Nose Candy's Sweetest Demise02 Jun, 2013 01:17 PM
At the age of 12, I remember when it all started. I believe it was some time in September when a long time friend of my sister, payed a visit. I didn't really mind him coming over, for I didn't pay much attention to him and my sister's actions. As the night progressed, I noticed they took frequent trips to the bathroom and repetitively kept rubbing their noses. I approached my sister's friend, Carlos, and asked about the situation. He just laughed, and I asked if they were doing cocaine. He replied; "Yeah, do you wanna try some?"
At first, I was hesitant. Growing up, I was taught that drugs were bad, so I didn't want any part in it. Later, my curiosity got the best of me and I agreed to do a line. He set it up in the bathroom, and handed me a dollar bill as he walked out. I hurriedly walked into the bathroom and saw a small pile of white powder and two lines. 'This is too good to be true', I thought. So I tasted a small portion of the powder. At the time, I had no clue What cocaine tasted like, but it was definitely unlike anything I've ever tasted before. I gagged and coughed at the strong, chemical-like taste of the putrid powder. I began rolling the dollar bill into a straw, as the cocaine burned on my tongue. I bent over and snorted up every ounce of coke there. Again, the taste streamed down my throat. My eyes watered and my mouth and nostrils burned. As I walked out of the bathroom, he stood there, grinning.
Time went on and the cocaine greatly affected my personality, as well as my mind. Carlos approached me with more concern on how I was supposed to pay him back for the coke, than my state of well being. I had no idea, so I asked; "What do you want?" He said all would be payed off if I let him touch my breasts. At this time, he was 29 , so we both knew the consequences. We waited until everyone was Away, then he groped me. Being a young virgin, I was panicky. I had never been in a situation like that before. I just lied there. Now thinking back, I guess I was too traumatized to do anything. I thought the coke would be a one time thing, a minor forbidden experience. But, boy was I wrong..
He continued to come over, and with him, came the coke. After the first time, he knew I was hooked. He kept providing me with cocaine, for sexual favors in return. I continued these habits for a while. He came over more and more until it became a regular thing. So did the cocaine. I think I enjoyed both the taboo of drugs and being involved, sexually with an older man. I couldn't stop. One night, it was decided. I was going to have sex with him, and lose my virginity. It was late, and everyone was preoccupied. We sneaked to the back of the house and attempted to have sex on a chair. It hurt a great bit on my end so we stopped. Later, I would sneak out to his car and have sex there. When I got used to sex, we had it more often and used each other regularly. Being young and naive, I somehow got it in my head that I wanted to be with Carlos, as his girlfriend. After pondering over the silly thought, I pushed it to the back of my mind and continued with the sex and the drugs. My feelings that I denied, kept growing for him.
Months went by with these thoughts in my head. It tortured me, cause I knew how he felt about me. He insulted me on a regular occasion and constantly reminded me I was nothing to him, but a whore. These heart breaking comments ate away all my self-esteem. But I stayed and kept having sex with him for drugs, so I could try to gain his attention. But attention wasn't What I gained. Sex wasn't enough for him anymore. In order to get more coke, he told me to do things such as; letting him harm me. I couldn't resist. My addiction was overwhelming. I let him scratch me to the point of bleeding, choke me, bite me, burn me with cigarettes for a matter of seconds. We were both completely insane. He wasn't enough for me. I grew out of control and started having sex with any guy I met. Carlos didn't like that very much. He grew heated with jealousy and anger. One night, we were about to have sex. He wanted to have anal sex, but I refused and he started to put it in. I screamed stop and tried to push him away, but he pinned me down and covered my mouth. He shoved it in and sodomized me. It hurt so bad, he did it too hard. I wouldn't stop bleeding. You would've thought that I left after that, but I stayed around him. Like it was nothing. Like he didn't rape me at all. I was still sexually active with other men, and Carlos reminded me of how much of a whore I was during sex. I felt so disgusting, like No one would ever want me. I felt worthless.
But I still stayed. With time, my addiction grew greater and greater. Whenever I did coke, it made everything numb. All my problems went away, I felt the rush, my previous dull life needed. I didn't wanna stop. We both came to a point where we discovered each other's feelings for one another and we got together as boyfriend and girlfriend. He stopped the verbal abuse, and treated me well. He also stopped supplying me with cocaine. After weeks of deprivation, I broke. I tried contacting other men, in search of cocaine. One night, he caught me. He was incredibly angry and beat me. He gave me a black eye and slammed me into the wall three times. We were separate for some time. But my addiction, the nose candy called to me. He was the only way to it. I started having sex with him for coke, and later we got back together.
For once, the madness stopped. No more coke, No more abuse. We were clean and in love. Almost 2 years passed by. I was going to high school soon. And I wanted to be a child. I wanted to be alive. He was controlling. I couldn't have friends, I couldn't do things, other people did. He held me back, and I got tired of it and finally broke free. I broke up with him. He didn't take it well. He was in a state of emotional distress. We tried to stay friends, but he was broken. Soon, depression grew into anger. One night, I went to hang out with him. He bought weed and encouraged me to smoke a great amount. I was extremely high, to the point of puking. For some reason, whenever I did really strong drugs, I threw up. I could barely hang onto a sound. He confronted me on the break up. He threatened me somehow, if I didn't have sex with him. I had no idea What was even happening. He climbed on top of me, and I tried to push him Away, but he overpowered me. Before it could move any further, the cops pulled up to his vehicle. Carlos quickly hopped off of me and into his seat. The officer approached the car and asked how old I was. I muttered; "thirteen". The cop told Carlos to step out of the car and arrested him. Officer after officer questioned me. I was so shook up, the cops thought I was on Meth. Later that night, one cop drove me home. They got Carlos for child molestation, possession of marijuana, and sexual assault.
You'd think with him out of my life, I'd be happy. But he was my pain, my joy, my hurt, my love. I loved him. I felt so guilty, so lonely, so empty. I went through a deep depression. I attempted to take my own life. I drank antifreeze. My body heated up, I couldn't walk, I blacked out. From What I remember, a friend took me to the hospital. I remember ripping the IVs out of my arm and trying to tear the tv out of the wall. I wouldn't stop screaming and crying. I could feel my brain frying. I had to be strapped down. I was sent to another hospital and I was put in intensive care. My organs were failing. Bruises covered my body from all the IVs in me. After a week in the hospital, I made a full recovery and I was shipped to a mental Ward. When I entered the place, all I heard was screaming. I stayed mute for 3 days, then I was put on anti depressants. That place was like a prison. I had to stay there a long week. I just recently got out, a few months earlier. Now I'm on stronger anti depressants, and I try to cope with my memories. Oh and about the coke, I haven't touched it in 8 months.