It's not the same29 Sep, 2016 06:21 AM
This is just some sap story of how my social anxiety gets (and still has) the better of me, and has kept me from things. Sorry if it's weird or off, I'm not a good writer, I just need to get my emotions out somewhere.
It was 7th grade, first day, I had none of my friends in my classes so far. As I walk into my next class (gym) I sit down and wait to see if I see anyone I knew. No one. This one girl walks in and my little 12 year old self instantly fell in love. She was beautiful. Even more so now. She had sat next to me and introduced herself, and said she had no friends in her classes, and that she was a 7th grader too. My heart was racing. We stuck by each other that class, and it turns out we had the same lunch (my school had 3 lunches). All of my friends were there at lunch, so I sat by them, but before I could ask if she wanted to eat with us, she was gone. I watched her walk off to her friends and I sat down. "Ooooooo who's that? You can't already have a GIRLFRIEND on the first day?". Now keep in mind, I have horrible social anxiety, so this stuff is hard for me. "N-no, I just met her last class period. We both had no friends in that class so we had talked to eachother." After lunch, I had went to my next class, choir. Turns out, she was in that class too. I got really excited but had to sit in the men's section. Choir is where we really became friends. I had such a huge crush on her by the end of the year, and we were good friends by then too, but I didn't want to tell her, for fear of ruining the friendship.
8th grade: I had 1 class with her. 1st period. When I walked in, she hugged me. I was like "whoa woah woah what", but I just hugged her back. Our friendship took off that year. I had liked her the whole year, but I had no idea she felt the same way. She had dated other guys, and I was very jealous each time. Every time I saw them, stress just started to build. I told her how I felt at the end of the year. She told me that she felt the same way. We talked all night.
We became really close. She told me everything. I told her everything.
9th grade: I had become a little bit more open, but my social anxiety still had the best of me and I couldn't get the courage to ask her out. We just remained friends. With hugs goodbye and long talks on the phone after school. I loved every second I had with her. Half way through 9th grade, I see her holding hands with my friend and I take a double take. He knew I liked her, why was he doing this? He put his arm around her, and she leaned on him. I felt heart broken. Every moment there was stress and held back emotions. I was a wreck. I hated myself. Why can't I be normal? Why can't my brain just not overthink every single moment of my life? Why?
They broke up. She came to me, very sad. I was there for her. On the last day, she hugged me goodbye. We hadn't hugged each other in a while, and it felt good to hug someone again. We talked everyday over the summer. Until I had become very busy with work. We started to drift apart. Then I get a text from a friend of hers.
"Gabby just got in a big car crash, she's being taken to the hospital right now"
My heart skipped a beat. I freaked out. I cared so much for this girl. I had no way to contact her, till her number texted me.
I was scared to ask.. But I did.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm okay. I'm in the hospital right now. The nurse is bringing me my pain medicine and sleeping pills"
Oh thanks god she was okay. A wave of relief went over my body.
All that happened over the summer was "I miss you" texts.
10th grade: We met up at the front of the school, no hug. Just an Akward hi. We check if we have any classes together. 1. Both lunches too. But I never see her. Not at lunch. She's not the same she was. I still have major feelings for her. But she's found someone else. I am very jealous, but I'm not going to do anything with it. I care about her. I just want her to be happy. But I missed my chance to be the one to bring that happiness into her life like she does mine. I'll will be forever angry at myself for that. But hey, we have 2 more years, maybe I'll get around this "social anxiety" bullshit and finally ask her out.
I still wonder if she has even the tiniest bit of feels for me, but probably not. Why now, after 2 years of nothing?
But for now, I'm locked in a mental jail cell. I haven't found the key to get out. But I'll find it one day.
thanks for reading. I know this story probably made no sense, but I just needed to get this "story" out there. I know most of you will probably say "man up" but it's not as easy as that. Thanks for reading.