My collection of sadness.30 Mar, 2016 06:24 PM
It’s time again to ponder about what zyan is feeling again. To be honest I’m holding back the tears that express how I’m feeling right now. I’m sad, depressed, lost, confused, and scared. This talk of cece and I breaking up and her moving on right away to some other person hurts. That’s how you know that your relationship is poor and going down hill. I’m hurting everyday because of this feeling. I don’t want this feeling. It hurts so much and I hold onto it like I’m holding a knife and pressing up against my skin waiting for the time until I crack down and decide to finally cut myself and bleed out. I want love and compassion from my partner and when it feels like you're the only one contributing to the relationship it hurts. You’re confused whether she’s interested in you still or not. There are many downers to love and I’m experiencing one. The feeling of failure and hurting. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. Is this relationship worth it? Is it worth all the pain and suffering? I honestly don’t know anymore. She’s my first and I’ve never dated anyone before so it was expected for my first to come crashing. I just want love from her and I get that but not as often as I want to. I want to be with her and near her but I feel like I’ll get in the way because I think she’s better off without me. Anyone could do a better job than me. If I were to say this to someone I’m sure I would break down like I normally do because I’m a softy. I have gentle feelings and I love to express it more with someone that I love. In this case I don’t know how. I’m not even sure she wants to date me anymore and she’s just waiting for me to end it because she doesn't want to break my feelings. I know she’s been through more than me but does she know what I’ve been through? We haven’t really gotten a good one on one talking we’re mostly in groups while I slack off because I don’t have any similarities to them. I’m just thinking whether I’ll cry sooner or later. I can’t stop thinking about this my mind is going to explode I’m going to be balling my eyes out and it will hurt me in every way possible. I love cece and I don’t want to lose her. I’d do anything to keep with with me. But she doesn't need me. She doesn’t want to use me at all. But by doing that it hurts because that’s one contributor out of many problems that I’m feeling. I’ve been holding everything that hurts me for years. And it’s taking its toll on me. She hangs out with other guys and I’m all alone I’m always alone I have friends but I don’t like my friends I don’t like being with my friends. I don’t even know why I need to be here anymore. The only thing that continues to circle through my mind is “does she love me?”
I know that he loves me she’s stated it and said that she did. But what she’s doing isn’t really showing it. I love her but. I’m to the point where I think I had lost her interest and I’ll have to end it. I don’t want to but if she’s going to be cheating on me before she even starts I might as well end it while I’m ahead because I’m not going to deal with this crap anymore. She said she “loves” me but what has she done to show it? She’s taking her ex to the school dance, she doesn’t ever wanna hang out, and she won’t even give me that much respect. I may have given her to much freedom but I guess that’s my fault and I’m getting the results of that. When you love someone what happens when they leave.
I care for others, I help others, and I love others. What seems to be missing from what I’m saying? Please tell me. It’s sorta obvious. You don’t know? Let me point it out. Me myself and I. I hate myself, I’d kill myself, and I’d hurt myself. But I can’t. Because I’m weak, pathetic, horrible, ugly, and disgusting. I wish I wasn’t born at all. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Constantly almost everyday I cry I may not show it but it hurts to keep it in. I want to feel like I’m at peace that there's nothing in the world that would worry me anymore. Sadly there’s nothing that can ever do that. I take medicine, meditation, therapy, and yoga. Still doesn’t help. I look at the moon and see all the emotions in the universe migrate to it and compile into one. I look at it and realize that’s me. I soak up everything but I can never get rid of it. People stand on me and claim me but I can’t do anything about it. I just stand there and let them poke at me and chip me away while they build off of me also. I draw lines on myself and pretend that I’m cutting that’s how desperate and close I am. I don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m better off dead.
All this pain all this regret that is in my life that I’ve held onto for so long hurts more than anything else. Each day that I breath it gets more difficult to keep walking because knowing the fact that the one you're dating the love you love is hurting and that you can’t do anything hurts. I feel so pathetic, weak, and lost. I want to help but what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because she won’t let me. When I walk back to the place called home I face it all alone. My emotions, my problems, and my life. Sometimes I just want to escape it. Escape life and reality. I wish that I cut, I wish that I had something to help me in these times that I struggle. I have nothing. I look at my pen and I just want to jab it in my skin then watch myself bleed knowing that it makes me feel better because I don’t have to feel what hurts the most. I contemplate life and always figure out that one of these days I will die and no one will even notice. I’m just a shadow that doesn’t have a body to hide behind.
A short poem that I made
When you look at life you see billions of beings roaming the world. But what happens when one of the beings loses their life? What do they see that we don't? Are they in pain? Are they at peace? Every single being has their own feeling towards death but what happens when they feel death?
They feel something that no other human could ever understand. The living can't feel what the dying do. All we do is stare and make assumptions. But in reality we will never know until we are the ones being looked at as we take our final breath.
That's why we continue moving. So we can make life worth living for ourselves and the others around us. We try to make every last moment meaningful because there is only one barrier that we can never see. And that is death's gate. We're scared that when we die no one will ever remember us and that everything that we have done was for nothing. We search for meaning and when we are satisfied that's when we can let go of reality itself.
The point of what I said was to tell you what I see and think of the human experience.Friends,family and loved ones they all die eventually and we have to face that fact because no matter where you run to no one is immortal.
In 2014 there was over 42,800 teen deaths because of depression. They couldn't live because they felt if they were themselves that they wouldn't feel accepted. I can't talk for the dead but that's how I felt and how I feel. And I promise you that they probably felt like that to.
When I was 13 I thought I was gay. I decided to tell my parents and they accepted me. But as I began to tell more and more people of how I felt I started to notice that they began to get further away from me. They gave me snares, avoided me, and even started rumors. It hurt a lot. So I decided to say that it was all a joke and after that they all laughed and everything went to normal. I wasn't being bullied anymore, judged,or avoided. I felt like a real person. But I knew that something was missing. A part of me that I shouldn't have thrown away. But it's too late now. I can't go back. I already started my path and I can't get go back. What you see now is me but not the me three years ago. I'm sure I would be really happy but more depressed. I learned to accept myself but the harder part is for others to support your decisions.