lost08 Jan, 2014 07:10 PM
I looked outside to watch the trains go by. All you could hear was their battered wheels trembling on the track. It was a normal Friday night, parents arguing, and my oldest sister in her room listening to her music full blast so she didn’t hear what was going on. Then there was me: just standing in my room listening to the parents going on and on about stupid little things, by this time I was in floods of tears. No-one seemed to notice me; just that girl on her own.
I started to sneak out of my room to find my mum, sitting on the cold surface crying, and my dad, with his can of beer and his fag in his mouth. He slowly walked over to me and hit me around the face, I yelped in pain but he didn’t seem to care. He shouted at me to go to my room but I bravely said no. He hit me again but this time harder.
I started crying for the third time that night.
I got told to shut up by both of my parents. I could tell my mum didn’t want to say what she said, she has no choice otherwise my dad will start to beat her again. It was really shocking to see this happen. I ran to my room, slammed the door and held it so tight I fell to the floor. Nancy was so lucky she didn’t get any of this done to her. I could hear my dad’s footsteps towards the door. They stopped. I could hear my name being shouted repetitively. My dad finally shouted “Charlotte, get out here right this second or I will come in there and drag you out by your hair!” I didn’t listen to him; I went over to my window, opened it and hesitated. I said to myself, “Do you really want to do this?” I looked out and knew what I wanted. I wanted to get away, so I did it; I jumped. I was so glad my bedroom was on the ground floor.
I was so happy I was finally out of that horrendous place. I was lucky the train track was a few metres away from where I landed. I heard a big bang and realised it was my dad knocking my door down. I looked up to my window to find my dad looking down at me. He had the biggest smug smile spread across his face. I started to walk down the street and told myself not to look back. All I could think about was my mum, by this time she is going to be in so much pain. All because my dad will beat her because I have gone, it will be all her fault. That’s what he thought. He is going to start on Nancy now I’m not there. She didn’t get anything done to her when I was there but she will now.
It was cold and dark by the time I got into town. The moon glistened in the sky and the stars sparkled like diamonds. It was beautiful. The main thing going through my mind is what was happening in the dark gloomy place I called home. It was upsetting that I left my mum and Nancy in that terrible place with that evil man.
There were one or two lights on when I walked through the empty town. I read a paper in one of the windows, it read “closing down sale.” It looked as though most of the shops had this in the window. I never even got to shop because I was locked up in my room most of the time. I jumped as I heard the chime of the clock, it struck twelve times. This must mean it was midnight. I must have been walking for hours. It was getting extremely cold now and I didn’t know where to go. I was walking up and down the street before I decided to sit in one of the shops doorway. It really wasn’t comfortable but it was somewhere to sleep for a night. I finally had a silent night to sleep. The doorway was really grubby and it was a really tight place to be, but at least I could sleep without shouting.
I woke up in the morning to find people looking over me and asking questions. I stood up really surprised. I stretched and started collecting my stuff. A woman came over to me and asked if I was ok. I didn’t know what to say so I just walked away. I checked my pocket to see if I had any money, I would be amazed if I did. I found £2.50, I can finally eat something. I ran around town to find a place I could eat.
That morning I found a lovely coffee shop on the corner of Hallam Street. It had a cute little window with blue shutters. I brought a small coffee and a slice of chocolate cake. This left me with 20p to spare. I felt so lonely and just didn’t know what to do with myself. I sat in that coffee shop for hours and finally someone came over to me and asked if I would leave. I didn’t argue and walked out.
If I was at home right now I would be sat on my bed crying and slicing my wrist apart with my razor blade, but no instead I am walking around a stupid street feeling hungry and really upset. I decided to sit on the side of the road and just wait there.
After half an hour of sitting on the road side I spotted a girl around the same age as me. She was looking lost and had only a little carrier bag on her shoulder. I kept looking over at her and then finally she spotted me and started to walk over. “Hi, I am Sophie. I was just wondering if you had any spare change.” She asked me really politely.
“Sorry no I wish I did because I could do with some food myself.” I shared glumly wishing I had brought a razor blade instead of that stupid coffee and cake. I could be in some toilet cutting my wrists to make me feel better. Sophie decided to sit down next to me. I didn’t say anything at first but then we started up a conversation. “So, what are you doing on the streets on your own?” I asked.
