Keep Breathing...01 Mar, 2014 07:25 PM
I never actually knew or realized that I was a hardcore lesbian. I was a simple young jolly child who liked running and loved to compete with others. A typical tomboy like me was really nothing special, but the desire to impress females was a unique aspect of mine. I never understood that because I was simply ignorant in the early stages of my life, but I always hung out with the guys simply because it felt natural to do so. I played sports like guys did, teased girls like guys did, fought with guys like guys did, and just did everything that the guys did. I considered myself much more male than female and it felt good to impress the females. I just... Liked the feeling.
In middle school, everything changed. A beautiful woman entered my life. It was in 6th grade that I fell completely in love with her. I just had this burning passion for her and the lust got too strong sometimes. I would just pass by her as she was searching for something in her locker and I'd just have this urge to hug her and kiss her hard. Yes, I was a perverted and weird child. So? I loved her with all my heart. I wanted no one else. But it hurt because she already had a best friend and it was just so hard for me to ever approach her. I was a part of the 'unpopular' kids, you know? That wasn't the only problem. The school itself was a very good school with religious Christians who were in fact representing their religion in a very proper way and I was fascinated with them, but it also meant that homosexuality was a 'sin' in their minds. It was an automatic 'no good' for them. I might've not known it to this depth, but I just knew it was 'wrong.' It was 'abnormal.' I became tired very soon due to the one-sided feelings I carried for long.
However, there was always hope for some uknown reason. I just kept hoping like a fool. Whenever she would smile at me and our eyes would meet, I would feel this special connection between us somehow. But maybe that too was just an illusion I carried in my head for the sake of my heart. She has such beautiful blue eyes and with the typical blond hair. She's beautiful, so gorgeous, so perfect, and lovely. I loved her, and still love her. I will most likely continue loving her as well. I still hope sometimes, even when I know it's impossible, somehow my heart just can't let go.
Middle school was a better period than my the period I'm living in now. Freshman year is terrible so far. I feel like I'm living in a cage where I'm forced to do the same routine over and over again unless I want to be yelled at by the cage-keeper. I feel stuck and I'm chocking. But in middle school, I was much MUCH more close to her. She was willing to slowly accept me, and it's all over now. Just when I thought I had a chance because she broke up with her former boyfriend, it all becomes a rubble. She was dating this guy named Nate and well, not really 'dating' I suppose, but she spent time with him. She no longer sat with our class during lunch or hung out with us during recess. I hated him with a passion. A strong burning fire was always lit within me whenever I saw him walk by and I hated myself for hating him. I knew it was wrong, but I am a selfish bastard. I wanted her for myself, and I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her smile, laugh, and chuckle... I just wanted her to be who she was and still be happy. Then Nate broke up with her over the summer and she was hurt. I hated him even more. How could he do that to her? If I were him, I would have treasured her, held her, loved her, and told her how much she meant to me. Why would he break a relationship so easily when here I was, so desperate for her love? I was jealous and angry. So much anger...
Now is the freshman year. I hate it. It's a cycle that I repeat everyday. I'm getting too lazy to do homework and I honestly don't want to think about my future. My own sister went to Princeton, and I have such high expectations of myself that it's insanity. The things I would do to have more talent is madness. I hated myself over the middle school 'puberty' stages that still seem to be in effect. It's true that a lot of my depression has to do with the one I love, but it's also true that it has to do with how much I hate myself for being myself. I've struggled for so long with only my sister there to understand and now she's gone too. This year is by far the worst. My love changed so much as well. She has another best friend now and she's so good at everything. Sometimes it frustrates me because I can't keep up with her at all. I wish I was as beautiful as her so that maybe she'd notice me, but it's not like I have the looks or the goods. Screw this world.
She's become much more reserved, and uncaring. I remember how much empathy she seemed to hold during her middle school years, but now she's contradicting herself more than anything. I sometimes wonder if this truly is the Christian life people consider 'Christian.' I'm embarassed sometimes because of how much ignorancy there is. People should clearly be able to see who the people are that need company and approachment, and yet they never approach or give company to those who really need it. They don't CARE about the ones who are drowning, not waving. Yet we all choose to keep breathing like fools. Something keeps us going. Why? What? I think I know the answer, but at the same time, I really don't. I'm not a big psychologist.
All we can do, or all I can do is to keep breathing. I live on and move on. I still have three years to go. This being my fourth year of loving her, I guess it'll be my seventh year in three years. Maybe that's one thing I can be proud of myself for. For loving someone wholeheartedly for seven years... Maybe I'll pat myself on the back and placate myself for the good things I've done.
The pain I feel is suffocating, but the love I feel is even more excrucating. I am so poisoned in love that I'm not even sure that I can infect myself with another one. This utter ruin, madness, I wonder... Will it ever end? So much time lies ahead of me. A simple story of mine, indeed. One day, everyone will forget me and I will cease to live on in the souls of my offspring. But I still keep breathing. Breathing with all my might...