Am I a horrible person?27 Sep, 2016 08:24 PM
I’ve been thinking for the last couple of hours what happened and I need to explain.
My name is Joe I’m a single dad and raised 2 boys alone since their mum and I split about 10 years ago. My oldest son (23 years old) lives in Australia and recently been diagnosed with cancer, my youngest of 21 sent a picture of his 17-year-old ex-girlfriend over the internet, he was 18 at the time, so he’s having to attend court soon, stressful time for us all, he lives with me at my parents after I separated from my ex-partner. I’ve been teaching in a college for a few years now and recently change to a different college, I love my job, difficult at times, but it has its benefits when students achieve.
I found my true love about 18 months ago, I met Alison online, a dating site. She has two kids, Chris 20 & Emily 21 years old. We hit it off straight away. We had fantastic times in each other’s company, great holidays too. So on her birthday I asked her to marry me. I finally found my soul mate. She said yes! This made me the happiest man on this earth. Plans were made, nothing official, but we spoke mainly of going to Naples to marry. Thinking that everybody would presume I only asked her to marry me as she had a house, I suggested that I do a prenuptial agreement and that if anything was to happen to Alison after we married then the house would automatically pass to her kids. I didn’t want the house, I had Alison’s heart. She was pleased that I thought of this and my interests where for her. I kind of spend the majority of my spare time at Alison’s house but go home each evening only spending the weekends at Alison’s.
A little while ago Alison was going mad at her kids regarding them not helping around the house, you know the usual things a parent says, I too am guilty of this, enough is enough though and you snap. So being diplomatic and standing by what Alison was saying, I pointed out that their mum (and myself) was spending our weekends having to pick up and clean up after them. “It’ll be really great if they helped out more and this wouldn’t cause arguments” I said. Her son just did the usual nod and said “ok, I’ll help out more” he said, you know that usual boy / man nod, I too am guilty of this! It’s a man thing. Her daughter did the usual crying part and said everyone is having a go at her. Now bearing in mind, I was middle of the road and just thought I was doing the right thing by explaining. It was only a couple of days later that I realized I’m being blanked by the daughter, and a while later I was told that I was having a go at her. I did explain to her mum I wasn’t.
A while ago (a 6 months or more) I was caught out by Emily in the bedroom getting changed, my hearing is terrible, (due to all the engineering places I’ve worked in) she was in Alison’s bathroom and thought the coast was clear after calling through the closed bathroom door. I did mention to Alison about this, I was a bit red faced and thought nothing of it, that is until Emily complained to her mum, saying this isn’t right and I think she thought I did it on purpose. So here I took it on the chin so to speak, and thought I’ll be more careful. During this period from then till now, I tried to make conversation, but only managed a short answer in reply from Emily. Her son Chris was the opposite, I’ll chat all day and he was fine with me. I was given a front door key by Alison the other week as I started recently at a different college and it was closer than going back to my parents where I’m living to get changed.
I’d go to Alison’s house after work, as I was given a front door key, get changed, do some house work here and there, odd jobs, pop to the supermarket and cook dinner for when Alison gets home, cuppa tea ready on her return too. It’s the least I can do, I’ve been welcome into Alison’s house, and I kind of treated her place as my own.
The other week I was asked if I could fit a mirror up by Emily and put up a few pictures and shelves up, no problems I thought, I love doing things like that. I did notice that her mirror was covered in dust and make up. While upstairs the other week, helping to clean and tidy I mentioned to Alison if she has seen the work I did in Emily’s room, she said no and I followed her into Em’s room (Emily was out at the time). I had in my hand glass cleaner as I was cleaning her kids bathroom, so I cleaned her mirror. I didn’t think anything of it; it’s a dad sort of thing to do. While in her room Alison mentioned that Em’s room could do with decorating, yep, it did I thought to myself.
