Blossom flower yet thorny

Ashley

I am a woman who could not barely accept defeat nor shows my real emotions. When i was young, i molded as everything's okay even it is not though i understand i am not the only one who felt this way. I felt that the only one who appreciate me is my father. That's why they called me "father's princess" but the rest they don't like me. Maybe because I'm lazy doing household chores. But that's not i think the reason why, because i find it very unreasonable. However, this kind of thinking motivates me to strive hard and keep things possible and reachable but this motivation i built makes my self disorganize because of a young love.

It started when I went to college. The house i rented was Coed. 3 men and 5 ladies including the worker and rest of us went to same university. It all started in teasing although i felt something to the guy named Benjie. From time to time i evaluated my self if I fell in love already or not. One night as i was supposed to be the only person in our boardinghouse, surprisingly he didn't go home for unknown reason. And, i am so happy because i can be with him for how many hours. We played Damat (using cheeseboard). As we about to slept i was shocked because he slept beside me. I just ignored it since I like the feelings too. But then, he started to kissed me and I don't know how to react but i enjoyed the moment instead of slapping him of what he did. How many days passed, I'm so confused of what really the real score between us. So i called him that we need to talked, and so he went to my room and I asked him if he loves me or not or he just felt lust. He answered both. I have the feeling of happiness at the same time anger. well, obviously you know why. But finally he told me his feelings, he called me to come to his room and he kissed me while saying he loves me. And i accepted his love. We began to talked about his problems but definitely I ignored him cause on my part i suffered more than he do (maybe we can say I'm selfish). Instead of comforting him I told him I cannot proud him to my family as they have different views about having a relationship as if they never went like that before.

Time passes by, more challenges came-one of those challenges and I think its my fault is when I accepted a suitor. He doesn't know why i do that, since my landladies smells something about us. I told my suitor he needs to leave because at that time i felt too much nervous thinking what will be his reaction since he can heard all the things happening in the outside. My conscience gets me the feeling of nervous and afraid of losing him. But I ignored the idea, I still alleged the situation. As I about to entered to his room I saw his eyes fire like hell. I felt too afraid but things done suddenly that i couldn't think normally. I express tenderness so I can hide my feelings. But he ignored me anyways, who guys wanted his gf doing like that. But I think its reasonable enough to keep our relationship hide from our land ladies. If they will find out one of us need to transfer and i cannot handle that.

It was December and we celebrated our Christmas Party. I had a friend and I didn't know he likes me. He slept at my lap but not directly cause I put my bag and other things so it wont directly touches my skin. He saw us that position. I saw hatred to his eyes. I tried to console and make things ok. But it's not just easy. One day, we have new board mates. Same attitude and looking at their self. They have class as u will first glanced at them. They were like a torn to me cause I felt that one of them like my bf. But the sad thing is they felt fondness to each other (I mean my bf and the new boarder)and even slept at the same bed while talking. Although I felt too jealous i just keep it to myself and trying to throw the hatred by crying every night. I though it's his way to make me felt what he felt before that's why I keep it even I cant handle it anymore.

I fainted when I went to church. One thing I learned is not to keep the burden in your heart because it might give you lots of illnesses. I try to make things like everything's fine. Pretending I'm ok. During the Christmas break i got no text coming from him aside from greetings on my birthday. The text that i waited so long and telling something that makes me feel happy it didn't happen. Here we go again back to the same old thing. Endless pain of love.

Summer break again. I went to davao to have a summer job. It took how many weeks before I got a job and every morning I waited for his text. On the first week I said it's ok maybe he was busy. On the second week I felt bad so I gave him a balance maybe he was out of load but still no text. That's my way if he really cared about me. So I assume he didn't love me anymore even so I cried every morning thinking he leave me without any word. Here comes the enrollment period, we saw each other in our boardinghouse, we had a eye to eye contact but the pain is still fresh so I ignored him trying to erase the memories. Time come for us to be with again in one house. He suddenly entered to my room asking for apology. So, granted. And I think everything will be alright but this was the wrong moves I ever did because everything turned into worst.

When we celebrated the Intrams, I saw him together with the friends of my board mate which we never do that before. I don't know who has the problem, is it me or him?or maybe between us. It's like I was standing naked, like i loosen my dignity and pride. I said to myself it will gonna be ok after from shocked.

One month of trying to ignore each other as if we do not know anything about us. And it continues until such time he broke up with me. It's the most painful feelings I ever had. I asked of course what's his reason he didn't answered me so, I said if you cant give me a very good reason I wont break up with you. So, he responded he has new gf and he just felt lust in me.No love at all. I was like drown in water with lots of ice that I hardly breath. So, I finally give up although I make some moves. Maybe I'm tired trying to understand him as I usually did to my family. I still remembered I bought a t-shirt for him with all the efforts even if I don't have enough money to buy shirts for him but I insisted. When I gave it to him, He said its like a ragged shirt"do you think I will wear it?)my gosh..I really don't know how to react. I just silently fold the shirt and keep it to my drawer. And because of madness and I don't wanna remember what happen and to regain my pride So I gave it to one of my board mate that lately, I discover that he likes me.

I only want him as a friend and nothing more after three days he asked where is the shirt that I gave him. I said I gave it to someone since he don't like it. Still the pain draws to my heart. I still gave him a gift in his birthday. I'm not a materialistic person but one thing to show your love to someone and giving her an importance is to give her something even it's not expensive. Its the effort not the price. I receive nothing for one and a half year we spent to each other. Supposedly, we will going to celebrate our first anniversary. I greeted him but he said he has no gf, and I am not his gf. I just ignored what he said thinking he's just teasing me and so, i put more effort just to please him. That's why I invited him to watch new movies and ate to one of the finest and romantic restaurant but he refused still I reject his intolerable attitude.

Sometimes I felt I'm sick of that kind of relationship. But thinking to break up it makes my self disorganize. But we do not hold the faith, even how I wanted to there are some things we couldn't control or manipulate the situation or the person. He went to my room as the semester break approaches. That's the time he said he never love me, he just felt lust (doesn't mean we do things like what the couple do what I mean is hugged and kisses,my first kissed is very memorable and painful at the same time, I want to treasure it but remembering the past.I cant help but to cry again). I saw him this day but all I can feel is pain. Now that I shared my love story hope this will let go my pains and memories. Thank you for sparing your time reading my story. Hope you learned from it too.