The day the world was snatched away from me16 Dec, 2011 03:16 PM
Like every human being I had crushes but the time when it got serious was when I was in secondary school, I had a massive crush on some boy called Allwyn. I only knew him through photos that M (from Ilford Ursuline High School) showed me. I remember the first time I saw him was when my best friend was showing me pictures of the guy she liked and when I was looking through the photo, he was the one that my eyes fell on out of the many boys there-it was taken during the summer so he was tanned and looked like a Tamil boy, I thought he was a Tamil boy so I asked my best friend who he was and she told me he was from Goa and he was a mate of her sister. We left it there but I couldn?t stop thinking about him and even though I only saw that picture for a few minutes so I didn?t remember the face properly-it was a blur but he never left my mind. I thought of him every day but at that time it wasn?t anything serious and I didn?t take it as a big deal. Later on, I saw more pictures because she was obsessed with Aylbritch while I was eager to look at the pictures to see Allwyn. Days later she found it fishy when I asked her questions about him and she started to tease me but I didn?t even think that far so I didn?t think about what she said deeply but one day she told me how I have a crush on him-that?s when it hit me that yes I did have a crush on him and how dumb I was not to know that before. She would tease me about him and I would tease her about her crush and that?s how it was, that was fine by me. Something else happened which set my mind up about him, that was that my friends sister was leaving school on that year so we had to write on her book and I did but Minette made me add a little bit at the end, so I wrote it down how she would have to invite Allwyn if we are going Alton Towers on that same summer. I didn?t take it heartedly and I wrote that as a little joke because she knew about us two as well. Then later on I spoke to him on the phone and yes he knew I liked him too and he spoke and we were about to meet-that was when I heard her went out with a girl and that he was a player.
I was so sad that I did the stupidest thing ever- I cut myself on my hand with his name. I was a chicken and just a week before that, my friend who was younger than me called V did that, I thought I should do that too and I did but it took me long because I am the type of girl who doesn?t like pain, I would cry for a paper cut so I was surprised that I managed to have his name cut by a compass. I even took a picture of that and I had it on my old Samsung phone too. My friend V and D saw it too and they then decided something and they said that I should meet someone called something-the reason why I can?t remember the name is because it was a long name and at that time I wasn?t listening properly.
And so she introduced us and we started to talk on Facebook but before that I had a sneaky look at how he looks like and I thought he don?t look. When we started to talk to each other I wouldn?t and couldn?t stop talking about him to my friends in school and in the end they told him straight. End of November and beginning of December we started to talk to each other and he asked me to come to his birthday party on the 3rd January but I was too scared so I said no, then we met one heavy snowy day-that was the 1st heavy snowy day we had in UK so we had half day in school and he didn?t have school either so he came to see me and V.
We were at the end of Mooreland Rd and he was walking it from the other end all in black while the snow was still coming down fast, he was the only thing in black and the background was white-proper untouched snow (because there was constant snowing), he came and I couldn?t stop smiling inside and when he came to us the 1st thing he said was ?wow didn?t know you were that small? ?not even a ?hay?. Loll I wasn?t even at him at all. I like to be unique so that was really something no-one normally would just say so I was happy. I said thanks and I looked past him and I saw the familiar car and the car stopped. I got so scared that I swore and he had to cross the road quickly and pretend that he was walking and I had to say bye to V and cross the road but walk the opposite way. Like everyone I tried to walk straight knowing that he was looking at me. After that short but great visit I was always talking to him and all my friends would get so bored that they actually gave up and told him how I liked him. I didn?t know this but he did and he never asked me out until the 9th February 2010. He was wearing red t-shirt with a white hoody top with the front zip up. I was with archeni when he came and here again I was on the top end of Mooreland rd while he was at the bottom of it coming towards me-he looked so much like Andrew there that A said she didn?t want to come just in case so it was just me and him and we walked and met in front of the school. Then he walked me home and on the way he asked me out, I was so shy that I didn?t say anything and that made him tell me ?dw tell me ineh if you like me coz I do as well? so I said yes and that?s the day I got to hold the whole world in my hand.
