Why do I love so much?19 Mar, 2015 05:02 AM
It hurts. Every time I look at her it hurts. I fell in love with her from the very beginning.
We first met at a job when I got hired. I saw her and my heart stopped. She ignored me of course. But slowly I started bring up crazy stories about my past and she got interested and laughed a lot with me. We got close to the point of being great friends. But I knew my feelings for her were strong. I've been on dates but I've never fallen in love before. When I was with her it was like I wasn't falling for her it was as if I was flying while being with her or talking to her. One day she started moving in on me and I told her that if she did that then I would fall hard for her. But one fateful night we kissed in my car at the park. She was nervous because I had taken her first kiss. After awhile we did everything with each other. We were there for each other when things got tough. I gave her everything. I know that money doesn't buy happiness but I got her what she wanted even if it cost me my last penny. I showed her so much love. All I wanted all I ever wanted from life and her was love. I didn't want anything else. I knew she had bills to pay and I told her she didn't have to get me anything. She did come up short most of the time for special days. But it didn't matter. I always tried to go all out. She loves me but not like how I love her. I always had a mind set to put others before myself because they could have it worse and I needed to suck it up. Since she is almost rarely romantic with me I thought that's what I deserved. I always texted her, gave her kisses, did things that she didn't want to do, got her things that she wanted even though we said I didn't have to but she really did want it, and even adopted a puppy so that "we" could have it. The puppy stays at my place so I take care of it. It's hard to not give someone you love everything in the world.
One day a guy who use to like her starts talking to her even though she has no interest (or so I though). He is going into the army so I didn't think much of it. But things started changing. I didn't know if it was because we were at the point of the relationship that we were comfortable with each other or we were getting distant. I stayed the same but she started not wanted to make love anymore or show any type of romance towards me. I was getting jealous because that other guy kept texting her while I was with her. I told her after a month or two after they started texting even though she said in the beginning nothing would happen that I was uncomfortable with them texting so much. She stopped talking to him for a week. You guys are probably wondering why hasn't she told him that she was in a relationship? Well the answer to that is because I am a girl and she didn't want anyone to know we were dating because she likes to portray herself to everyone but me that she is straight as an arrow. Anyway after a week we were hanging out and she told me that she has to talk to him because he is her friend and that she felt bad because he kept texting her everyday. He started to get distant but I told her it's okay to text him back because she told me that she loves me. The thing is at this point she doesn't even text me a lot but when I see her text to him it's more than just a few words. I only get a few words. She is flirting with him through text and it bothers the crap out of me. I said this to her I gave her the option to leave me for him 3 times and she said no because she loves me. If she loved me then why is she doing this to me why does it feel like cruel punishment? All I did was show love and all I wanted was love in return. It hurts to look at her because I already know that the truth is that she will never love me the way I love her. He is leaving in a week for training so they can't talk but that gave them a reason to go have dinner together before he left. He confessed to her 3 times and a day ago he asked her "if I wasn't leaving would you have dated me?" And she said "maybe" when I read that it broke my heart. I wanted to die and end my life because through out my life I was always rejected by family and society. I was never allowed to be loved. I will never be loved because I am different, fat(even though I'm average on body weight), ugly(because I don't wear a lot of makeup). I've learned at a young age that no matter how much you give do not expect things in return. Guess that goes with love as well. I'll bury my heartache into the chest of depression in my head so I will always pull a fake smile that no one will see through. I tried to be happy but it wasn't meant to be. She tortures me with this other guy. But I'm always the bad guy. I can't leave her though because she is still fragile. My heart has been cut out from my body and my tears can no longer shed. I have lost the very thing that I truely believed in all things to be the meaning of life which is love.
"The greatest thing is to love and be loved in return"