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” She said as she started to cry.” I hate my life it is so horrible.” She stood up and started running away. I shouted her to come back but she never did. It was my one chance to not be alone but instead I ruin it, like I ruin everything. No wonder my dad did everything to me because I am a horrible teenage girl who doesn’t deserve anyone.
I started to wonder up the street to find a chemist. “I bet I could get a razor blade in here. That was if I had enough money.” I wondered back into the direction I came, sat back on the floor and started to cry. A lovely lady came over to me and asked if I was ok. Like all my reactions I said yes and she carried on walking.
If I ever saw that lady again today I would have thanked her for caring about me even though she knew nothing about me. She still asked if I was ok.
I started to walk towards the subway toilets; this was because I had found some sharp glass on the floor. I opened the cubicle door and shut it tightly so I could have to privacy to myself. I put down the toilet seat and sat on it. I took the sharp glass out from my pocket, rolled my sleeve up and started frantically at my arms. I watched the blood trickle down my arm, which made me feel better. I kept going and couldn’t stop. I found myself crying at this point. I heard someone coming into the toilets. I stood up, took loads of toilet roll and wrapped it around my arm. I turned around to the toilet handle and flushed the chain. I turned the lock on the door and realised the blood was oozing through my top. I went to the sink and washed my hands to make it look like I had gone to the toilet. I dried my hands on the manky toilet cloths and walked out. After all the excitement in the toilets I was hungry. I tried to ignore what I had just done but I couldn’t. The tissue that was wrapped around my arm was soaked in blood. I didn’t notice how deep I was going but obviously it was deep. I found shelter in the subway and sat down on the cold floor and decided to take a nap to take away the pain I had just caused.
I woke up to the sound of the trains wheels on the track, like every morning at home. My mum and sister were just on my mind and it didn’t stop bugging me. I looked up from where I was lying and saw a clock. I must have been asleep for hours because it said 9:30PM. I had only wanted to sleep for half an hour but instead it was more like 4hours. I just noticed the throbbing pain that was coming from my arm, it wasn’t good. I rolled up my sleeve and took the tissue of my deep wounds; at least it had stopped bleeding. I sat up and saw the girl from earlier. “Here you go, wrap it up with this.” She whispered whilst giving me bandages and some tape. She also handed over a sandwich.
“Thank you; this is just what I needed, a lovely sandwich and someone to sit with me so we can both have company.” She smiled at me and sat down in the horrible scanky doorway of the subway. She obviously hadn’t been homeless that long and neither had I seeing I had only been out on the streets for two days. “How long have you been on the streets then?” I asked hoping to get a response.
“This will be my third month. I still haven’t gotten used to it but I am getting there.” She turned her head towards me. “About earlier, I am sorry. I haven’t explained it to anyone and I don’t like thinking about it.
“It’s ok, don’t worry, I understand. I haven’t told anyone my problems. They think it is just some petty argument with the parents but trust me it’s harder than that.” I replied back with a stern voice. “Sorry this is me going on. I hope everything will get better for you.” I stood up and was going to walk away when Sophie replied with, “Don’t go, I need someone to talk to. Haven’t spoken to anyone since I left home. I have been so lonely and really scared that something will happen to me.”
“It’s ok Sophie, you will be fine. Ever since I saw you earlier that day I wish I didn’t scare you off like that. I was going to come after you but I thought that you would have wanted to be alone,” I said to her as I put my arm around her shoulder to comfort her, “I honestly hope that everything will go well for you.”
“Can I stay with you a little bit until I get my mind back together? I hope you don’t mind, I wont be in your way, will I?” she asked with a slight smile on her face.
“Yeah that would be great Sophie, I need some company myself.” I replied back. I nudged her with my shoulder and she started to laugh. I turned to face her to see her looking back at me. I knew straight away that I could trust her. We realised that it was getting late and we would have been kicked out if we didn’t move fast. They didn’t like homeless people hanging around. “I think we better leave Sophie, lets go somewhere a little bit quieter.”
We travelled for about an hour before we decided to sit in an all-night café. Sophie had been given some money from another homeless person she stayed with. It was able to get us two coffees and a sandwich each. We were really thankful when the waitress would let us stay there that night. This meant we didn’t have to sleep in a cold, damp doorway and instead we were in a lovely café where we could sit and talk.
