The Life I Won't Get Back.17 Feb, 2012 11:29 AM
I used to be the type of girl who wasn't popular but wasn't unpopular... Just average. I'd sit with classmates at lunch but wouldn't talk much. I guess I was socially awkward in a way. I had a few friends I would watch movies with and go out. Sometimes I could actually be myself around them. But one by one, they all had other friends and I was left alone. When I walked down the halls I would have my head downcast and ignore my surroundings. That was just middle school. Few weeks later my parents dropped a bomb. I'm moving out of Chicago Out To Orlando, Florida! I've heard stories of that place. Oh, I was terrified.
After sometime, I decided I would change my perspective. I dyed my hair from a lame blonde to a midnight black with multi-colored streaked in it. I got rid of my glasses and put on some contacts. I looked in the mirror and gasped! I forgot I had my grandmas Moon-Light blue eye's! Oh, I looked really pretty! It gave me confidence. As soon as I walked into that High School I instantly knew this wasn't for me and I would NEVER fit in. I shrunk. But soon a girl named Blaze found me and complimented my eye's and hair. The first time in YEARS I smiled. She asked for my schedule and smiled too! We had 4 classes together and the same lunch period! We became fast friends in that first month.
One day we were sitting in lunch talking about what movie we should see that weekend, when I saw him. Oh, he looked like a dark knight. His blue-black hair, his skin was creamy pale, his eye's were the most beautiful blue I've EVER seen. I wanted him right then and there. To be mine forever. To hold his hand, to gaze in his eye's day and night, to smile and feel secure, to kiss him and never want to let go. Problem was..... I didn't even know him! How could I feel this way and not even know his name?
Month's past and I surprisingly became very popular in that school. When I walked down the halls everyone smiled and greeted me. Some guy-friends ran up and hugged me. None, of course, was him... I has him in my first period and 6th period. I would sometimes see him looking at me in the strangest way. But then again, he did that to plenty of other girls too.
I had this guy-best friend, that I would hang out with all the time. People sometimes thought he dated. Sometimes I wondered if we ever would. But on a friday afternoon, another bomb was dropped. We were sitting near this lake we would always hangout by, under a tree. He was playing his guitar and I listened. He asked me during school to help him out with a song he was having trouble with, and of course I agreed. He painstaknly played the song and I loved it! Out of nowhere I started singing to it! He was surprised and had a glittered look in his eye's while I sang. His firey red hair swayed in the breeze and his green eye's sparkled as the song kept going. He took out his phone and recorded me singing so he could write down the lyrics later. The song ended and we both looked at each other and smiled. He put his guitar down and gave me a hug and a pat on the back. We started fooling around and he started chasing me around. I climbed the tree we were under. Out of nowhere, my foot slipped! I screamed as I hanged from a branch. Ray came under me and he told me to let go so he could catch me. I wasn't eager to jump but I trusted him. I let go and he caught me. He smiled as I was cradled in his arms, and started laughing because I had twigs and leaves in my hair. I playfully started to wrestle with him and before you knew it, we were on the ground with me on top... Our lip's very close. I was shocked and I didn't move. He still had that glitter in his eye's and we waited. I didn't know what to do! He wasn't the guy I wanted but I guess I did like him... He raised his head and kissed me! Oh, his lips were soft and as I kissed him back it seemed perfect! We kept on kissing and soon it got pretty heated. My hands were in his hair and neck. His hangs were on my back and in my shirt. I loved the way he played his hands over my body. Never really intrugent. Soon we stopped. Smiled. And laughed. We held hands and left the lake to go home.
........ What I didn't know, was that the guy I liked saw the whole thing...
Me and Ray became boyfriend and girlfriend. Though there were times that I felt what we were doing was wrong. Very wrong. But I also felt stupidly in love with him. He treated me like the love of his life. Sadly, I couldn't do the same. I still felt feelings toward the guy. But, I STILL didn't know his name. I asked blaze and she said "THAT GUY?! Man, you have Ray! Ray, bro! You shouldn't worry about a guy who is such a loner.", yet I felt as though I'm walking in a dream each time I pass him in the halls. When attendance was called in first period, I NEVER caught his name. Not even when I listened closely. I never heard a "Here." From him...
