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This is My story

Courtney.

24 Aug, 2010 07:21 PM

I was young, believing in possibilities that were always impossible from the start, that's what happens when you're young; you dream. I always was in love with dragons, everything had to be dragons. From clothes to pictures, to notebooks and books and bags. I was drawing pictures of dragons, writing stories about dragons, fascinated with the thought of seeing movies with them in it. But I was 10, what'd you expect? I started having these dreams in my head whenever I was awake. I had them everyday, it wasn't on purpose to pass time, it just happened. Those dreams became brutal when I was 12, my friends were in those dreams, and the people I hated died. I had no control over what happened in the dreams, and only one person knew what was going on at the time, but the help wasn't enough. At 13, the thoughts and dreams, pictures and stories, became less. I was relieved of it because I was distracted by reality, the madness of it. When I was going through my phase, my friends became rare and the ones that stayed thought I was weird but still had love in their hearts to be with me. All the others didn't pay attention. I became hooked on this anime series that involved killing, how I loved watching it. But I didn't tell anyone I liked it, they would've shunned me more. Then I started styling my hair the "emo" way, had dark eyes and clothes, it made me different but people didn't take too kindly to it after awhile. In february of 2009, I passed out and went to the hospital, but nobody cared really, they said welcome back and asked me what happened, but that only came from one or two people. The summer was fast, I can't remember it. But 2009 was the year I thought was the worst year of my life, two great grandmothers of mine passed away and after my second one passed away, was the beginning of freshman year, and the blood ran down my arms. Very few people knew. In October was when the fights started between my parents, I hated to be social with them, I stayed in my room, I felt safe. The voices and images came back at night. I became very fond of this boy who lived across the country but I found somebody else. This boy, he knew everything, he knew all the pain and the hate. But the boy I started dating, Mike, knew very little and thought I was insane when I told him about the images I saw and voices I heard. I needed to vent, but it seemed like he didn't understand. I heard the voices more. A couple weeks before Christmas I found out my parents were getting divorced because my mother cheated on my father with a man from work. I felt my heart grow weak. I started cutting myself again, almost putting myself in the hospital, wanting to die, sketching out my suicide plans. But the sweetest thing was that Mike cut himself too because I did it. He said that every stupid thing I did, he would do too. I felt loved for once. November 23rd, 2009, is when I first started dating Mike. We fought, always fought, but we loved each other, we always loved each other. The only times I was depressed was when I yelled at by my parents or when they fought. But Mike kept my head up and made sure I didn't make the same mistake. Recently, towards the end of 9th grade, I started watching the killing anime series again, I drew bloody pictures, it made me feel better.I started getting visions of me killing people, but I always told myself I wasn't crazy and I didn't need help. The divorce papers where signed over the summer, August 2010, my world fell apart. Then I got in trouble because Mike snuck out to see me at my Aunt's house, I was depressed, I had a suicide plan in my head, when I got home, I had the blade in my grasp, I wanted the poison of bleach or Advil pills in my stomach. I hide everything with a smile, because smiling makes others happy. I'm still having these thoughts, still wanting to die without a connection to my boyfriend or my close friends. I want to be woken up when there is snow on the ground so I know there's something colder than emptiness, loss, loneliness. Still wanting to feel the blood on my skin, I have no one to help me with it now. I feel like I'm nothing, my mind is gone, I wanted everything to go back to normal or at least for things to be happy again. But what can I say, 'This is My story.'
A word of advice to everyone out there in this world whose facing the same problems as me, the easiest way to get rid of negative feelings, is to smile. :) It helps, trust me. I know you just read my life but I still find a way to be happy by smiling and having people make me laugh. It's not hard, just smile :)

Tags: Death, Love, Suicide, Smile
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Reaz says:
28 Aug, 2010 04:56 AM

Hi,
i found your story very touching. you write in a very neat way. btw can u please tell me the name of the anime u were mentioning? i am a big anime fan. have u seen Death Note by any chance. its one of the best ever...

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em says:
28 Aug, 2010 06:59 AM

hey.. i know you want to be happy or enjoy life.. but suicide is not the solution to your problem.. remember the time you temp to commit suicide.. only few cares.. so it doesn't matter if you'll die.. it doesn't solve anything.. any ways.. if i were in your situation.. i want to tell myself that i should explore more.. you can find friends in internet, share with them your anime addiction, dragon addiction and being emo.. your not the only person having that.. try creating a blog and post their what you really feel.. it will lessen your depression.. you can't blame your mom if he found someone better than your father.. thats love.. they have plenty of problems..(if you can see that) and if you commit suicide or died for sure they will blame their selves.. instead of thinking that.. you should do something that makes them proud you.. like doing households.. getting high grades.. or something achievements so they will make them proud of you and you'll realize that will care for you.. or try to focus on your talent so you wont be pressured to your problems.. nnhope you get some advice from me.. sorry for the bad english..

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nikaisha says:
29 Aug, 2010 04:57 AM

hey i really liked your attitude...towards al ur probs .jus smile nd forget ur worries..

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Dalia says:
12 Sep, 2010 03:41 PM

i totally agree with em...suiside was never the right solution..also you're not the only person who faces so many troubles in life..try to cheer up & get out of your depression by being buzy with your studies or whatever..also i believe that those dreams & voices all has to do with the violent anime series you watch...i hope your live will improve soon..& gd luck!

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B says:
17 Oct, 2011 04:53 AM

it made me cried half way

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Rei Sheika says:
22 Feb, 2012 06:34 PM

Wow, I have been through the same type of stuff, almost exactly the same. I feel as if I know you. It makes me feel better about myself, knowing that someone feels the same pain. Please, email me some time at reaperlord22@hotmail.com, it would be great to talk to you! ^^

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rOse Anne says:
23 Feb, 2012 03:44 PM

n!ce ...mOre sAd stOr!es....

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rOse Anne says:
23 Feb, 2012 03:55 PM

It's one thing to cheer somebody up, but it's another thing entirely to have to cheer them up all the time. We are each responsible for our own quality of life. If a person is always having drama or depression, it is important to note what they are getting out of it exactly. Some people feed off negative things. Others simply need pharmaceutical therapy of some kind. I hope this makes sense.


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Sarah says:
17 Jul, 2012 07:33 PM

In every story that i listen or read,i had fellow-feeling,because seemingly i had every pain that all people in all the time &history had! I experience all problems people say! I decided to kill myself umpteen and did it but im alive yet!! I dont know,perhaps there is a reason that i cant understand! Perhaps you are like me,but u are atleast one level better! U could find a good way to assuage yourself:smiling! It is very well,but i cant! Maybe cant be believed but im only 19 and i feel every pain:discord,discrimination,disloyalty,disfavour,defeat,frustration,disease,... I couldnt find anybody to help me and besause of this i did suicide. But im really happy as i see someone who (somehow) felt like me and now is ok! Good luck! ;)

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