A haunting death03 Jan, 2014 12:03 AM
I never would have guessed that my best friend, the happiest and nicest looking guy i had ever met, was actually depressed and suicidal. When he would talk to me he would brighten my day and make me feel special and loved, something that no one else has ever been able to do. He helped me forget any problem I had. He even helped me with the worse break up of my life, where my ex mentally bullied and tormented me for months because I broke up with him, after he cheated on me with my best friend and turned all my friends against me after our previous breakups which always came from him because I wasn't following his every move like he wanted me to.
My best friend didn't live in the same country as I did but since his father was from here, he came to visit every chance he got. Even though we mostly talked online, he helped me through everything, he even helped me through my parents' separation which happened after my mother found out that my father had cheating on her on numerous occasions. After that my ex came back into my life and bullied me until my self esteem was at 0 and I became bulimic and anorexic. This amazing person that I called my best friend showed me what real beauty was. I admit I'm not the hottest person on earth but I am not ugly and my best friend made me understand that and my disorders disappeared. Then came Valentine's Day where we talked for hours and hours on Skype. We were talking about our dates and how we wanted them to be and I felt him being a bit distant. When I asked him about it he said it was nothing and that he was just thinking about a few things which he didn't feel ready to talk about yet. I forgot about his distance since it was something more or less common in teenagers. I didn't know that was going to be my last time hearing his voice. We hadn't talked in about a week when one of our mutual friends told me to check his Facebook wall. It was full of "RIP's" and messaged saying how much he will be missed by every one. At first I thought it was a late April Fools joke and I tried calling him but his phone was disconnected and the messages I sent him were never read. It took me 4 days to realize it wasn't a joke and that he was gone. My best friend was gone. He killed himself on the 6th of April 2013.
5 months later I made a new friend who was very into Marijuana. My original group and I started going out with him almost every day and he became part of our group. We started going to his house very often where we would meet local dealers and older drug addicts. The only drug I had ever tried before was Marijuana but as I never got over my best friend's death and my heart always felt like it was torn apart and the depression never left me, I decided I didn't care anymore and when things went around his room I started taking too but the problem was I wasn't only smoking anything they gave me, but also taking pills. Every once in a while they would offer some LSD or coke but that stuff I would always pass on but anything else I really didn't care. After about 2 weeks on drugs, we started going out with the druggies from our school which consisted of 3 guys. I started getting high every single time I saw them while my friends would lay off a bit because the effects scared them as it was a twisted kind of high, but I loved it. The more time I spent with these guys the more I started liking one of them. He was the one who was always relaxed no matter what drug he was on and I felt like he was putting a spell on me. I couldn't stop thinking about him so I kept trying to get closer to him through drugs. One day he was giving me pills in school, an antidepressant which lasts about 8 hours if not more depending on how many you take and one of my teachers (don't know who) saw me taking it. She called my parents on the weekend telling them I was dealing pills in school and my parents found the pills that I had bought the previous day. I was grounded for a month after admitting that I was taking them but not selling but the longer I stayed without drugs, the more I suffered. I stared going to a psychiatrist and doing physical activities which made me want the pills less and less.
I have now been ungrounded for a couple of weeks and there hasn't been a single day where I've been sober but I don't do pills anymore. Now it's either weed, hash or alcohol and I don't have feelings for the drug addict anymore which is a good step for me as I was getting more into drugs to get closer to him. There hasn't been a single day since my best friend's death where I haven't thought about him. He was like my brother, I loved him so much. After he died I became very suicidal and depressed and I even tried to cut myself but it didn't relieve any pain so I never did it again. I feel myself slowly healing and every once in a while, I'm happy so I guess I'm better off now then I was a month and a half ago when I was relying on chemical happiness. I'm still depressed and still suicidal at times, but I am a lot better now than before.