no matter what27 Apr, 2012 08:26 PM
The hardest thing on being a lesbian for me is not that I wouldn't be accepted among my peers or my society. But when I'm in love with my own best friend. My religious yet spoiled friend. Whom I used to hate because she annoyed me very much, so in order to keep her away, I terrorize her into fearing me. But then she reached out to me, became my best friend, and now I love her.
She knew I was gay, but she wasn't afraid of me because she believed, I wouldn't take advantage of my own friend, and so, I wouldn't love my own friend.
But then I realized I was lying, I loved her very much. I realized how much I loved when we were at the last year of high school. I tried my best to keep her by my side, to spend the last time we had together. If I couldn't bear the truth that we're going to separate, I cut myself, I wrote her name on my wall or my journal with my blood.
Now she kept on complaining about her life in college. I joked around with friends and said she's a weak girl on a harsh voice. Deep inside, I was hurt, I couldn't protect her and made her happy as I'd sworn. And she doesn't know that I should be the one that protect her, she chose to pour her pain and her secret into others. So many time I got struck by jealously. And yet I couldn't do anything about it. I just silent myself, secretly reading her blog and Facebook, just to know what was happening to her. I knew I wished her happiness, but I just couldn't take it when her happiness was brought by someone else. I'm a selfish lover.
Sometimes, I'm thinking about the future and seeing her one day being a bride. A lucky guy would hold her hand and walk on the altar, saying their vows. As I am losin the one that I love. I knew I would hate that guy so much, even now, I always try to make her avoid men so that I could have her. Yes, I'm a selfish bastard.
I knew telling her what I felt would be unpleasant for her. And I knew it would just make our relationship worse. So I'd rather hold my tongue although it hurt so much. But if it makes her happy, even if it kills me, I would smile. No matter what.