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I Think I'm In Love

Alexis Cilla

11 Nov, 2017 12:40 AM

It was my first year in high school; a couple months after my first break up. It was painful, after realizing that it was all just a lie. But I was doing fine. In fact, I was doing great; I had all the supportive friends I needed, the best family and I had a dream, a future planned ahead of me. I wasn't the type to drool over a boy and cry for months. I didn't have crushes either. Mainly because all my real boy experiences we're horrible; being sexually harassed. I was tired and I didn't want to look for anyone willing to hurt me again. But little did I know that meeting him and his friends, would change my life forever.

There was a boy, he was a sophomore and I was only a freshman, his name was Sid. Little fact, he was my best friend's cousin. He messaged me one night and we talked for days then it became weeks. Somehow, after all the terrible experiences i've had with guys, I trusted him. And I don't know why. Though, even when I had trusted him and feelings did develop, I couldn't date him. My other friend was in love with him, for years. And I didn't want to be the girl who ruins everything. So I stopped. And I went on with my life.

Second quarter finally came and a bunch of boys messaged me. You wouldn't believe who. It was... Sid's friends. It turns out, that they thought I was cute. So they flirted and I flirted back. Hold up! Don't judge yet! I knew from the start, that they were just playing, I knew that it was all just a game, so I didn't care. Now days, its expected to play with each others feelings. I had flirted back only to protect myself from getting hurt because I knew that if I fell for their sweet words and charming looks, I would have another heartache, the one thing I was so afraid of. Still, its not an excuse.... I'm sorry.

Then one day, two boys messaged me. Their names were Larry and Derek they're best friends . To cut it off short, I had feelings for both of them. Trust me, it was never my plan. I had liked Larry from the start because he was fun, cuter than the other and he seemed real but he moved to quick and I didn't like it. I was hoping that this relationship would be different from the others that I've had. BUT something was off.... I liked Derek, what I felt for him was different and I couldn't explain it. Knowing me, I hate complicated. So I ignored my feelings for him and continued with Larry. Later, I realized... Larry wasn't they guy I thought he was. Its sad that I had to find out, the hard way.

Months have passed and Larry was no longer on my mind. Derek however was always there, in the back of my head. For three years until now, since that day, he was always in my head. I thought about him every now and then. And It killed me every single day of my life. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to go back to him. But I couldn't. I had a thing with his best friends, I flirted with his other friends and I rejected him repeatedly for Larry. Tell me, would you still have told him after everything? I didn't admit it because I was afraid. It was because, he finally looked happy after what I did, I cant destroy it for my own happiness. Since that day, my heart was filled with regrets and I wanted to just apologize for all the things I've done.

A year passed, and hes still there in my head. I had to train myself to let go and forget about him because there was no chance at all. But so many people kept saying that he still likes me. I didn't know what to believe. I thought people were joking around because they knew I liked him a lot, so of course, I didn't take it serious. Deep down I wanted to like him back. A month later, I began to forget about him...

Finally, it was the last day for seniors, for him. I was absent on that day because I was sick. But I had came back to school and I felt uneasy. So many thoughts were running through my mind. I realized, I wont be passing by him to class anymore, or the fact that i'll never see him again. I mean what are the chances we would bump into each other? we live in two different worlds. My whole day was dead and I just had to admit that I missed him even more. I had came home and I finally cried. It was painful. So painful that I would do anything to turn back time and change the choices i've made.

I mean honestly... how could I miss someone soooo much and not even have a relationship with him. How can I like someone sooooo much and not even know a single thing about him. How could I go on my whole years of high school, thinking of a guy that has no absolute connection with me at all. How could I possibly get hurt soooooooooooooo much from him doing nothing? Its crazy. I thought I was going crazy. People kept telling me that I was in love with him. But I never believed in love, never. Then one day I realized... I think i'm in love. How is it even possible tho? I dont know. I dont. I guess its true. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. And I guess this was one.

Tags: Love, Missing
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kate says:
06 Jan, 2018 07:27 PM

yes, you were in love. it's possible for someone to break your heart even though you didn't have a relationship or connection with the person. I've been through it and I know what it feels like. I still think about the person but I'm gradually trying to forget him so that I can live well and also be happy. we all deserve that happiness and trust me it's in life for free but sometimes we just look in the wrong places. xoxo

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kate says:
06 Jan, 2018 07:28 PM

yes, you were in love. it's possible for someone to break your heart even though you didn't have a relationship or connection with the person. I've been through it and I know what it feels like. I still think about the person but I'm gradually trying to forget him so that I can live well and also be happy. we all deserve that happiness and trust me it's in life for free but sometimes we just look in the wrong places. xoxo

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