I survive because , i have to die daily03 Apr, 2014 08:53 AM
“Not everyone in this world has the fate to cherish the fullest form of love .
Some are born just to experience the abbreviation of it.”
The past is flashing its scorching light beams. Tearing me apart, breaking me at the seams. The darkness of my life is more visible in dark.
On 3rd April 2014, Since past few days I was seeing the improvement in her, but all of the sudden she fell down drastically. The impact is so much that it led to collapse me.
Being unknown from all that was happening, I was still in a state of shock. The truth was so hard to accept, but I could imagine her dealings and behavior towards me …. I hear all those cries of pain around me especially of my eyes and heart. Few days before she used to spent whole beautiful with me, but oh GOD! Who was aware about the coming couple of days. Now the night was about to end and day is on the verge to arrive again but I was dying each and every moment …in her memories. And while I wish that her soul will rest in peace and happy, my own was restless within. I tried to sleep hard, but sleep was gar away from me. Images from the past time I had spent with her kept running in my mind since hours before.
Because she cheated me, she broke me and my all relations with her. Oh GOD! I kept thinking how could I forget her those last words, which fires to me like a bullet from a gun….. via telling me that she would go to sleep with Mr.... on one side of bed and Mr... on other side….. and ….. !!! And rest who wants to marry you Mr NARINDER THAKUR … you don’t deserve anyone’s love ever. She gave me reason to die daily but Indirectly she gave me a boon as a gift of my love for her. At that time I was highly thankful to her for giving me everything and also too much which even I didn’t deserve. I knew that she was having a lot of options to make her life better, but she knows still and forever that I can’t ….!!! I was shocked why she did all that with me, hours before my cousin PRITAM called me asked me about her and my relation and respectively told me that me too is wrong in many aspects of life regarding her … some how I managed him by my explanations …. And later I accepted my faults .
It was about 11:38pm on 2nd April 2014 when I had a call from her … no sooner I picked that call she shouted upon me like she was waiting for that moment hours before. She asked me that I have changed.. I am not what I used to be… I was shocked, to hear that much from her, I simply asked her what’s wrong with her …. She told me that she loves me a lot and can’t live without me …. While knowing that I can do anything for her , she still put her questions to me. Later she asked me that her friend’s boyfriend was asking her that she was only her habit not his love.. and u too wants to tell me this much in future .. I asked her what’s her problem, via comparing me with everyone always. She then told me that her ex was like …… and you are totally unique and disconnected the call. After few minutes I called her again and she asked me for complete breakup, I was in a state of shock and she … said to me that she got her answer …. On this I lost my sense in anger. And I asked her that I wish I may die after within one week of our marriage, so that u could come to know about the purity of my heart and my love for her, on hearing this much form me she shouted that … I am her nothing as her …..Mr... was not like me .. as he loved her a lot etc. and she now wants to be with him and wanna do ….. all that took my breath away from me but I was not able to speak anything as my mouth was dried up with anger and sorrow.
After that I disconnected the call and was recalling her every words, which she used to said me sometime before…. But despite of …hardly I opened my mouth , she shouted that my words “ I love her “are fake as always as there was not any purity in them like … that was in others words …. THAT time I realized that her words which always used to took my breath away from me becomes now her common ones and I disconnected the call and broke my simcard in anger. Oh GOD! What’s all this happening with me , either I did any wrong in my past or is this my fate and I bursted into tears , I wished that make her happy in her life @my life , if she could be happy after my death , then m ready to die anytime . just for her sake.
She left me, I survived.
I survived because I have to die daily ….
I said this to myself. It was to about to sunrise I went to the market in search of STD so that I could call her but unfortunately there wasn’t any shop opened at that time I returned back to my room and start listening music. It was hard for me to sleep so I started writing everything what happened hours before. Being lonely in my room I started as follows:_
And I ll tell you what this loneliness feels like, what it feels to live a single moment of life without the person you loved more than anything else in the world.
Recalling something about her, I happened to laugh and in no time, sometimes as I laugh, I tasted my own tears. The more I want to avoid romance around me , the more I find it. Seriously it will torture you like it was/is torturing me . you want to spent few hours in darkness. But still there you wont gonna find peace as your loneliness ll gonna ask u infinite questions to you.
You ll feel pain your heart will bleed, and very calmly you will walk pretending you didn’t see anything, but nobody cares about you.
Because of her breath taking words everything that brought a smile to my face had now started torturing me. I remember how easily she used to tell me all that after our marriage, we would put a success story for everyone and after we would like to do this/that… OH GOD! All this is ruining me drastically and also terrifying me and also make me o hate myself.
Now, I am feeling like a drug addict who badly needs his next hit. But at least an addict has his drugs….. I am feeling suffocated. As if something is stopping my breath and choking my soul. Why didn’t she ever understood me and my feelings about her while I was/ am always pure by heart for her. I am getting scare of things. I don’t know what they are, but they wouldn’t let me live anymore. And like a kid I want to rush to my mom, to sleep beside her. She would pat my forehead. But she too is far away from me.
With the arrival of new day and passing of each hour , I realized that another hour of my lonely life has gone. So now I am little closer now to the world where she liked me to go i.e death.
II want to pull my aching heart and tear it piece by piece, So I no longer love HER.
ALONE AT MY PLACE , I am dying talking to nobody except my fate and there is different sort of feeling within me, which burns me like lying on the bed of thorns and fire. I know for others I am also wrong at certain points , but my god knows, and my heart, that how I use to deal with her, while burning deep inside because of her way of behavior.
I still remember my last conversation with her, where I did one thing very unfair with via wishing her that after our marriage I may die .. so that she would realize my love for her …. As there wouldn’t be any NARINDER SINGH her life anymore …… I know what I wished was not a little thing for me and foe her … but what I did at that time was my broken hearts words , because she forced me to use those kind of words by torturing me … via narrating her…. Buddies name …to me everytime….. !!!
Always my elders and nears had given me this success funda in the matter of love/ girl :”don’t make them feel that you are going crazy after them; just give sometime and they will come to you”. But also I know her very ….awesomely that she won’t ever would like to come to me , because she is having a lot of options.