Vote +7

no matter what


27 Apr, 2012 08:26 PM

The hardest thing on being a lesbian for me is not that I wouldn't be accepted among my peers or my society. But when I'm in love with my own best friend. My religious yet spoiled friend. Whom I used to hate because she annoyed me very much, so in order to keep her away, I terrorize her into fearing me. But then she reached out to me, became my best friend, and now I love her.

She knew I was gay, but she wasn't afraid of me because she believed, I wouldn't take advantage of my own friend, and so, I wouldn't love my own friend.
But then I realized I was lying, I loved her very much. I realized how much I loved when we were at the last year of high school. I tried my best to keep her by my side, to spend the last time we had together. If I couldn't bear the truth that we're going to separate, I cut myself, I wrote her name on my wall or my journal with my blood.

Now she kept on complaining about her life in college. I joked around with friends and said she's a weak girl on a harsh voice. Deep inside, I was hurt, I couldn't protect her and made her happy as I'd sworn. And she doesn't know that I should be the one that protect her, she chose to pour her pain and her secret into others. So many time I got struck by jealously. And yet I couldn't do anything about it. I just silent myself, secretly reading her blog and Facebook, just to know what was happening to her. I knew I wished her happiness, but I just couldn't take it when her happiness was brought by someone else. I'm a selfish lover.

Sometimes, I'm thinking about the future and seeing her one day being a bride. A lucky guy would hold her hand and walk on the altar, saying their vows. As I am losin the one that I love. I knew I would hate that guy so much, even now, I always try to make her avoid men so that I could have her. Yes, I'm a selfish bastard.

I knew telling her what I felt would be unpleasant for her. And I knew it would just make our relationship worse. So I'd rather hold my tongue although it hurt so much. But if it makes her happy, even if it kills me, I would smile. No matter what.

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Sarah says:
04 Nov, 2012 09:52 AM

forget her! i think that its better4u.

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Zoya says:
31 Jan, 2013 07:00 PM

Woah....1st of all u r nt selfish..nd 2nd of all..why dnt u tell her?...

Just tell her..tell her evrythig....

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amber says:
14 Apr, 2013 08:55 AM

you know what.. Ive been in the same situation you are.. And i dont mean 2 be rude but with a best friend.. You will just loose the friendship that you have if you tell her... Sometimes u just have to become hardcore to deal with soft situations...

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Something says:
19 Jul, 2014 09:26 AM

Godless creature.

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Someone Lonely says:
01 Nov, 2014 01:06 PM

I've been in the same situation, but she's not my best friend. In fact, we hardly know each other. I've seen her a thousand times ever since we were in middle school; classes, cafeteria, library, corridors, stairs, etc.. We'd joined the same clubs when we were little but I didn't spare even a glance at her. She's someone I know by name, but not someone I know.

Right now, as I'm typing this, I'm very much in love with this girl. At our last year of high school, I started noticing her and the little things she does everyday. I'd notice the way she walks, the way she flips her hair, the burning passion in her eyes when she reads. It's all very enchanting, loving her. I stalked her on social websites and keep track of her daily life. I find information about her and store them in my heart. There was one time when I knew something about her that everyone, including her best friends, didn't. I felt so happy but I did not reveal her secret. I just keep it to myself.

I'm a very cheerful person, and I interact a lot. I always feel uncomfortable around her because I want to be my best when I'm with her, and I am usually quiet. I'd just observe her like an FBI agent whenever I'm around her. Yeah, I know I sound like a creep but being in love is... like that. There's a hot guy in my school who had liked her for a few years now, but she'd turned him down, saying her parents didn't want her to be in a relationship at this time. Deep down, I know she likes him because I'd notice her stealing glances at him or writing his name on her papers. I feel so jealous that sometimes I keep reminding myself that he's the one she likes, and I'm just a nobody. I can only just keep my distance and love her from faraway. If I told her the truth, she'd just hate me for the rest of her life and that'd suck. A lot. It's just best to keep my distance and not tell anyone my little secret.

So, our last year in high school together. We'll be separated next year, she'll go to one of the top higher institutions (she's smart) and she'll meet lots of smart boys and smart girls. I'll go to another college and probably never see her again. I can only just check her out every day in Facebook and Twitter just to know what she's been doing. I know that perhaps one day, I'll get to see her wedding photos and husband. It hurts, it really hurts, but I've learned not to be selfish. She deserves happiness and I certainly do not deserve someone like her. One day, she's going to meet a man whom she loves, marry him and have children with him. Twenty years from now, perhaps she'd have forgotten me or my name, but I swear I'll never forget her. She's so special to me, and she's the person whom I had deeply loved. I just want to wish her happiness, and although I'm not the reason behind her smile and happiness, I'll be glad if someone else can take my place and make her happy.

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Jassson says:
23 Oct, 2015 07:43 PM

Forget her

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Leon says:
30 Oct, 2015 05:13 AM

I feel you, life is just stuck in one place and never go where we wish it move, even just a little bit.

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Anonymous says:
29 Dec, 2015 07:31 PM

The truth of this hurts. I've loved her for years, even before I was 100% sure of my sexuality. She's been my best friend since second grade, and knows I'm a lesbian. She's three only person I've ever trusted with that information. I love her, but losing her would hurt so much.Almost every day I sit in my room crying thinking about her smile, her laugh, her concern, her love of animals and books- and her boyfriend. She told me about him a month before I came out. He makes her smile, she's liked him even longer than I loved her. I HATE him. Thinking of her with him, thinking of her smiling in her perfect way at someone else. To my horror, this past year we've drifted apart. I blame him, but it's probably because of me. I act awkward the closer I an to her. Only when I'm alone or she's asleep can I say I love her.

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Abby says:
29 Oct, 2016 10:56 AM

I also love a girl and she loved me....but she started dating a guy and leave me ....she knows that how much I love her and how much I'm mad about her ......

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Jordan says:
03 Apr, 2017 03:01 AM

I think u shouldnt tell her bc if shes not gay shes prolly gonna cut u off...but u should at least try to kinda flirt to try to make her gay but if she no u gay an she dont really talk to u like that u should prolly stop obsessing over her????

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