if you see a cute boy/girl go over to them and talk to them and if it doesn't work out thats their loss! go live life to the fullest! And people will always be there to stick a finger in your face and tell ya your no good but ya know what!? bite the damn finger off! what the hell do they know!? they put down others because they have no self confidence and no self esteem so they take it from other people by selling them bullshit that isn't the slightest bit true! so dont buy it!! let it roll right off your shoulder! because they dont know what they are talking about! Your amazing! your worth so much more than you can imagine! and you can accomplish anything in this world if you want to! so go and do it! change the world! the only people who are crazy enough to believe that they can change the world are the ones who do!

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Silence says:
25 Dec, 2014 11:45 AM

Thank you, your comment has really made me smile - You kind of inspired me to let go of my fears; because who knows, maybe it's my fears that keep depression gripping on tightly. Maybe he does like me, but is afraid to fall for me? Whatever it may be, I am sure that the minute I see him, I'll tell him straight - I'm letting go of my fears.

I hope that someday, you may you find her again - or someone better! Good luck and thank you so much <3

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