Vote +13

Keep Breathing...

Dissentient

01 Mar, 2014 07:25 PM

I never actually knew or realized that I was a hardcore lesbian. I was a simple young jolly child who liked running and loved to compete with others. A typical tomboy like me was really nothing special, but the desire to impress females was a unique aspect of mine. I never understood that because I was simply ignorant in the early stages of my life, but I always hung out with the guys simply because it felt natural to do so. I played sports like guys did, teased girls like guys did, fought with guys like guys did, and just did everything that the guys did. I considered myself much more male than female and it felt good to impress the females. I just... Liked the feeling.

In middle school, everything changed. A beautiful woman entered my life. It was in 6th grade that I fell completely in love with her. I just had this burning passion for her and the lust got too strong sometimes. I would just pass by her as she was searching for something in her locker and I'd just have this urge to hug her and kiss her hard. Yes, I was a perverted and weird child. So? I loved her with all my heart. I wanted no one else. But it hurt because she already had a best friend and it was just so hard for me to ever approach her. I was a part of the 'unpopular' kids, you know? That wasn't the only problem. The school itself was a very good school with religious Christians who were in fact representing their religion in a very proper way and I was fascinated with them, but it also meant that homosexuality was a 'sin' in their minds. It was an automatic 'no good' for them. I might've not known it to this depth, but I just knew it was 'wrong.' It was 'abnormal.' I became tired very soon due to the one-sided feelings I carried for long.

However, there was always hope for some uknown reason. I just kept hoping like a fool. Whenever she would smile at me and our eyes would meet, I would feel this special connection between us somehow. But maybe that too was just an illusion I carried in my head for the sake of my heart. She has such beautiful blue eyes and with the typical blond hair. She's beautiful, so gorgeous, so perfect, and lovely. I loved her, and still love her. I will most likely continue loving her as well. I still hope sometimes, even when I know it's impossible, somehow my heart just can't let go.

Middle school was a better period than my the period I'm living in now. Freshman year is terrible so far. I feel like I'm living in a cage where I'm forced to do the same routine over and over again unless I want to be yelled at by the cage-keeper. I feel stuck and I'm chocking. But in middle school, I was much MUCH more close to her. She was willing to slowly accept me, and it's all over now. Just when I thought I had a chance because she broke up with her former boyfriend, it all becomes a rubble. She was dating this guy named Nate and well, not really 'dating' I suppose, but she spent time with him. She no longer sat with our class during lunch or hung out with us during recess. I hated him with a passion. A strong burning fire was always lit within me whenever I saw him walk by and I hated myself for hating him. I knew it was wrong, but I am a selfish bastard. I wanted her for myself, and I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her smile, laugh, and chuckle... I just wanted her to be who she was and still be happy. Then Nate broke up with her over the summer and she was hurt. I hated him even more. How could he do that to her? If I were him, I would have treasured her, held her, loved her, and told her how much she meant to me. Why would he break a relationship so easily when here I was, so desperate for her love? I was jealous and angry. So much anger...

Now is the freshman year. I hate it. It's a cycle that I repeat everyday. I'm getting too lazy to do homework and I honestly don't want to think about my future. My own sister went to Princeton, and I have such high expectations of myself that it's insanity. The things I would do to have more talent is madness. I hated myself over the middle school 'puberty' stages that still seem to be in effect. It's true that a lot of my depression has to do with the one I love, but it's also true that it has to do with how much I hate myself for being myself. I've struggled for so long with only my sister there to understand and now she's gone too. This year is by far the worst. My love changed so much as well. She has another best friend now and she's so good at everything. Sometimes it frustrates me because I can't keep up with her at all. I wish I was as beautiful as her so that maybe she'd notice me, but it's not like I have the looks or the goods. Screw this world.

She's become much more reserved, and uncaring. I remember how much empathy she seemed to hold during her middle school years, but now she's contradicting herself more than anything. I sometimes wonder if this truly is the Christian life people consider 'Christian.' I'm embarassed sometimes because of how much ignorancy there is. People should clearly be able to see who the people are that need company and approachment, and yet they never approach or give company to those who really need it. They don't CARE about the ones who are drowning, not waving. Yet we all choose to keep breathing like fools. Something keeps us going. Why? What? I think I know the answer, but at the same time, I really don't. I'm not a big psychologist.

All we can do, or all I can do is to keep breathing. I live on and move on. I still have three years to go. This being my fourth year of loving her, I guess it'll be my seventh year in three years. Maybe that's one thing I can be proud of myself for. For loving someone wholeheartedly for seven years... Maybe I'll pat myself on the back and placate myself for the good things I've done.

The pain I feel is suffocating, but the love I feel is even more excrucating. I am so poisoned in love that I'm not even sure that I can infect myself with another one. This utter ruin, madness, I wonder... Will it ever end? So much time lies ahead of me. A simple story of mine, indeed. One day, everyone will forget me and I will cease to live on in the souls of my offspring. But I still keep breathing. Breathing with all my might...

