A Chance...31 Jul, 2010 12:32 AM
When I came back to school last year as a freshman in high school, I was greeted with many surprises. There were plenty of new faces and some old ones that had changed quite a bit since I last saw them.
Out of everyone else, his change shocked me the most. He was taller, his hair was longer, his glasses were absent, and his clothes, were admittedly, a lot less outdated. He seemed more eager to socialize and was a lot more approachable than he had been in middle school.
He, well... intrigued me. We started talking. We got to know each other. He got me addicted to hockey, and I got him to joke around, despite his usual uptight attitude. By December, he was my closest guy friend.
By December, he had also rocketed up to the very top of my recent infatuations. I had never saw any of my guy friends as romantic material before, but... he was an exception. I made it up in my mind that he was perfect for me. And because he was one of my best friends by this time, I knew him, I knew that we were so alike in so many ways, and I knew that I would be endlessly happy if he even had the slightest inkling of returning my feelings for him.
Of course, since I had never liked any of my guy friends before, I also didn't know how to handle myself. So, I kept my feelings for him as absolutely secret as I could. Who knows what could happen if I ever told him?
Of course, there was one confidant. She had been my best friend since 6th grade, and she had known about all of my previous crushes, so why not now? I told her about my daily encounters with him, and I allowed myself to gush over him around her. She always grinned playfully and told me how we'd be absolutely perfect for one another, and that someday, he would see that.
Then, the end of the first semester came and after winter break, we started new classes. He was no longer in any of mine. But, he was in her English class.
I was elated to learn that they were becoming friends as well. Then, maybe, she could perhaps sneak some information from him about his possible feelings about me!
I saw them together in the hallways often. I'd always smile and wave at them, calling out their names. And they'd wave and holler just as loudly, both grinning at me. After a while, they opted for a quiet "hi" and a smile before quickly returning to their conversation. A month after the new semester started, I'd only get an occasional glance up and a smile, for they were too engrossed in their own conversation to say anything to me.
I wasn't worried about how close they had gotten. She had been together with her boyfriend (who went to another school) for over a year now, and it was widely agreed in our circle of friends that they were just about the cutest couple to walk the earth. Besides, she knew how much I liked him. She knew how much I had worked to become close friends with him. Hell, she even knew that every time that I would get all dreamy eyed and giggly, it was all because of him.
Which was why I was absolutely speechless when he told me for the first time that he thought that he loved her. And that he was practically floating above the clouds, for alas, she had told him that she would love to go out with him. I had to listen to him tell me just how beautiful and amazing he thought she was, and how madly he had fell for her in a little under a month's time. I pretended to be happy for him and listened for four hours until he had to go eat dinner.
I was crushed. Self esteem ruined. Embarrassment at an all time high. It took me four months before I actually heard him refer to me as "best friend". It took her three weeks for her not only to replace me at the top of his friends list, but also to make him fall for her. Gee, way to take down my ego down a couple (dozen) notches.
She found out that he had told me about their "relationship". She avoided me like the plague for a few weeks. All the while, more drama ensued, as she announced that she would be breaking up with her boyfriend so that she may survey her "other options".
I deduced that she was avoiding me for fear that I would be furious with her. I wasn't. I just felt so embarrassed and disappointed that she could one-up me so magnificently. I wasn't going to give up on our friendship though. I was not going to let a boy come between us. I would be a good friend and let her have the guy without a fight.
So, we made up. I still felt awkward around her, but hey, whatever. They started dating.
That relationship, however, barely lasted a week before she went right back to her old boyfriend.
And by some convoluted mishap, he had deluded himself into thinking that the whole disaster was all his fault. I, still hopelessly crushing on him, was there for him, hoping that he'd see me as the light at the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of hope that hey, maybe he still had a chance with one girl... He didn't. For about a month, he lamented and ranted to me about his sorrows and his crushed dreams of where he hoped their relationship would go (I swear to God, the boy even mentioned wedding plans and kids to me). I shifted around awkwardly, listening silently, and patting him on the back when he was done.
It was an exhausting few months. During that time, I cried a lot more often than I'd like to admit. I cried for him, for all the sorrow he must be feeling at the time, but I mostly cried for me, for my own sorrows.
But in the end, everything really went back to the same. She was back and happy with her boyfriend, I was talking to both of them a lot more than at the beginning of the semester, and I was still fruitlessly and pointlessly devoting time to an unrequited infatuation.
Oh yes. It was definitely back to the same. About a week after it had all blown over, she patted me on the arm gently and said, "Oh, don't worry, hun! You still have a chance with him!"
I just sat there and gaped at her.