The house was empty the other day when I returned from work, so while in the shower I thought it would be a nice thing to repaint and decorate the kids rooms while they’re away and surprise them. I popped into their rooms to assess what Alison and myself could do, then I got thinking, why start with the kids rooms when Alison has been saying for ages she would like a new kitchen, I’ll surprise Alison first and do the kitchen, a lot of homework would have been done first to establish the kind of kitchen Alison would like. Good plan I thought, this would really surprise Alison a lovely kind thing to do for a loved one. Didn’t think any more of it, but knew I needed to be a bit sneaky to find out more on kitchens designs. I went to Alison’s after work yesterday, got showered and noticed that the older I get, the more bodily hair appears, so I had a trim here and there. I hate chest and back hair; I think it’s horrible. After a quick shave and trim (would have been easier with a hedge trimmer) I realised that I can only put baby oil on myself as it was the only thing in the bathroom, why not? It’s good for skin after a shower. Then it dawned on me, I can’t get dressed because the oil would soak into my clothes and I’ll smell of baby oil, I also needed to go to the supermarket to get dinner for us all, also what would Alison think of me or what I’ve been doing smelling so oily. So I spent a while in Alison’s bathroom and bedroom. I heard a door bang on the landing so I opened the door slightly and popped my head around the bedroom door to see Emily heading towards her bathroom, I said hi Emily but she didn’t reply. She was dressed in her gym stuff so I knew she was going to go out. About 2 or 3 minutes later I heard Em leave the bathroom, thud down the stairs open the front door and slam it shut. About a minute or so later I managed to get an eyelash in my eye, the lighting in Alison’s bathroom isn’t very good, the house was empty so I decided to use the kids bathroom, not wanting to be caught out I covered myself up with a towel and went to the other bathroom, while in there, Emily had come back in the house, really quietly, not banged the door shut and crept up the normal creaky stairs to her room, the first I realised Emily was back in the house was when I heard her bedroom door bang shut. She thudded downstairs and banged the front door shut. I’m 100% sure I was covered up while sorting out my eyelash. I went back into the bedroom got dressed and thought nothing of it. I needed to go to the supermarket. So I waited until Emily to return to ask if she was at home later for dinner. I waited and waited, but she never returned. So I sent her a text on my phone to ask. Still no reply, so I asked Chris if he was eating as I met him in the supermarket where he works and he said no and that his sister was going to her dads later to eat. Myself and Alison had our meal then settled down on the sofa, poor Alison suffers from high blood pressure and her BP was high last night so I decided to let her doze on the sofa. About 8:45pm I said to Alison shall we go up to bed and we did. I know within 30 minutes Alison will be saying that I’m snoring, on hearing this I normally go back downstairs so Alison can have a decent night sleep. I myself have the most uncomfortable night sleep on a small sofa.
I woke this morning (Saturday) and took Alison‘s usual cuppa tea up in bed. I realized that I will need my car MOT’ed as it runs out the end of the month as does the road tax. So I mentioned to Alison about going out early to a new garage I was told about, it closes half day on Saturdays, she said no as Emily wants to talk to her when she returns. I went off & got the car MOT’ed. When I returned I mentioned that I was hungry and we need to eat. Alison said she’ll come with me as she needs to talk to me.
So we set off and popped into costa coffee, there Alison said that Emily and Chris feel uncomfortable with me there, I paused and thought why? Apparently I opened the bedroom door to Emily naked when she wanted to use Alison’s bathroom, she also mentioned that I walk around the house naked, I was so shocked, more so that Alison didn’t want to listen to me explain anything only saying that why should her daughter lie? Also Emily said I went into her bedroom with my dressing gown open, I could not understand. Apparently, Chris’s girlfriend will not stay because of me, also that I’m up and about when Emily gets home early from a night shift. I was told by Alison that I’m not allowed to have a doze at hers while she’s not there and this is unacceptable, I’m not allowed to go into Emily and Chris’s room and I was wrong to clean the mirror, it’s also unacceptable to be naked in Alison’s room after a shower. Alison said to me she needs some space from me and that’s about it. I sent this text to Alison…..
Sorry I know you want your space, but I’ve been thinking for the last couple of hours what happened and I need to explain. I did pop my head round the door of your bedroom yesterday, I was behind the door at the time and I heard a door slam. I was covered up and I said hello to Emily as she walked to her bathroom. She then went out, I know this as I heard the door slam, a couple of minutes later I went to the other bathroom as I had an eyelash in my eye, I didn’t hear the front door reopen nor Emily quietly walk up the stairs, but I did have the towel with me and I was covered up. I did go into the kids rooms the other day, but that was only to look at the walls as you mentioned the other day about redecorating when I was in there (with you) cleaning Emily’s mirror (I was going to talk to you about surprising them when they’re out and revamping their rooms). Yep I did clean the mirror, I’m a bloke, that’s what we do, I did think I was doing Emily a favour by cleaning it. But I remember I spoke to you as you were in her room at the time about her mirror, it was there I said I’ll clean it for her. As for opening the door to her naked after she knocked….. sorry that wasn’t me and if your kids want to use the other bathroom I’m not stopping them, never have. The other week I did go downstairs with a towel around me to get my clothes bag I had left in the office. As I was walking up the stairs Emily came out of her room, again I was covered up. As for being around 1st thing in the morning when Emily gets back, I’m sorry about that, I did start from last week to set my alarm in the morning (5:45) not to be there when she gets home and come back upstairs before she arrives, this is the reason why I came up so early last week, as I say that started last week, problem there is that I wake you early by snoring, I can’t help my snoring, you also said about doing the sleep clinic, I haven’t contacted them as yet, but I will.
