What To Do

Morgan

I feel so lost.. because I feel that I am the only one going through with this problem.
My father lives in California, and my mother in Ohio. I live with my mother in Ohio, and I visit my father during the holidays. But I don't really love my father because he is a control freak. I am never aloud to have my phone and I am always trapped in his little apartment which I have to sleep on his couch every time I visit him(like the holidays and the whole summer). And I never really want to be seen with him because he is always or well most of the time annoying me and forcing me to wear these horrible clothes, and when we fight in public I am afraid people think I am a mean person when they don't even know the story. And since I go to school in Ohio he always is harassing my school, but he did that before I even moved. He once almost got me kicked out because the school didn't want him to bother them. And one time this year he thought I was stupid just because I have ADHD. He made the school test me and everything, and I passed above average. And they kept asking me if I would learn better in a smaller group and I kept repeating no, because I knew I was fine and comfortable. And what made me mad was that he thought I was stupid. And every time I visit him and I make him upset he gets this really creepy face, and one time he almost chased me around the apartment just because I won't give him my phone. I didn't even do anything bad, he just wanted it away from me. And my phone is my safety without it I feel horrible. And the worst part he's like a creep, I was in California at a theme park, and I lost my dad and I looked around for him and it turned out he was in a store staring at me. And now he goes to anger management.

Now my mom.. She has anger problems and a drinking problem. She drinks all the time from the time she gets home till the time she sleeps. She gets so annoying and rude when she gets drunk, she'll repeat the same question over and over and over again. And when she gets mad at me for something she threatens to send me to my father's, and she would call me a "self-fish manipulating bitch" or a "ungrateful self-fish bitch." When I was little I would cry and cry and beg for forgiveness but now I just take the hit or the attempt a hit and the insults and totally won't care.

But like about maybe a little more then a month ago I was molested(touched prevertedly by a older man). See it was my best friends dad and I have been to his house many times before last year, so of course I will think it's safe. But one night he was preaching to us about life and I thought I wish I could have a father who loved me understood me who wouldn't piss me off. So I started to cry, and he felt bad and offered some vodka. I only took it because I trusted him and he acted like a kid. So I took some because I also been wanting to be drunk. I took a lot and smoked some cigerates and he soon got my friend himself and I drunk. And I don't know what he was thinking but he kept grabbing my crotch (I am a girl). I don't know if it was to keep me from falling or sexually, so I kept squirming to get out and he kept getting a grip. Soon I was laying on the bed and he came behind me and started sticking his hands down my pants but it was in between the underwear and the pants. I kept pulling it away but it kept coming back. Then soon I guess he fell asleep and I ran to another bed to go to sleep with my friend (who also witnessed the whole thing). Soon we all woke up acting normal. The next next week I can go back because my friend talked me into it. She said he had to much and only saw what he wanted. Nothing happened, until the drive home. He refused to drop me off first, so he dropped his kids off first. So it was just me and him, in the car. He started telling me I was hot and beautiful and that If I were to be five years older he would try to get with me, and that I have a nice ass and boobs too. Then he started to ask me questions like, have you ever seen a dick, have I ever touched one, if I wanted to touch one.. I just kept fake laughing in the car to keep it from getting awkward. Then he accused me of trying to give it to him when I was drunk two weeks ago, when I remembered everything I did. I was going to tell him what he did, but I didn't. Afraid of the awkwardness or the responds.

Soon later my mom found out and got the cops involved. I told the truth, because I wouldn't lie and plus I wouldn't be able to make up a whole story. And soon my friend texted me saying the cops came to her dads house and how we can't hang anymore. To be honest I was a little hurt because we were really good friends, I wasn't hurt as much because every time when I would be happy she would threaten to punch me and she was really bossy, and a couple weeks before I was thinking about not hanging out with her anymore. But then I told her that she can't lie to the cops about what happened and she said that she lied to me about seeing it. And she thinks she's the only one hurt by this. It didn't bother me in the beginning of it, but when I started to think about it, it wasn't the touching part that bothered me it was the thought of much of less of a person I was to him. It made me think every guy is like that, they all think girls just suck and fuck, especially when my ex(that I love) left me and then starts to get with my friend or use to be friend then talks to me just so I could send him pictures.

So now my friend blames me for being the victim when I tried to explain I never wanted this. So when I am by her she always backs up like I am some illness.
And because of what happen, every time when me and my mother get in a fight she says what she always says and blame me for what my old friend's dad did to ME. And everyday I hide in my room to get away from my mom..

She has accused me of being pregnant (I'm not fat), having sex with my old best friends dad, for having sex with my step brother, doing drugs, making myself throw up, the only thing she hasn't accused me of is cutting myself (which I don't.) But now I have to see a therapist (I am fine it's my mom) and I told her I hang in my room and she wants me to hang with my mother.*Psshh yeah right over my dead body*

And since both my parents are really bad I am trying to divorce them, well more of a manipulation. I am going to try and live with my aunt in Flordia. Her idea.. But I hope I am not being manipulating because a lot of people feel bad for me.

And I am such a happy person, in the day. But at night I become very depress and think about driving everyone away so I don't get hurt or worry about depressing them. But I am semi emo.. I don't cut myself, I just cry.. My tears are like blades cutting my face. I cry cause I am scared of the sight and word of blood. And plus since my life is like this I am a sensitive person, and I always have been. But crying to me is like filling a water bottle up till it over flows, I am the bottle and my tears is the over flowing water. I just cry and then start over, it feels good. : /
But I did leave out some details in the story, and I hope I don't sound like a bad person..
I really don't want to be..
Thanks for reading and taking your time. It helps,