I remember the first time he kissed me, he asked me to kiss him but I was new to this all so I didn?t know even know how to so I said no and I had a shy look on my face, then he tried to kiss me and I remember exactly the spot even now after so long. There would be some days when we would just stand there on the street while he waited for my kiss which I never gave him because I chickened out at that time, there would be a police man walking by and he would ask me if I was ok thinking that he was trying to rape me. We would laugh on msn over that and we always did-never forgetting it. on the 7th April he wanted to take me out as my early birthday treat as my birthday was on the 29th but I couldn?t come out because we had GCSE exam on that month-so we went out to Romford and spent 2 hours trying to figure out what to do and in the end they made me choose a movie to watch and the only movie there was was Nanny McPhee, we were 16 years old, we were all shocked about it but at the end of the day we all enjoyed it and I had a new nickname for him and it was that little elephant in that movie-he was as cute as that cute elephant and he was fat so the description fit perfectly and he let me call him that too.
the days passed with us being so happy but around May or June while I was going through his Facebook inbox I saw him flirting with this other girl from another school, I was so hurt that I actually couldn?t believe he would do anything like that so I called him, he was with his mates and they kept on making dirty sex noises in the background and when he was talking to me there was a laugh in his voice and that pissed me off even more and I didn?t not like the way he acted so I just cut the phone and after that I wouldn?t talk to him properly and in the end I think he gave up because he told my friend M to come down somewhere where we can talk about this and sort it out but I just couldn?t face him so in the end we broke up through Facebook and we left it like that, we were friends though.
I went back to my home town Sri Lanka for a whole two month and I couldn?t wait to go so that I could take my mind of him, I went there and I enjoyed the time. I remember that while I was there I tried to find a cute guy but there was no-one that replaced the boy I once loved. Then one day we all as a big family we went to watch a movie and on the movie there was a scene of a song were the boy and the girl would hang about and mess about and when he asks for a kiss the actress says no and he comes close to try and kiss her and the girl would escape through the gap in the arm and then the man would be sad and she would try to get him to get off from that branch but he wouldn?t budge so she would give him a peck on the cheek and then he would smile and swing his arm around her-when that bit came I was crying but I didn?t know why and then after long that?s when it hit me how much I missed him.
After the holidays I came back a bit too late so I didn?t get any place in my school for a sixth form so I had to go around looking for a new college and in the end I had to have a list of all the schools to call up and on that list was his school as well but no matter what I always skipped his school and called every other places-they were all full and there wasn?t a single school that was available, then one day my mum told me to call Caterham H.School whish was his school but I tried to make excuses but she wouldn?t hear any of them. In the end I did call them but there was no-one in reception and it has been said to email the school, so that?s what I had to do, straight away the next day I received a reply back saying how I have been accepted and would have to come in school that following Monday to school to start straight away-no id needed-just my GCSE results and a parent to sign a form. I didn?t know anyone in that school except him and I was obviously on my own because he wouldn?t come and be my physical friend even though we are still friends on Facebook.
I really didn?t want to go to that school at all and even if that was the last school in this planet I wouldn?t have gone but obviously my parents didn?t know the relationship I had so I couldn?t tell them the real reason why I didn?t want to go to that school so I just bit my lips and went. After signing all the papers I went to the board to check what form I was in and the 1st name that I saw out of the 15 or something people was his name. He was in my form as well! I couldn?t believe it and I even asked god to kill me at that moment-no matter what I had to go in and I didn?t, to make it worse I was late with filling in the form so I had to walk in while the teacher was talking to the class. I stood there but didn?t not look up and found an empty seat and sat. Then I heard my name being whispered so I looked that way and saw a Asian boy asking another Asian boy if that was me, the boy next to him nodded, the boy that asked couldn?t believe it because his mouth was open, I looked closely at that boy that just nodded to see if I knew him then I recognised him after 3 month-it was him! I couldn?t believe my eyes; I felt I if my heart was beating for a hot guy all over again.
I made a vow not to talk to him or even look at him for the rest of the day which didn?t go as planned because while we had to wait in a queue to get out photo done I was standing at the back of the line when my surname starts with J-his surname was S so he was standing at the back of the queue near me so he called out that I should stand near the front in the alphabetical order, it didn?t cross my mind that he still knew my surname even though I would have only told him that once or twice while we went out. On that day I made new friends and I was hanging out with them -for lunch register we had to go back to the form room and this time that I made a new Tamil friend she chose to sit right behind him and while we were having a conversation he turned back to see who it was and was surprised that I made friends with someone that was in his class since year 7 so he asked if we were friends and I told him yes and she looked confused and asked me if I knew him before, I tried not to show any reaction and I don?t even remember what I said, that new friend of mine didn?t know that we used to go out before but in the end we were all mates and she did find out and even though I didn?t know she spoke to me about him and she saw my reactions and in the end she told him all my reaction and how I cried once as well.
