Vote +48

For you Josh

Rachel McConnell

10 Nov, 2016 05:19 AM

During my first year of high school I had befriended a young, beautiful girl named Alexis. She was one of those friends that I just immediately clicked with. She had short black hair that was constantly straight, always brushing her chin when she turned her head. Her eyes were the most brilliant shade of blue with what seemed to be purple hidden in her light irises, and her skin was a soft white ivory. Over all her appearance made all the boys at our school swoon for her. She was an honor student, always maintaining a 4.0 and she had the most amazing personality. She had the ability to always appear happy and confident, and always willing to help anyone who needed it. But notice I said appear happy, really she was hiding a dark secret. My sweet, beautiful friend had been suffering from manic depression most of her life keeping it hidden from all, including me. I could tell something was wrong but I never could figure out what it was until that one fateful day cam. I was sitting in my room, angry that I had failed another test, when I got the phone call. Alexis had been left home for a week alone when her parents went on a vacation. Her parents had asked me to run over to their place to check on Alexis because she hadn’t answered her phone in two days. This alone scared me. I was a little worried that she didn’t show up at school but I had assumed she was sick and when I texted her and didn’t get a response my first thought was “oh she’s asleep, I suppose I should leave her be” and that was the end of that, but she always, always answered for her parents. I got up and quickly got my shoes and such on and I was out the door telling my parents I would explain later. I ran to her house not stopping for anything. When I got to her red door I knocked and knocked and when I didn’t get a response I checked to see if the house was locked, and of course it wasn’t. I walked in and shouted her name a couple of times. I checked all of downstairs and couldn’t find her. When I was about to go up her carpeted staircase I was stopped, dead in my tracks by a rancid smell, the same kind as dead fish. I plugged my nose and slowly crept up the stairs, still shouting her name and still getting no response. The smell was so strong that even breathing through my mouth I could still smell it, and the smell was coming from her room. Not good. Her room never smelled like that. I pushed open the a little at a time afraid of what I might find. What I found was worse than what I ever could have imagined. There Alexis lay, bathed in a puddle of her own, mostly, dry blood. I began to dry heave, glad I hadn’t eaten that day. Her arms and legs were covered in cuts and scars but the biggest source from which the blood flowed from was her throat. She had a long deep cut going from one side of her neck to the other. I was now sobbing looking into her dead, blue eyes wondering how I never noticed, how I never put two and two together and notice why she always wore pants and long sleeve shirts, why she always pulled at her sleeves, and why she would disappear to the bathroom when she was feeling sad. I felt like the worst friend ever. I quickly called nine one one and her parents to deliver the bad news and then I called my parents to come and get me so I wouldn’t have to look at her dead, tear streaked face, so I wouldn’t have to see the dry blood pooling from her mouth and matting her hair to her face and her clothes to her skin. I couldn’t take it I just couldn’t. I just sat there staring at her before my parents got there and in doing so I noticed a piece of paper in her hand. I quickly pulled it from her fingers trying not to look at her as I did so. The piece of paper read:

Dear whomever finds this note,
I’m truly sorry for leaving you like this but I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. If this isn’t Josh (Me) then  please tell him that I wish I he wouldn’t have to deal with this loss and that this isn’t his fault. And please tell him that even though he was my best friend that I love him. I love him more than I should and I just wish that this could have gone differently so I may have had a chance to be with him. Josh, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

My friend Joshua sent me his story and I asked if I could upload it and get the word out and with a very sad yes that's just what I did. This story will always be a part of my life because I love my friends so much and I hope that this story actually helps people out there to get some help. If you or anyone else is feeling as though you need someone please get some help, people out there, even complete strangers, want you to live your life not end it. I went through self harm problems and I eventually got help and I haven't had a relapse in almost five months.

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A lonely & depressed life says:
26 Jan, 2017 06:35 PM

Its really really depressing Josh... I am also under depression... no one to share my feelings with... could you be my friend my email is...
Smithirapara@ymail .com

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mehwish says:
17 Feb, 2017 08:03 PM

Their is a time in life when you just are not alive any longer and their is no need to end your life because you have become numb... thats what is with me..betrayal, loneliness, sins and everything..i have tried suicide by eating 25 pills but it didnt help...and yes now i have realised thats how you live so everyone out their learn to live with pain and darkness...and if by mistake you get any happiness push it away and say no to it...

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A girl that doesnt fit in says:
25 Feb, 2017 09:44 PM

Even though this a depressing story, I wish if I was her. I just want die most of the time. I do hide my cuts, and I'm just always depressed 11 year old girl hiding razors in her room...I'd hate to lose a friend like that thou....

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kiwi says:
26 Feb, 2017 01:26 AM

wow......i am sooooo.....i dont know what to say...i am sorry for that

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earlrave says:
26 Feb, 2017 11:33 PM

I know that was the very most challenging of your life Josh but keep praying to God Almighty, pray that the innocent soul of your bestfriend, Alexis would be in his paradise. Be strong, brave, and positive in facing those trials in your life. Remember, God has a plan for all of us. Godbless!

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Lilbabydiamond23 says:
02 Mar, 2017 01:05 PM

I'm so depressed right now like no joke he was her bff and she killed herself because of her problems in life god bless u and lonely nad depressed life I will be your bff

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Satoripanda says:
04 Mar, 2017 01:44 AM


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No Answer says:
07 Mar, 2017 10:53 PM

I'm not Josh I asked permission to write his story. I told him about the things you guys said he's very thankful.

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Inka Williams says:
08 Mar, 2017 09:30 AM

This is so sad ???? I lost my best friend to suicide and it was fucking hard. She was happy but sad underneath. I didn't notice until she was gone. Much love ??

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Matthew Anderson says:
10 Mar, 2017 08:14 PM

matthew .alexander.

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Daniel says:
30 Mar, 2017 10:09 PM

I too lost my Girlfriend a couple of years ago and I still blame myself for that... reading this story brought up a lot of old feelings but it just goes to show that... somewhere people are going through the same emotions... you're never alone...

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Kari says:
25 Apr, 2017 02:47 PM

This pains me a lot.I've been thru depression and I still am,I've never cut myself.But I have a friend that does...And what hurts me is that....I don't know how to help her.It feels like I'm drowning in my own problems trying to help those around me

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Rachel McConnell says:
21 Feb, 2018 02:54 PM

For anyone reading these comments and anyone who has commented themselves I just want you to know that I am here. I will always be here. If you need someone to talk to friend me on facebook. I'm Rachel McConnell. I don't want anyone feeling alone, feeling like the world is trying to swallow them whole. I know the pain. The pain of not being able to do anything about where you're at. About feeling lost in a world full of fake idiots that think cutting is a way to look cool. If you truly need someone to talk to please message me. I can't stand the idea that people want to end it all. I used to be that way. My last count of attempted suicides is 21. I hate myself for ever having thought one attempt was a good idea but I'm in a good place now and I want you guys there too.

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