Then later that day I sent this-
I did think that I wasn’t a guest in your house; I didn’t think that having a doze was a problem in the afternoon, I did start to class your home as my home too, sorry to over step the mark. I think everything has been taken the wrong way, I did think I was doing everyone a favour by doing things around the house, I did take your home for granted, again I’m sorry about that, I did tidy up, clean, put your wash on, hang out clothes, fold clothes from the airer / washing line, clean your loos and bathrooms, cook and even offer each day to cook for em and chris, the sort of thing a step dad would do. Perhaps I was wrong to do these things; again I’m sorry for that.
I had a reply saying thank you for your honesty.
A day or so later I sent this….
Sorry, - but I think I acted overly "familiar" in a home that is not mine - and one that has em and chris living in it who are not used to another person there, (much less a man) coming and going when you’re not there.
Moving about in the home - without clothes on only a towel, or even fully dressed when others don't know I'm there was inappropriate. So was going into another person's bedroom.
I said it myself: 'I did take your home for granted'
I can only suggest that we both start over and me not be in your home without you there at all.
Well I spoke to Alison a couple of days later only to have her say everything is over. She was explaining that what I did was unacceptable behaviour from me and what I had done, as Emily doesn’t want to be in the house when I’m there. You can imagine my shock. Not only had the person I adore and cherish say she doesn’t want me anymore I had to listen to all the lies that were being told about me. Alison said that I had gone into her daughter’s bedroom with my dressing gown open. I said that is not true and when did this happen? Alison replied around February time, the time when I was caught out getting dressed. I thought for a moment, then said. I did go into Emily’s room after being caught out, I did initially go in there to apologise, I did as I always do, knock 1st, wait for a reply, then say, “Emily are you decent”? if the answer is yes I then say “May I come in”? if the answer is yes I’ll go in, if the answer is no then I won’t go in. On this occasion I was ok to go in. I did have my dressing gown on by now and done up, but more to the point I also had my underwear on. Alison said, why should her daughter lie? She believes Emily and not me.
She also said that Emily mentioned I had put a joke plastic spider under her pillow, I know that’s not true as last October / November (Halloween) time Alison said, don’t show Emily those joke spiders as she’ll have nightmares over them, ok I replied, she’s the same as my son Jack and has a fear of spiders. Again Alison said she believes Emily over me and why would her daughter lie?
Emily had said to Alison that she knocked on the bedroom door to use the ensuite, I said hold on I’m getting dressed, she said she waited another 10 minutes for me to dress then knocked again only to have me open the door to her naked. I said this never happened. Again Alison said she believes Emily over me and why would her daughter lie?
Another issue was I was told by Alison that the bleeping key finders I had in Alison’s house to joke around with the kids was inappropriate. What I had done was bought a few key finders, hide them around the house, then bleep them here and there, at 1st the kids where saying can you here that bleep? Alison and I would look at each other and smile, after a while Chris found one and the joke was over with him, I went to continue with the joke a week later only for Alison to say that Emily is trying to study and perhaps it’s a good idea to stop. At this point I did. Only to do it again a week later when she had stopped studying. Then after a while I explained it was me. I was told by Alison that Emily had said it was bleeping during the day when I wasn’t there and I had said to Emily that I was bleeping them from my work place knowing she was franticly going up and down the stairs looking for them. I can’t do that I said, they only have a 10-meter range, I work about 20 miles away and it’s impossible to do that, again Alison said she believes Emily and why would her daughter lie?
Alison said that Emily told her I was walking around the house naked, I pointed out that I had a shower, got out and realized my clothes were still downstairs in my bag. I put a towel around me, the coast was clear and I collected my bag, as I walked up the stairs Emily came out of her room, ok inappropriate of me I said, but I thought she was in bed asleep after working nights. Alison said I was naked and again why would Emily lie?
I am so lost without Alison, all that I could think about when she was getting cross with me on the phone was to try and calm her down because of her blood pressure. I listened to what she had to say, but when I tried to explain everything I was cut short each time, I said about 10 times please can I explain, but never was allowed to. I finish work of an evening and don’t know where to go, I sit in my car feeling so sad, so alone, so upset. I feel most of the time like bursting into tears. My co-workers ask me all the time how are the wedding plans going? I smile and say “still ongoing”. I walk around the shops and see things that I know that Alison would like, I’d usually buy her things here and there to surprise her and each month after pay day buy flowers for her living room.
I love Alison with all my heart (that is broken) and her family too, I have no idea why Emily would lie. I only want Alison to be happy, if I am not making her happy then I’ll go, my heart will always be hers.