“So, how old are you Sophie?” I asked politely hoping she wouldn’t mind.
“ I am going to be 16 in a few months time. It feels like a lifetime away but I guess I will have to cope with it. Everyone I walked past when I first became homeless looked at me probably thinking why is such a young girl on the streets,” she replied back with, “ How old are you? I don’t think I got your name, sorry.”
“Sorry, I should have told you my name when we first met. I am Charlotte. I have just turned 17 and I am dreading life ahead of me.” I said really apologetically. I didn’t know whether to tell her at first but I decided to. I had only known the girl for a few hours but she felt like the sister that I never had. My sister would never know what was going on at home, I bet she has a clue now. After all I have left and dad has no one to play his games with anymore. What had I done, I should never have left home. I should get everything done to me because I deserve it, she doesn’t, not my sister.
“Its fine Charlotte, I should have asked you before we got to know each other.” she said whilst smiling.
The time came when loads of people started flowing into the café and we looked really suspicious. We both decided we would leave the café and start trying to get some money from of the street. We sat down on the street and leaned on the wall. When we were on the floor we got so many different looks off all the people walking past. I still didn’t feel right after leaving home. I was a 17 year old female who thought she could handle her life. But that wasn’t true; I was dreading what was going to happen to me. What if my dad comes and looks for me and then starts to beat me and attack me like he did before I left. What was really going on at home? Was everyone ok?
Sophie and I were begging for money for hours and we had only got £3 together and all that could buy us was a not very nice coffee each. If we could find a Tesco then we would be able to get a meal deal and that should fill us up until tomorrow. We thought of wondering back to the café that we came from but then if the waitress was still in there it would look even more suspicious than before. We decided to walk around a bit just to get the feeling back in our legs. We walked around for hours window shopping, I was dreaming I had been able to go shopping with my mum when I was back at home because then I would have had nice cloths instead of the horrible granny cloths that my dad had brought me. The only luck I had with nice cloths are a pair of skinny jeans, a nice top with a white and blue pattern on, and the pair of shoes I most adore are my DM’s. They are absolutely gorgeous, they have a black bottom with a red shiny colour over the whole of the shoe. Also, they have black skull patterns on the top. I got these when my dad had gone away for the weekend. My mum asked me to promise her that I would not tell him because then we both would have been beaten. I hope everyone at home is ok.
That night we had a half full stomach and had a nice kip in a warm doorway. I think this was the best sleep that I have had whilst I have been on the street. When we woke up the sun was shining brightly, the puddles on the floor had the reflected sunlight glistening in them. It was a really beautiful morning and I suddenly felt glad that I wasn’t in my warm bed. “Good morning Sophie. How are you doing this morning?” I asked.
“Yeah, I am good. it’s a lovely morning, it’s the best thing I have seen in a long while.” she replied extremely cheerily. “I am glad I have you because if I hadn’t seen you around I wouldn’t be here right now. Thank you so much for being here for me. You are the only one who has actually cared for me for a very long time.”
“May I ask, why have you moved onto the streets?” I wondered. “I hope you don’t mind me asking.”
“I am sorry, don’t think I really want to talk about it.” she looked at me in despaired when she sad this. She rolled up her sleeve and showed me her scars and her fresh wounds. “This is all I think I should show you. I’m sorry, once I have got to know you a little bit more I will share the things I have been through. I can say that I have had a really hard life.”
“It’s ok Sophie. I know how you must feel. Obviously you saw what I did to myself on that dreadful night. I wish I never did it but it all built up again and I needed to get my anger out on something. I chose me.” I also showed her my previous scars and the recent ones that she already knew about. I knew I could trust her but I didn’t want to share anything from my past. What if my dad showed up? He would take me away and then I would never see Sophie again. I hated thinking that I would have to leave her like I had left my own family. I still thinking that everything that will happen is my fault. Everything seems to be my fault since I was younger. What if home life had changed? Maybe I could go back there and everything will be ok and I will finally get a normal life. Why did I have to be the way I am now.
We decided to get up from our warm spot and wonder around. Sophie went off for a little bit to meet someone that she knew. I guess she didn’t want me to go with her because she doesn’t really trust me that much. I checked in my pockets to see if I had any change left. I found 50p which might get me a sharpener from the shops. I walked around trying to find a shop that sold a sharpener. I was so happy that I had found one just as I was about to give up on myself. I have always been so good when it comes to breaking sharpeners because of how long I had been cutting before I had my failed attempt the other day.
