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Pretend, Expectations, Apathy


06 Dec, 2012 03:00 PM

Each of these was too short to submit by itself, so here are the three as one story. Besides being written by the same person, they are not related to each other. They were meant to be read as individual pieces of writing, each telling a small piece of my life. I have more written, and I will upload them soon. I call them, all together, "Reflections"
Thanks for reading!

And so I left. After all the tears, after all the hours spent pouring out my life, it was over. We said goodbye lightly and quickly, all pretending not to understand. After each quick goodbye, though they smiled, their eyes told a different story. They knew, as I did, what this was. Goodbye - for good. I was going. And I knew what would happen. Like everyone else, I would be talked about for a while and remembered for longer, but life must go on. They would eventually forget, and I cried inside, knowing it would happen. But outside I smiled, and got in the car and drove away. And smiled. And got on the plane. And smiled. Now I'm gone. Oh God, why?

I'm not supposed to still be grieving. I'm supposed to be over it, to be living my life. How can I forget that quickly? But I must. I must be silent. I must pretend it doesn't matter. I can, but I can't betray them. I will remember, even if I must do it silently! I will not forget, though I must pretend I have. I have to keep it fake! I never want this to be real! What will I have left if I don't remember? Only emptiness. I cannot forget.

They're gone. I know it. I will never see them again. Never! Can you understand that? And I know it. I know it every day anew. And yet I must keep living, keep breathing, keep moving. How? It is too much to ask. I don't want to think, I don't want to decide, I don't want to feel. I just want to float along in the sea of life. I'm too tired to fight against the current. I just want to sleep. And you marvel at my apathy. You marvel! Are they supposed to mean nothing to me? How can I keep living? How?! How can you? But I must be silent. I must.

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