Enlightened

yhenzy

for the guy I once loved so dearly....

I feel so lonely; much realization came up in my mind. When you have been hurt a lot of times and suffered a lot of heart aches?you will just grow tired. Even though how strong your love for that person, it just changes when you?ll realize that the love and all your sacrifices were not well appreciated and reciprocated.

It is a wonderful feeling when you dream of a happy future together. But it was equally a very painful feeling when you?re just a few steps away from that dream, you?ll just realize that it wasn?t all you wanted. It?s not that you are looking or aiming for more?.it?s just that you are enlightened and it?s just now that you had opened your eyes and got a clearer view of reality. Yes, I love him and I dreamed my future with him. But could I expect to be happy when all of a sudden you were bang with a reality that you are not everything for him. You are just a part of what he really wanted. Nothing was really a big deal if you?re present in his life. All he just wants is his dream, his happiness and just his self.

How could you enjoy the moment with him, if all that was in his mind was your faults, your mistakes and your shortcomings. How could you feel happy when all you hear were just complaints, painful words and rejection? Yes, he tells you a lot of times that he loves you?but how could you believe it if all he do was to hurt you and put you down. You sometimes think that he just does it because it?s his personality and you can do nothing to change it.

They say, love is such a wonderful feeling?then definitely?ours was not love, because it wasn?t all a wonderful feeling. I am trying to convince myself that I must accept him, because he is everything to me. I love him with all my heart, without anything left for myself?that I am nothing without him?.how foolish is I to believe such. I had live my 19 years of life without him?he just came and made me a happy for a moment and now I live in tears, pains and frustrations.

I couldn?t think good enough. What to do and what I must not do. What I have done in my life? I nearly ruined it just for a person whom I think could make me happy and complete?without expecting that I nearly buried myself down because of my stupid feelings for him. I hate being in love with him. I hate myself for being such an idiot in front of him. He is nothing compared to me. But why do I look up at him like he?s the world to me?

To think that there?s much that is stored for me?for my future?I don?t need him at all. It?s just that these 5 years of spending my time with him, I used my heart, for I thought it?s the only way to achieve happiness and fulfillment. Now that I realize it?s not all and it?s not the end?I know I could move on by myself?freely and full of self inspired dream. If I had feared to be alone then?not now. I foresee that being alone must be fulfilling than being with someone who never realize your worth. I just wasted all the love that I have given him. Who just hurt my feelings and made me look at myself a beggar asking for love, understanding and care.

I must love and care for myself, for no one could do it other than me. Stay upright and take the path?though it?s not that easy, I know with God?s loving guidance?I could make it.