I walked around to find a public toilet. Luckily there was one just around the corner and it looked like there was nobody in it. I walked in through the horrible entrance. I knew this wasn’t the cleanest place to cut myself but I had to get my anger out somehow. I walked into the cubicle and locked the door. I had a sudden rush of panic going through me. I didn’t know whether to do it or not but I knew I had to. I took out the sharpener from my pocket and looked at it for a brief second. I said to myself, “Why God, why did you have to put this fear and pain on me? What have I ever done to you?” I found a way to get the screw off the sharpener and it fell apart in my delicate hands. I froze. Rolled my sleeve up and looked at my recent cuts. I began to tear my skin with sharpener blade. I put the seat down over the toilet and began on my legs. I cut my arms and my legs, I then started on my stomach. I knew I couldn’t cope any more, what was happening to me. I was going mad all over myself, I didn’t realise I had this much pain to get loose. The pain was definitely excruciating. This wasn’t the physical pain, that disappeared after the first cut, but the inner terror I felt. But as I slashed at myself I felt the relief and comfort. All I could see was blood, it was everywhere. How was I going to hide this one. The redness before my eyes became brighter and brighter, the smell of blood got stronger and stronger, until the cubicle was spinning round and round… and then there was nothing.
I woke up with blood all over me and a paramedic standing over me saying words that I did not understand. I realised that I had a mask over my face, I pulled it off and screamed “where am I!?” The doctors and nurses were all around me. The room was spinning from all the excitement that I had caused. Why do I do this to myself. I could hear them asking ’where are her parents? What is she doing out on her own?’ I couldn’t help thinking if they found out my name then they would find my details and ring my dad. What would happen then, he would act as if everything is perfectly fine. I knew it wouldn’t be if I was found. Where was Sophie, I have betrayed her again. I should never have brought the sharpener because I wouldn’t be in this situation. There was a lot of beeping going on around me. Have I really lost that much blood. Why was I going at myself that furiously. I have ruined any chances of having a nice life with Sophie. She was the only one in the world that I trust.
The doctors finally sat me up to ask me questions. “So, what is your name then? We can ring your parents as soon as we know your details.” they spoke to me if they actually gave a shit but honestly I knew they didn’t. I was just another patient of theirs that they wanted to get rid of so they could have an extra be for someone who actually needs help.
“No, don’t ring my parents. I don’t want to see them, they will ruin my life. I will not tell you my name because I know you will just search me and ring them as soon as you know. All you need to do to me is patch me up and send me away.” I snapped at them as they adjusted the height of the bed. I saw so many bandages around the bed. I could still feel the blood oozing through. I don’t know why but this was starting to make me feel sick. By the time I knew it I had a sick pan on my lap and I was chucking my guts up. Why was my reaction like this? Did I loose that much blood in that tiny toilet cubicle?
I saw all of the bandages and that really shocked me. I have never gone that far before. I saw someone sitting on the chair next to the bed I was in. She looked as if she knew me and my situation, but I knew she didn’t. “What are you trying to do to yourself? Impersonate an Egyptian Mummy? She said.
I laughed at her, but it hurt, I had to stop.
The night before came back to me; I had really let rip when I was in that cubicle and now I was a painful, bloody mess. I still felt the sense of relief that it brought me. The women introduced herself as Dr. Maria Kingsley. She was someone I call a shrink. She wanted to talk to me about why I had done it to myself and why I didn’t want them to ring my parents. Silence came over me and I really didn’t want to talk to her. I was in pain, covered in bandages and I couldn’t be bothered to live any more. What else was there to say to her. I didn’t want to talk to her so she said to the doctors that they had wasted her time and she walked out in a huge strop. She was probably the worst person I had seen in a long time. I decided that I would discharge myself because they don’t have the right to keep my in here seeing as I am 17. As I stood up pain rushed around my whole body, I fell to the ground all most crying. I stood back up as best as I could. I grabbed all of my stuff I had and walked stiffly away from the hospital bed. The doctors tried to stop me walking out but it was my legal right to leave whenever I wanted to.