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My Life Story

Zak Keller

28 Jan, 2013 05:21 PM

My life never was too good or easy or what you have. When I was 4 years old I lived on long island, had friends that actually gave a crap about me. But it wasn't always sunshine, that was when I watched my mother be abused day after day. Then in less than a year me and my mom moved to Pennsylvania I was glad I never had to watch it again but I was so depressed coz I lost all my friends. I guess you can say I moved on but I still miss them.

After we moved here I joined school, it was kindergarten and I was starting to make friends. I was happy, but I didn't notice how cruel I was being to kids who were my friends. I would bully them and now I feel horrible but there's nothing I can do you know? In first grade I was put in this program called A.C.R.P. what that is, is a program for angry and troubled children from ages 5 to 17. I was in the angry category. So all that year I was kind of transitioning I guess you can say. From a bully to a nicer person. However it didn't matter what I did because people held me in my past. So most people avoided me except my very good friend Daniel. He made sure I keep my anger in check he was my best friend.

In second grade was when my Hell started. This kid Brandon moved to our school. I don't know why but he pick me to hate. Part of me felt I deserved it for what I did to others. But he never stopped he would pin my friends against me and just treat me horribly. It eventually got to the point where I would get off the bus crying my eyes out as I ran to my house. But the next year it got even worse.

Third grade now, I was still being bullied relentlessly. But I thought I could start to handle it. Then, Christmas day 2002 was the last time I ever saw my real father. My parents have been divorced since I was an infant. But he would visit every weekend. The first week he called and said he had to work so I didn't think too much of it, he promised he would get me the next weekend. He never showed up and never called that weekend. I lied to myself "maybe he didn't get a chance" but after the next week of no calls or visits I couldn't lie anymore. I knew what was happening I was too smart for my own good. So I did what any 8 year old would, I shut down and dreamed. It was at the point where if I heard the word "dad" I would break down.

But that was just the start of my depression. It got a lot worse the main thing between 4th and 5th grades was one morning on a Saturday I slept on the couch the night before, when I opened my eyes I could have swore I saw him sitting by my feet, he smiled I jumped at him to hug him but I fell through him. I just sat there and cried what else could I do? I was roughly 9. That memory always stays in my head.

In 6th grade I started wanting to date girls. I only had one crush her name was Bailey. I finally got the nerve to ask her out so I made a necklace for her. I gave it to her and asked her. She laughed in my face. I cried all night that night. I kinda stay to myself and really only talked to my friend Daniel. But that year alone I hurt him. I snapped for no reason and threw him across the room twice. I felt so bad I just ran out of the room. My only thought was "I just hurt my only friend" he still forgave me I will never understand why.

In 7th grade I was still being bullied by Brandon and it got so bad that my mom pulled me out and sent me to a christian school. In those years of 8th grade and half of 9th grade I realized my true anger and strength. I was in fights constantly. And half way through 9th grade I was expelled and I went back to my normal school. When I went back I kept getting girlfriends. But it wasn't what I thought. I was being dated for money I was cheated on cheated with used for personal gain and shot down more times than I can count. There were two good relationships I had in school one I was forced away by the military when I was trying to join. The other I completely messed up and now she's with my best friend Matt.

After all this my self esteem lowered drastically. I got to the point where I cut myself every night. One night I was going to end it all. I wrote the note had the knife to my throat but just as I was going to do it, my cell phone went off. It was Matt. The text said "I woke up with a bad feeling about you talk to me dude" so I talked from roughly 3:30 am until we went to school. That's why he is my best friend, because he saved my life. It made me realize that some one actually cares. No matter how mad I get at him I remember why we are friends and I'm instantly done being mad.

When I would cut I was in and out of the psych ward 5 times. The doctor at my last hospitalization told me if I am sent back again I'm being sent to an insane asylum. Knowing this makes me scared to ask for help when I need it most.

Right now I have stopped cutting I'm with a girl named Sami but every day she refuse to text me for hours at a time and tells me things that lead to me thinking she's cheating on me. My family makes it clear they don't care if I die. And I've lost most of my friends. The only reason I have friends is either pity or they are more lonely than me.

Don't get this story twisted it all truly happened to me but I'm am not saying I have the worst life possible I'm only saying my life was and is hard. Think what you will I just needed to say my story.

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Empty void says:
07 May, 2013 11:18 PM

I want to be your friend, no one has to go through all that pain, especially cutting yourself. Although we may be apart just think of everyone who cares for you and try fix up your friendships because you may forget to talk or hang out and the friendship may break. But remember no one is ever truly alone.

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Minnie says:
20 May, 2013 09:39 PM

Zak, i don't know who you are or where you are but i just want to tell you that I admire your strength and I want to tell you that you have a special purpose in this earth. Don't let stupid people like brandon get in the way of your bright light! And as for dating, i don't know what girls that you've been hanging out with but lemme tell you now the one for you is out there and she is going to love the crap out of you! Don't give up because of some low life brandon! Keep going on and i can promise you that you will eventually find peace.

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