One night, I was out at the movies with Ray, Blaze and her boyfriend; Jay, Ashlee And Kevviin (His name is ACTUALLY spelled like that!). We were watching this new horror movie and I was cuddled next to Ray when Blaze asked me to go to the Restroom with her. I agreed and gave Ray a kiss of the cheek and left. I didn't really have to go, so I waited for Blaze while she went. I decided to get a bottle of water and as I payed and walked away I noticed him! He seemed to notice me to and walked over. I stood there, acting tough for not reason, but i trembled inside, knowing the feelings I had for him. He walked up and stopped a few inched away. "Hey.." he said. "Hi.." I said, "What you doing here?" I asked. He smiled, "Going to watch a movie. What else?" He laughed. I blushed, feeling stupid. Out of nowhere, he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me close. I didn't know what to do! I froze, a surprised expression on my face. He whispered in my ear, "I want you to know that I've been watching you for ever a year. Your very beautiful, and I want you bad.." He kissed behind my ear and neck. I was liking what he did and soon his lips found mine and we kissed passionately, until I finally came to my senses and pushed myself away. My heart was pounding. I couldn't catch my breath. I still felt when our tounges met and the way his lips felt against mine. "I-I don't even know you!" I stammered, "Why would you do that?! I HAVE a boyfriend!". He smiled, "My dear Catiana, do neglect the fact of how you looked at me this past year. The way you eye's expressed the way you felt when I walk by you. Truly, I was devastated when you kissed with that guy A few months ago... You didn't even know I was there... Wacthing you.." I couldn't believe it! How can he have known all of this?! What was I to do? He isn't acting the way I thought he would! It's all wrong! Blaze called me from across the theater, her eye's narrowing towards us.
A disapproving look on her face. I looked back at him, "What's your name?" I asked. He gave me a hurt look, "Miissael.." He said. I gave a hesitant nod and scurried away. Me and Blaze rushed back to the theater and I bounced back into Ray's arms, feeling secure and safe, as he kissed my forehead.
Weeks passed, and I haven't seen Miissael at school. Ray truly loved me, and after the experience with Miissael, I was now in love with Ray! But my happiness was cut short when, yet, another bomb was dropped. On June 17, 2011, Ray was coming over to my house to celebrate my father's birthday with my family. It was raining all day and he had called a few hours ago that he was almost done with his work and was going to leave soon, I told him to be very careful and that I loved him. Around 8:30pm a police car drove up our driveway. I felt a knife go through my heart as I opened the door. The cop informed us that Ray had a deadly accident on the highway and was critical. I guess I fainted and when I woke up, my family was already at the hospital. I was allowed 15 minutes with Ray. I cried, oh how I cried. He stroked my hair as I sobbed on his chest. He whispered his favorite moments with me, our kisses, our laughs. It all made me cry even harder. He put a finger to my lips and asked me to sing our song we made together for him. I didn't have the strength to do so, but I did. I quivered as I sang to him. He smiled when I was done and kissed me, long and passionately. He stroked my back when the doctor told me I had to leave. I gave him a kiss and left with tears in my eye's. At home, I couldn't sleep. I paced back and forth. It was 6 am when the doorbell rang. I answered it, and sure enough, Miissael was standing there. I was surprised! How did he know I lived here? He walked in without me telling him to and said, "I came to help you forget Ray. Come here and let yourself forget." He ruthlessly grabbed me by the waist and kissed me! I tried to get away, but he was too strong. My parents were at still at hospital with Ray's parents, so it was useless to scream. I bite him lip hard and ran to my room. He screamed and chased after me. I tried to lock the door but he pushed it open and slammed me against the wall. "Stop acting like a baby and let me help you forget!" He yelled. He was on top of me and his lip was bleeding, I was trapped! I tried to fight him off but he was still too strong. He started kissing me again and I had no strength to bite him again. He kissed my neck and lips, while his hand were unbuttoning my shirt. I tried screaming but he had my panting. Finally, with all my strength, I kneed him. He screamed and fell off of me. I yanked my shirt back on and ran. Before I could grab the phone to call 911, he ran out the door. His hand holding his groin.
June 21, 2011; Ray's Funeral. The day I felt more alone than in middle school. The love of my life, gone. To be buried in the ground and me sobbing on the freshly dugged earth.
Senior Year; April 23 would have been me and Ray's 3rd year together. But he has been gone for months. To this day, I still sit in the spot where we first kissed. Listening for the sound of his guitar. I have pressed charges against Miissael and he is not allowed 25 feet near me.
I feel alone. I talk to no one now. Not Blaze. Not Ashlee. Not Anyone. My life was meant to be next to Ray. But now, my life has no meaning at all. If only I have realized what Ray would have meant to me sooner. It's my fault he died. I should have left him work and not come to the birthday. But now, I hope to see Ray soon. So that I could sing for him once more. To him, not his grave.