how do i kill it?08 Aug, 2011 12:28 AM
I'm 14 years old. Live with a family of four. Mom, dad and my brother. Sure we fight like normal families do, but we are totally normal. A loving family, could not ask for more. In school I'm popular, tons of friends, OK grades. Girls come pretty easy, but I'm only interested in one. But back to her later. Two years ago I was going into 7th grade. Which means I would be turning 13. I cant tell you much more about those days because honestly I cant remember them for the life of me..the life of me..how that's changed....Anyways, that summer I lost a very close friend. I used to live next to her when I lived in California, some years ago. I was txting her and about 2 hours after we stopped talking I got a call from her brother Brandon. He told me something I couldn't register. Car crash, she was in the front seat. Drunk driver hit her side of the car dead on in the front. Died almost instantly. she was my age...her name was Andrea. That was a frustrating year but not that bad. Summer after 6th grade, I'm 13, going on 25. Got into alcohol that summer. not partying. I would do it alone, drink until Id black out and wake up on the floor the next day. How did my parents not see this? guess I was the last person to suspect doing shit like that. 7th grade begins and I'm a mess, but of course no one see's it. I don't let them. That year was big...it was just shock after shock. Friend killed himself, shot right in the head. gone. just like that. Why? had a lot of family problems..not my place to say what. Half way through the year I'm wrecked. Buying alcohol through older kids in the high school, I'm addicted. its my only escape..Self abuse? cutting? I did it once or twice. I found it stupid..like why? it didn't even hurt..it seemed pointless. I just wanted to die. Just die. End of 7th grade, I've tried to kill myself two times. Once by alcohol poisoning, other time with pills. (painkillers, tons of ADD/ADHD meds..that was awful..) Alcohol wasn't enough. I needed narcotics. started on weed but moved on right away. Oxy..ecstasy, PCP, coke..Heroin..Beginning of 8th grade I'm on the train to hell, you could follow the tracks up my arms to find me..Why me? how did all this happen? where am I..help. Arianna. That's her. I met her in September through a friend. The last thing on my mind was a relationship! like i cared. basically..i fell in love. Oh i love her still, its been 10 months together now, I swear im gonna marry her. We always talk about our future, where we want to live, have kids and so on. we are 14, is this normal? no, and I'm fine with it. She saved my life. Her her love came into my heart and pulled me out of hell. I'm not sure what she saw in me..besides fear, hatred and needles, what else WAS in me? it was painful, but she pulled me out. she saved me..from my demon. This summer, going into 9th grade, tons of friends again and with my love. I'm happy! I'm free. But my demon still stalks me..follows me..haunts me. Its in my mind..my heart. Its always there..To this day I can feel it pulling me. Hell is pulling at my heels, I can feel it!! when I'm alone and afraid, I'll close my eyes and see hell's roaring flames and feel the dead cold of my demons embrace..What is my demon? I think it has many names...Pain, Fear Hatred, Addiction. How do I kill it once and for all? make it go away! maybe its name is Mike..then I know how to kill it. But what if its not? How do i kill this demon...I don't know. I hope I can kill it soon..I hate this pulling..this tug. You know what? I have my family even still (yeah, they stuck with me through it all..I love them..) and I have my girl, Arianna. Shes my everything..my Heaven. I say to hell with you, demon. Goodbye pain, suffering and fear. And to addiction I say I can take you on! Because I can. I'm staying with my heaven and staying with her until when I die, because I've already spent my time in Hell. Thank you for reading. I wish I could share everything that's happened, but I cannot. If there was one thing I would want any readers to take from this is that...Life is beautiful.