Sad Eyes Simon Was His Name.27 Nov, 2014 08:37 AM
(ITS NOT COMPLETE BUT PLEASE GIVE IT A READ ANYWAYS.)
Have you ever sit in your room, or even in class daydreaming about a passionate, fiery and somewhat humorous love?
Have you ever acquired this love?
Love to me was never more than a word, a word that I had thought I had felt multiple times but was lying to myself each one of those times. To tell you the truth, all those years I thought I knew what it was; it was me looking at a guy and feeling warm and fuzzy inside; queue the butterflies and slow-mo movement, that was love for me, every time he’d smile at me I’d think ‘Oh wow he’s so perfect.’
To be honest all of the 39 crushes I had, had in my life up till now had been my first loves for me.
Never had I dated or even kissed a guy. It wasn’t due to the fact that I was lacking in areas; I’d just never needed that kind of thing I was happy with my one-sided escapades of love. It never occurred to me that it was possible to have a love…to have a love…haha that phrase sounds so weird, I have a love its pretty unbelievable. You don’t even know how outrageous the prospect of love is for me, it’s like a getting a call from your school saying that you aren’t going to graduate this year and then getting called back and them telling you that it was a mix up and as a matter of fact you’d just received a scholarship offer from Harvard. That’s what my love is like. It sends me running for my life, but then while I’m running I start to levitate and before I know it I’m flying, I’m unstoppable.
I want to tell you what love is, but I can’t because somewhere along the way I realized that its different for everybody . . . sometimes he stays and stays with you forever more but sometimes he leaves yet stays in your heart an unforgettable, everlasting memory.
My love . . . he’s not dead or far away. He’s right here, standing in front of me but his presence it seems so distant, I feel like my hearts exploding into a million tiny cliched shards of blood stained glass, and each shard cuts through me, leaving me paralyzed as I continue to stare at his black trench coated back.
Relationships start and end, love blossoms and dies but what do you do if your relationship never existed, what is one to do if that love was left seedless and never blossomed; that is, from another’s perspective.
He doesn’t remember me . . . you can’t tell but I’m tasting brine right now and my eyes sting as I write this. How I am I supposed to mourn something that’s still alive, how am I supposed to stop loving someone just because they don’t remember me, am I to give up that easy. Just because he needs his space right now? Is my heartache not justified? Are my tears not worth his frustration? Shouldn’t he at least try to remember?
Do you expect me to believe that one blow to someone’s head can make them forget a whole life?! Was it a destined hit to his head, did fate do this? How come he only forgot the years that included me?
These questions had now become frequent thoughts in my head.
He’d always been cold, and indifferent towards others, I now included. He’d even admitted it to me before the crash. I remember his words clear as day.
“I know I’m cold, and harsh most of the time; it really is hard for me to acknowledge others’ feelings but that’s just the way I am, and Kate there might be times when I’m indifferent to your feelings as well…” he stopped, maybe because the emotions that went into his next sentence were supposedly all he had.
He held my stare for a while longer, I thought that if I continued to stare into those orbs of blackness I’d almost definitely get lost. His stare scared me, I wanted to run away at moments like this but then he uttered the next sentence, “When such a time comes, when you’re at the brink of giving up on me, when you think you can’t do this anymore and the world tells you the same, please disregard them. My significance to you may not be as great as yours is to me, you’re my crust, mantle and core right now, so please just don’t stop . . . If you leave, I’ll be that man again, I don’t want to be him. I don’t like him.”
It was the second time I’d seen him crying, it was a single tear, even his tears were coordinated falling in a straight line down his face. The man I loved crying in front of me as he begged me not to leave didn’t break me and he knew it too.
I remember pulling my sweater’s sleeves down and wiping away his tears with the sleeves pulled over my hands, he didn’t protest and continued to stare because I’d accepted his apology but hadn’t said that I would stay and I wouldn’t. He was soon about to find out why.
It took me a while to find my voice but I did, after all this was the last time I’d ever speak to him as the woman who held his heart, I didn’t know that then, “I-I- I. . .We’re –s-s . . .”
I finally cleared my throat and my next words were perhaps the most brilliantly crafted i had ever said to this man yet.
“The day I met you, you told me why you hate people, how being left alone is a blessing in itself and that day I’d thought about your words long and hard and they made sense to me. You were supposed to be just some punk who had said something smart, fitting the situation at the time but then you became an object of my interest, I looked at you every day, observed you. I was there when you wanted to call out people’s stupidity but didn’t out of human etiquette, I was even there when you experienced attraction to another human for the first time.” A dry laugh escaped my lips, “I became infatuated with your presence, you started to become an obsession, an obsession who without seeing my day could not star;t until one day... there was one day in particular when I looked at you and the thought crossed my mind, is it possible to die of loneliness and my heart whispered yes.”
I didn’t need to say anything more but I did anyway because he needed to hear it, “I’m so scared of you sometimes Simon I feel like screaming for help hoping that someone will hear me . . . and sometimes i do scream inside b-but then sometimes you say and do things that make me feel so very loved. Like this.” And then i hugged him, my head rested on his chest, his heartbeat fastened and i smiled, “Like how your heart only races for me, like how when i hate my mother you make me hate her less, like how i’m the only one who knows the great Simon’s secrets.”
I hugged him even tighter this time. I felt like it wasn’t real, just the calm before the horrendous ever present oncoming storm that never failed to show up, in our case at least.
He’d always say something that made my heart melt but after a while something would happen that would scrape at my melted heart and set naked fire upon it, a blazing fire burning until there was nothing left.