The sweet relief27 May, 2012 04:59 PM
Hello my name is Andrew, and this my story. When I was a child grew up in a loveless household, my parents used to beat me and I didn't have any siblings to comfort me. My childhood back then was agonizing, but now it just seems like a big blur... except for my junior and senior year in high school. That's when I met Luaren. She was so beautiful, but no one knew her because she was so shy. I always stared at her from a far and sometimes she would catch me staring and just give a little smile. But I still knew that someone like me didn't deserve her. Someone like me didn't deserve any woman. Someone like me didn't deserve love.
But no matter what through junior year I kept on wishing if I could be with her but never having the confidence to even talk to her. Until that one evening, I was walking by the lake and I was just throwing stones into the lake and looking up at the skies. Until I heard footsteps and little twigs cracking in the distance. I was startled so I ran and hid behind a tree, as I watched the person walking up I realized it was Lauren! She stopped at the same place I just was in front of the lake, but I started to think that I could never be with her and that I shouldn't even talk to her. I started to walk away until she saw me. She called out my name "Is that Andrew?" I stopped frozen in my own tracks. I answered back "Yes, who is that?" (Like i already didn't know) She answered back "Why don't you come hang with me? I would like someone to talk to." I walked her way and we sat down on the ground right next to each other. I was so nervous, I was sweating like a dog (which now i realize is a very ironic statement) and worst of all there was a very awkward silence between us and I had to try to say something. I finally mustered up some confidence and said "I am really glad you called me over." She smiled and said "If this isn't too weird but I'm really kind of nervous. I have honestly had a crush on you for a while. I was shocked, I was lucky I didn't swallow by whole freaking tongue. I just stood up and gave her a huge hug. I had never felt that warm feeling inside before, its now the feeling I know as love.
We went through high school together and we were INSEPARABLE! We ate lunch together everyday, we always met each other in the hallways, we basically had every class together, and we just opened up with each other. We trusted each other more than we had trusted any one before. We were in love, what can I say. We knew that our love was special like that kind of love you see in movies and books but just real. I had never loved anything in my life before, so without her I would be nothing, and so I made myself believe I would never lose her. I was more wrong than you could even imagine. In high school I had no friends, was the bully's easiest and favorite target. So Lauren was really all I had and my bully hated to even see me happy. So one night we as usual were holding hands walking by the lake, we heard laughing and crunching of twigs in the background but we ignored it. That's when everything went black... I woke up with a throbbing pain in my head and hearing Lauren scream "Andrew help me!!!!"
I was being held down by a 300 pound football player who was laughing hysterically. It took me a while to find Lauren, but I did. She was being held down, beaten, and even worst... raped. I couldn't bare to see it I started to go insane trying to claw my way out so I could save her. But I couldn't, I just had to sit there and watch the love of my life being beaten, raped, and killed. Whenever all of them were done and let me go I couldn't even think of getting revenge or catching them. I just wanted to hold Lauren in my arms, she was still alive and all I could say is "Please hang in there baby. I love you so much." But the last thing she said was "Why did this happen?"... She died in my arms; I watched the only person who I ever loved die. I sat there for a day before I called anyone. But when I was there I pulled out my pocket knife and was about to end my life to be with Lauren forever. I could even feel the sweet relief of death on the back of my neck. But I realized I don't even deserve death's sweet relief. I am pathetic, lonely, and useless; I don't deserve anything.
Its been 30 years since that night.. I still cry myself to sleep about it. She was the only thing I ever loved and ever will love. I am a shell of my former self, and I will never be anything more than a cockroach scowering the earth. I have never found another love, and the thing I have realized is that I never will. The day I wait for is when they bury me in that old wooden coffin and end my miserable life. I will never love again.
RIP Lauren my one and only true love.