High School Hell18 Feb, 2012 02:18 PM
I don't really know where to start, or how. Perhaps it could all go back to my childhood. Don't get me wrong, my parents were good parents. It's just never once in my life have they said "I love you". I've never been hugged by them nor given any attention. This may be due to the fact of having a large family. However, ever since birth I have felt alone. And that scares me.
In elementary school, I had no friends. This was due to my horrible speech problems. People made fun of me for the way I talked, so I didn't talk. This went on for years. Years of never having a friend to walk with. Or even a single person to talk to.
Then came middle school. I wasn't bullied, I was tormented. My speech impediment was no longer there, so I'm still not sure why. But they made my life horrid. I couldn't walk down the halls without being kicked, punched, or tripped. They'd laugh at me when I'd walk by. I was a no one. Not even the teachers acknowledged my existence.
Once high school came, everything changed. I was suddenly loved. All the guys wanted to be with me. Every girl wanted to be my friend. I suppose this was because I finally got "pretty". Yet I didn't date anyone, because they had all made fun of me at some point in my life.
But there was Ben. An 18 year old senior. I had never heard of him. He was so sweet. And wonderful. And I was only 14. I didn't know a thing about love. So, I thought I loved him.
It was 6 months of pain. Pure hate. He'd beat me. I was hospitalized 7 times thanks to him. I lied every time the cops got involved. Why? Because I thought I loved him. It wasn't until he raped me did I realize it wasn't love. I told my parents. The cops went looking for him. Ben disappeared. I haven't heard from him since.
So then came the depression. I was now 15. I remember every suicide note I've ever written. I know exactly how many times I've put a gun to my head. The scars on my wrists are a constant reminder. I nearly drunk myself to death. I started doing drugs. I was alive, yet dead. I finally couldn't take it anymore. 30 pills later and 10 deep slashes on my wrist, I was airlifted to the hospital.
I was in critical condition. My coma lasted 3 weeks. This was over the summer, and somehow the entire school knew. I awoke to flowers and chocolates and I was confused.
I got out of the hospital a month later. My sophomore year had already started. When I went to school, people felt sorry for me. Never before have I gained so much attention. Oddly, I liked it.
I was on so many anti-depressants that I couldn't feel anything. I didn't feel sad or happy. I was numb. Then came along Phillip. He was nice to me. He helped me. Before I knew it, I was off all my pills. We started dating. Now technically, I wasn't a virgin due to being raped. But I still consider Phillip as the person who took my virginity.
We were happy. He knew everything about me. He was gentle. I loved him. Then, one night after my 16th birthday, we got in a horrible car wreck. I woke up a month later in the hospital. Phillip was still in a coma. I stayed up late one night in my hospital bed going through all the mail I had received from worried friends (I was over 300 miles away from my house). This was when I came across a letter from a weird address. A address not far from where the hospital was.
I opened it...and it was from Ben.
I stayed up the rest of that night. How was it that it just so happened he lived roughly five minutes from the very bed I was sitting in? Was this a sign? Was I meant to talk to him once more?
Around a week later, he visited me. We talked. He was different. Although he put me through all of this, I...loved him. He proceeded to visit me in secret for the next few weeks. I got better and left the hospital. Phillip was still in a coma. So I'd visit the hospital once a week. I'd talk to Phillips unresponsive body, then I'd go see Ben.
About 3 months later, Phillip was better.
I am now 18, and engaged.
I'm happy, I really am.
Yet not a day goes on that I don't think of Ben...
I know I shouldn't, but I do.
Don't fall for the first person that comes around. And if anyone ever lays a hand on you or rapes you, call 911 and NEVER look back. Be strong. There is someone out there that loves you for you. People never change. Never give 2nd chances...