This got him to ask me out again but I was determined when I came to school that I would only work well and never go out with anyone and no more boys no matter what so that?s what I told him but he said that I would still be able to do work while we went out but I said no. When I went back to my friends I was shaking really badly and I couldn?t even breathe properly. There tried to hold on to me and tell me that it was ok but I couldn?t hear any of their voices because I was shaking as if I was cold. He had to ask me out three times before I said yes, when we went out again we started talking and then he told me how he still loved me after I broke up with him and I started to think back that even though I broke up with him, all the reaction I had with the movie and the first time I saw him and even when I rejected him the first time round that yes maybe I still did have the feelings but it was all hidden from the anger that I had towards him. So we used the little break up as a break and we got back into the relationship. That break we had bought us close-even closer than before and closer than we would have imagined. Our relationship lasted a year but obviously we had arguments and fights-there were lots of upside downs. E.g. one time his mom found out we were going out and she went to find out if m a good girl and apparently there was a rumour that I went out with white boys when I was in my secondary school- that school was an all girls school and I didn?t even know any boys let alone any white boys so I was so shocked that all I could do was cry. He told me that it was all not true and not to worry because it was lady who never liked my family that wanted to ruin my reputation, so that lady had a good chance and started that rumour, so his mom told him not to talk to me at all and he broke up with me because of this and how he didn?t want to go against his mum?s word.
I was so upset that I was crying really badly and people spoke to him and told him clearly that he shouldn?t break up with me just because of his mum because his mum is not the one that would marry me. After that he took me back and we got on with our relationship. A year went and on the same month; In the end he told me over msn how he didn?t have any feelings for me-at first I thought he meant that he wanted a break from the relationship so in tears I typed back how long he wanted the break for but he said ?oh m sorry if you thought it was a break, it?s not a break...hard to explain, let me see you? but he never came up to see me, he went home and he just broke it off on msn how he doesn?t have any feelings towards me and that all went away and from now on his boys are his life and how he won?t go into a relationship unless his mum approves her (she never liked because of the rumour and because I was Christian and I was the wrong class while they were from a high status and they were Hindu) so I left it there but I would beg him in every way I can to get in the relationship- I tried to talk to him in school but in the end he was just hiding from me and I tried through text and I tried getting my friend to talk to him. The thing that I didn?t realise is that the more I begged the more he pushed me away.
Later on I heard he went out with a girl and I went mad that I didn?t even know what I was saying but I didn?t just walk away-I asked him and then cussed him, the girl, his family and I told him that he won?t even last long with that player and I walked off, he told me how she was his girl now and not me and that, that girl had a better personality then me. A week later I hear that they broke up. I should have been happy but idk I had mixed emotion. Now I still see him-even though we are meant to be in the same year I failed my first year in 6th form so m reciting. You might be able to guess the reason why failed-I just couldn?t even bother to revise. I didn?t care about nothing in this world-all I wanted was him but I never could and no matter how much I tried I knew that I was just going to be dreaming if I thought of him accepting to my pleas and begs.
In the end I thought of just acting cool and to show people that I didn?t care about him and that I was moving on but every 17th of the month I would cry for no reason and then at the end of the day I would realise it?s because I missed him. That?s when I realised that we must have broken up on the 17th but I have also been told that it is my fault for the break up because I didn?t treat him like a boyfriend.
It has been 10 month since we broke up and till this very day I cry in my sleep, I have nightmares where he swears at me and gives me dirty looks and tells me to go and die. I wake up with wet eyes and I would sweat in this winter time. I just don?t know what to do with my life anymore. The reason why I write this story is because I don?t want it to die away in me, I can?t talk to anyone about it because they all tell me I don?t deserve someone like him straight away. I think I would go mental without talking to someone about this because when I?ve been told it?s my fault since then I have this big guiltiness and I just don?t know how to ask for his forgiveness and I know I can never ask for his forgiveness because we would never talk to each other. The thought of dying without asking for sorry is just unbearable-more than the thought of me dying single.
All I can say to people out there. No matter what never EVER let go of your true loved ones, you would regret it till the very last day on this earth just like me.
(Please bear in mind that all these month are a blur to me at the moment so I am writing this from a memory and this is not the whole story)