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Maria says:
30 Apr, 2014 11:58 PM

I'm sorry :( I will never know your pain Exactly because I'm not you, but I definitely know how it feels to see the person you love be so far away and like you cant do anything. Seriously the worst feeling I've ever felt, besides guilt. And I'm Christian and I can get where you are coming from. Its not the Christian lifestyle that's ignorant, its just that some people arr very ignorant. They can be Christian and not lead that type of lifestyle. I know several people who are Christian, but shun others down all the time. I guess they don't really know that the whole entire basis of the religion is to help one another -.- and I don't get people who shun homosexuality just because its a sin or whatever. People sin ALL THE TIME and everyone ghastly sinned more than they can cant for so its really hypocritical to do something like that. I really hope your situation gets better ??? don't give up!

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Dissentient says:
08 May, 2014 10:27 PM

Thank you, Maria. I really appreciate your concern and comment. It is very sweet of you. :) I agree with you that the Christian community can in fact be hypocritical, but the weird thing is that as much as I hate my community, I love it still. I really wish I could manipulate my emotions to somehow stop loving her or women, but I guess it's just not that simple. Christianity is offensive unlike what most people think. It says that homosexuality is a sin, adultery is a sin, coveting is a sin, etc. It's not a peaceful religion because it is one of the most offensive religions out there that contradict every human sinful lifestyle. Everything we shouldn't be enjoying like lots of sex, drugs, alcohol, etc, the Bible forbids it (the overuse of alcohol, yes). And that's why even though I'm having a hard time, people like you whom I stuble across upon always pick me back up. Thank you for your comment because it made my hard day brighter.

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imlipen jamir says:
18 Jun, 2014 06:28 PM

Dont give up

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Sphumelele Gcwabaza says:
27 Jun, 2014 02:46 PM

Your story saddens me bt also inspires me because even though I'm not Homosexual I too am in love with a heartless and a cruel women bt I still love her anyway its been 5 years now loving her and She's had tonnes of boyfriends but all were the same old jerks that didn't even last for a month.I told her how I felt but a poorjack like I couldn't convince her and she kept quite and never talked to me about anything involving my love for her until an incident occur where I got putted to the Internet,headlines saying I tried to get the hottest girl in the school that was out of my league which got her laughing all the way and broke my heart very much but eventually picked myself up and went straight to her and said out of anger"You are a B***h and I hate you and wish I'de never lied and said that I loved you I hate hate hate you".And she said don't lie to yourself.And I don't know what she mean't by that but the word hate there means love.

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Natalie says:
02 Jul, 2014 07:19 AM

Don't give up there is love everywhere u just have to wait for the right person even if I don't know u I pray that ur true love will love u back more then u know it u just have to wait and see if that person is taking to long yo see that u r the one then more on the r many fish in the sea I promise u u will fight the love of ur live u just have to wait and see

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Dissentient says:
04 Aug, 2014 08:56 PM

Thank you imlipen jamir. I appreciate your simple comment a lot. The fact that you wrote just that already makes my day. :)

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Dissentient says:
04 Aug, 2014 08:58 PM

Thank you Sphumelele, I hope that one day someone will see you for your worth. I know that we're imperfect beings, but how can we help wanting to be perfection because we're so imperfect? The girl you love is missing out on a greater love, and that's not your fault. Time really does heal wounds. I'm love sick and I'm hurt, but my emotions are leaving me. I hope to one day find a woman who will love me unconditionally and I will give them my life as a dedication... Keep breathing.

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Dissentient says:
04 Aug, 2014 08:59 PM

Thank you Natalie for your comment. You are right. There are many fish in the sea. There are many people in this world that I have yet to meet. Thank you for your kind words, and I will keep breathing no matter what.

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padiboi says:
28 Dec, 2014 07:31 PM

ohhh!! It really hurt... I also had a girl whom i loved nd cherish so dearly, bt she always ignores me even if she loved me.. I've tried 2 show her howmuch i love her, bt no way. I heard of how her boyfrnd treatd her rudely nd dat mkes me hates him. Pls dnt giv up

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Kirito says:
03 Jan, 2015 07:44 AM

