Am I enough?25 Oct, 2011 08:51 PM
The story starts years ago, I was almost 3, my little sister Chloe Sophia was just born. My father has and still does drugs. Every drug imaginable.
My father brought my mother into drugs and luckily she stopped. My father could never hold down a job and claimed things that were untrue, bu my mother thought she loved him so went along with it. He'd leave for weeks, even months at a time. He'd cheat on my mother, lie, and leave. She gained weight. She was 360 by the time i was born...she was a very beautiful woman. (SHE STILL IS!) She tried to fill the hole. When me and my sister were born she only wanted the best for us.
I have always been my dads favorite. He hated Chloe, she was the cutest thing ever. I loved her like she was my little girl.
I remember the divorce like a bad dream.It was really early Christmas morning...I got a light up ball that sang and my sister was asleep in the bed beside my moms. I remember diving down to get it and having my sister sitting right by me and letting her push all the buttons and cheering every time she did :) My mother was sitting on the bed anxiously looking at the door. I wanted to ask 2 questions that early morning. One was, Mommy wheres daddy? and the other was Mommy are you okay? But I didn't and she twirled her thumbs around for hours. I got tired, but i wanted to stay up with my mom. So i did, i played with my toys that she got me that I adored. I smiled at her because she looked so gorgeous. But I was still worried that this was the end.
Finally my dad came in and I sat in silence. He FOR A FACT was drunk and high. My mind raced and my palms were sweaty. I kept covering my ears to prevent the yelling. Shouts of wrong were going up in a storm or anger. I wanted to shout stop mommy! stop daddy! But I couldn't find the courage. I knew who was to blame. I knew it all along, it was my dad. My mother was in tears. I got up and I ran over to Chloe who was lying in her crib and i sat right by it. My dad spotted me and my mom yelled "get out". He walked over threw me up over his shoulder and said I'm going with my little girl. I kicked and screamed. My mom went full ninja on him and started to cuss grabbed me in one hand and my sister in the other. At the time we were living in my grandfathers summer house and he fought back for sure. My mom won she kicked in the door to my grandpas and had him help to defend her and called the cops, got a lawyer and they were soon divorced.
Years after that night my dad would call occasionally and demand to see us. Or pop in and expect us to come with him.
We started to reconnect when I found out I was going to have a little brother. At this point I had 2 sisters. One belonged to only my father. He was pushing us out of his life and didn't need us. It broke my heart and I cried and felt like nothing.
Recently we had a visit and I acted as if I knew him and that family, but I know nothing about them. He still thinks I'm 7. Hes in-state now and is trying to get me to see him. I told him he can't control me anymore. I do not love him. I do not KNOW him. I have NEVER known him.
I am 13 now and I live with my now happily engaged mother (who lost a lot of weight, she filled the hole with love from us and her fiancee and other family) I have 2 step brothers and stick strongly by my sister and mother. I love my soon-to-be- step dad. He is kind and he loves my mom.
I don't know how to love right and I will always have an open wound. He makes me feel insignificant and like a terrible person. I wear my scar, the scar that is man-made. I have a voice, you do not need to bow down to the people who don't respect you.
But let me ask you one thing,am I enough?