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In the rain


16 May, 2014 12:06 AM

She has been more than a best friend to me for an eternity. But yet, I still do not know how to articulate and express my true feelings. Her name? Natalie. It is a fitting name for her; innocent and beautiful. We were both 15 years old. Although I was head over heels for you, I could not tell you because of him. You have had a thing with him for a couple months now, and every time you tell me a story about him, I wear a fake smile to avert the fact that I'm madly in love with you.

There were many nights I would just say, "ok?" and I would always hope for the response of "ok." . Though this was one word consisting of two
letters, the meaning was worth a million. Night by night would go by, not one without us ending up texting or skyping until 1am about nothing and everything. We would always marvel at the fact that we had EVERYTHING in common, including birthday. Natalie would constantly tell me that she felt like something was supposed to happen in the past (we have been in love with each other as we were idle and away). I would spend many days with 3 hours of sleep, but yet still refreshed from the conversations that we had in the morning before. It truly is refreshing knowing that you can says ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to the person -- except the true feelings that you have for them. Unable to contain my frustration, and depression, I constantly left holes in my wall, covered by posters, and ending up with blood stained knuckles. The taste of metal filled my mouth every time I thought about the fact that I could not have you; impossible to bear. Having tried to get over you, with another girl I will call Cee. Although I would talk about Cee a lot, I still could not get part of my heart back of which you contained in your hands. Those nights of listening to sad music and reading depressing stories, I could no longer hold it in but to start writing my own.

She was the light in the darkness of the abyss, the abyss that tortured me. She gave me more warmth and light than the sun, and the sun would barely even compare to it.

There were many times where I would have asked if you were ok, but your response came an hour later, although, it felt like a century. At least an ok was said in the many responses, until the one day where you said you could no longer take it:

I glanced outside my window with my guitar at my lap, rain was falling, but the noise refreshing. It began to get worse and worse, and then a terrible burning sensation hit my heart; then I knew something was wrong. My phone began to vibrate, but I ignored it as I never answer my phone while making a song. Then there was a moment where it stopped, but then it started vibrating again rapidly; I barely every get calls.
I thought to myself, this is going to be no good, and on the other line, there she was. I could hear the rain hitting the ground in the background, and cars softly passing as well; she began with, "A, I need help, my parents are yelling..." That was the moment everything seemed to stop: my thoughts, the words I heard, and an uncomfortable silence filled the air. Forgetting I was still on the line, in shock I was, I was speechless. She hung up due to the silence, but seconds later I called her back and said, "I'm coming on my bike", She mentioned she was in the cemetery, I remember hearing that before she hung up the first time, then she said something along the lines that shes walking back home. Keep in mind she lives around 20 minutes away from myself by bike. I said something along the lines of "are you really?", then it took her a while to text back. During all of this, I jumped down the stairs, and grabbed my bike off the wall of the garage, and threw it outside in the pouring rain. My mind still blank, I did not even care anymore. I went outside in the 50degree weather with only a t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. I began pedaling through the rain, barely managing to see where I was heading, but at the same time I had my phone in my hand hoping for that response. It must have been around 10 minutes before she responded, "Yeah I'm ready to go back", but that was the last thing I remember after slipping and the bright lights right in my face. Moments later, I could not feel a thing, I was laying there helplessly saying to myself, "I always promised I'd be there for you." followed by a "I promised". I might not have died that day, although, I felt as if I betrayed you which evidently was worse. I woke up many days later from my deep sleep with no light in the deep sleep of the abyss. I don't remember much after laying there on the ground, but my parents said that I reiterated "I promised" many times in the couple of days I was asleep.

Right as I awakened, I texted Natalie. She was completely oblivious to the fact that I had been hurt in an effort to try to help her and let alone to the fact that I was in the hospital. Tears started to roll down my face, I wanted to text her that I betrayed her and she deserved everything that's not me, although, that would require an explanation. Telling her what happened would mean the demise of my existence.

After that day, it was impossible for me to say a word to her or even look at her. The night I crashed on my bike was also the night my heart disappeared.

Fast forward to now, I live in regret day by day with the million of things I would have done differently, and still unable to reiterate what had happened on this night... until now. I am hoping that she finds this story in many years, and hopefully she would understand that now, my body is just a cold machine, grinding through each day not caring if I live the next.

So please, if you one day read this, I truly am sorry. I owe much more than my life to you Natalie, and I regret not ever telling you how I feel or even what happened. For all the times I said goodnight, this will be the last:
Goodnight my love and may your life be filled with peace and mercy; hopefully I have taken all of the pain out of your life and into mine.

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