Same, I met a girl who I completely and utterly fell in love with in my last year of Junior High. We got along pretty way. Just seeing her face everyday made my day. She already knew about my feelings way before I ever did. I confessed to her but she didn't give me an answer because she said she didn't want to hurt me. I told her to just reject me already and she did. We became friends once again. Both of us didn't bring the topic up ever again. I ended Junior High confused. Things just got more confusing over the summer though. I had her as a friend in Facebook so I would text her as much as I could without exceeding it. Except one day she asked me why it was that I didn't fall in love with someone else. I taught about it to that why out of everyone in the whole world that I've already met and that I still haven't met I had to fall in love with someone who can't love me back. "I just did my heart chose you out of everyone in the world... My past was dark and you were the light that saved me. People probably think my feelings for you aren't love but rather they think it's just a clinging emotion like the feelings a child to it's parents at an early age, but it's not because even if it was I've already fallen for you..." Is all what I told her. She changed the topic soon after that. I expected her to do that so I went along with it. The things she would constantly bring the topic up over and over agin every once in a while. One day I asked her two questions "If I asked you out once again would your answer stay the same? How would you feel if I fell in love with another girl and I stopped loving you." is what I asked her. "My response would stay the same because I like this guy and I don't like girls but I like you... As in more. The thought isn't pleasing... No I wouldn't feel happy if you fell in love with another girl... but I wouldn't keep you away from your happiness." Is how she responded, I told her that I don't plan on liking anyone else other than her. In the end I got more confused than intended. She acted like she felt the same but she would say that she doesn't feel the same way. She would try to get me to be jealous, to speak to her, to hug her... Everything she did contradicted what she said. She's the only one that I've been in love with this long in whole life, she's the only one I'm willing to be the idiot for just to chase her even if what I hoping for is impossible.
P.S In case you're wondering yes I am a girl (=???)?

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Dissentient says:
12 Jan, 2015 12:14 AM

Thank you padiboi. I appreciate your comment.

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Dissentient says:
12 Jan, 2015 12:21 AM

@Kirito,

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. It's been almost a whole year now since I've first posted this story and I appreciate all the supportive comments so much. :) But within that year span, I've changed dramatically. It's not like I don't love her all of a sudden, but I've realized life is not worth living for someone who will never give herself or himself to you the way you gave yourself to them. So I am no in search of someone who will willingly love me with the same kind of intense love I would give to them... This sounds horrifying and scary in a sense, I know. I didn't want to believe the fact that she may not have been the one, the one I would marry and love forever, but we all need to move on. It's funny I'm saying this since I'm still not over her either, but if you want advice, that's the only thign I got. It hurts like hell for me to see so many people like you and me suffering for no good reason where there is no blame, but all I know is that we all ought to look for people who will love us for who we are. Out of all the people in the world, there must be someone is what I try to make myself believe.. :') Find bigger communities and try to see more of the world. It will enlighten you and ease your pain. Focus on things you love and not on her. I think you'll need to let her go, my friend.

P.S. I loved Sword Art Online <3 :)

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Trinity says:
29 Jul, 2015 05:36 AM

That really does suck. I know the basics of loving a girl you can't have. Wanting to give ANYTHING to make them happy and hating yourself for not being able too... I found out I was gay not too long ago and complete fell I love with an amazing girl... She had a terrible jerk of a boyfriend that constantly made her cry and I just want to make her happy. What made it worse was that she flirted with me a bit when I found out and I got a little hopeful... Then she'd go all "Ew! I'm straight!" And call me some terribly offensive names. Then, like the idiot I am, I still wanted to save her from him and held out hope that she would return my feelings. It's been almost a year since I saw her and I keep falling into depression over it... I kinda have the same philosophy about just breathing because there isn't much else I can do. I'm starting my junior year at. New highschool in a new city, which is gonna suck but I hope being around people will help numb the pain... I hope it gets better for you.

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Wall Terrence says:
15 Mar, 2016 10:07 PM

I dont know what to say... u are gonna believe me or not but my story my sufferings are exactly same as yours and i really wanna talk to u in personal chat... i want to discuss.. i really need help ... i am really hopefull that u r gonna listen me once... i signed up here just to post a comment here ... i hope for a positive response... i just wanna talk to u discuss with u cause u r the only one whom i found just lyk me.. plzz do give me some response..

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Dissentient says:
10 Jun, 2016 08:11 PM

Hey Wall Terrence. I haven't checked in for a while now but... If you're around, give me a message. I too would love to talk with you.

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Wall Terrence says:
13 Jul, 2016 07:26 PM

Dissentient .. how shall i contact u ?? ... through which source... i want to talk personally ...

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Wall Terrence says:
13 Jul, 2016 07:33 PM

I wish u'll check out again soon... tell me about any of ur contact source and i'll contact u as soon as possible

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Dissentient says:
03 Jun, 2017 10:44 AM

Hey Terrence. Sorry for being absent for so long. Why don't you give me an email address I can contact you at if you're still around?

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jessica says:
11 Jun, 2017 08:09 PM

I av never tell any gal about my feelings because I don't know how to say it

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Blablabla says:
23 Dec, 2017 02:43 PM

Wow. We have the same story. I am in love with her for 5 years now. We became friends but I made a distance between us. I didn't even go to school because we're classmates. It's just that I can't do it anymore. Pretending to be okay around her with our common friends.

We're in different school now since we're in senior high. It's a little bit sad and I miss her so much. But I know this is better. I'll be OK.

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Dissentient says:
21 Feb, 2018 03:29 AM

@Blablabla

I hope you'll make it through strong. :) I am finally over her haha it took me a damn long time. Thanks for the comment.

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Paige says:
22 Mar, 2018 06:35 PM

I was like that too. I know your pain. It’s good that you got over her. Good luck in life!

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