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I Dont Know


14 May, 2011 04:23 PM

"I don't know" is my favorite phrase these days - when i say "these days" i mean since June 14th 2010, that's 11 months. I'm really confused about my feelings.
First of all, this might not be the saddest story and i might seem ungrateful for my life at the moment but i really cant cope with this. I'm feeling so depressed and just literally want to die right now. I told one of my friends about this (the only person i could really trust with this) and they told me to go see a psychologist.. but i don't want to. I know - stubborn. I think its better if i get the pain over with and kill myself. Right now I'm at the point where every time i go in the kitchen or get hold off a knife, i press it against my face and it relieves me for some reason. But anyways ill tell you the story now (ill try to make it short).
I met this guy in May '09, lets call him Chris. I fell in love with Chris within 2 weeks and we started dating. I never told my parents cause they don't allow me to date. 6 months later, he told me he really loved me and really took this relationship seriously - i felt the same way. In February '10 things started going downhill.. He got a contract with a Junior Basketball team to play for five months.. five months touring around the world. He left and i thought things would be fine but they weren't. It was horrible, but that was only the beginning. Over those 5 months we were talking online and stuff but it didn't feel right and we started breaking up and making up often. We must've broken up like at least once every month. I would explain deeper why we were breaking up, but i have a lot to cover. Anyways, in June we broke up and this time we didn't talk til August. In October we started dating again though we would have to make an effort to make things work. Everything was going good but in November Chris got taken away from me.. At first he said he was breaking up with me but i knew there was something up and i forced it out of him. Then he started saying how being with him, I was in danger cause some guys wanted him. He didn't explain everything but i don't understand why-- hes such a good guy, the guy everyone loves. After that, Chris moved away and i haven't seen him since - him or his family. Every time he calls it sounds like hes in a hurry or hes hiding and I'm REALLY worried about him. I'm way past crying about it, I'm just depressed. Ive been trying to find a way to help but i just cant! So far this year, I've cried rivers lying to people saying I'm crying about something else (cause i just cant trust anyone right now). Ive tried self harm, that doesn't do shit and i just feel numb. my grades have gone down. But I'm not worried about any of those things at all. Whats really scaring me is the fact that I'm literally half way crazy. Lately I've been have these - not necessarily scary - but just shocking dreams. There's so much to say but basically these dreams usually have me and Chris in dark rooms trying to kill each other (its quite bloody). There's always 2 versions of me; me watching whats happening in a corner and me fighting Chris. Version two of me (the one fighting Chris) Always has big dark angel wings and sometimes Chris has them too, but the view never changes so i don't know what version 1 of me looks like. I know its me cause in one of the dreams Chris comes up to me and says he can see me (as if I'm something no one else can see - angel?).
Ways of killing each other include things like literally ripping out and eating Chris' heart and him chopping me into little pieces.
Another thing that's worrying is how lately I've been having these "vibes" like something bad is gonna happen.. its usually after having one of these dreams. Once something bad did actually happen and i don't think it was a coincidence; I got a blow to the head from the side and got knocked out. I experienced a Grade 2 Concussion (confusion, post-traumatic amnesia, vomiting). Turned out i got hit by a football on my head.. the kid who kicked it has the same name as Chris. Strange.
Finally, the last thing freaking me out, which is the most recent, is how i keep hearing things. I don't know if I'm just paranoid/that ball hit me too hard but i swear i keep hearing things and i don't know what they are of. And sometimes my ears just start ringing and get blocked. I don't know how but i have a feeling this is all linked to Chris. He told me once to take care of myself but, if I didn't stop trynna help him, he would have to kill me. He sounded dead serious. Now i don't know what to do. I don't know.

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Amy Chen says:
20 May, 2011 04:38 PM

you are very much like me but not the boyfriend girlfriend stuff.

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Emi says:
28 May, 2011 01:18 PM

Help him. Tell someone that can do something. They can protect you. I am a girl with depression that got dumped on her birthday. I have cut my legs and my parents dont even know. But its funny how the people who say they love you the most are the ones that hurt you the most. The ones that hurt you the most are the ones that said they never would. Letting go is an option and if you cant do something. But maybe, those dreams are telling you watching is a choice or doing something and you guys hurting eachother is another option. You have to chose but there are more options I think you should explore. Other guys are out there. I feel linked to the one who dumped me on my bday but if it was meant to be wed be together because everything happens for a If it comes back to you, its yours. If it doesnt, it never was.

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Salena C says:
20 Jun, 2011 07:39 PM

I hear things n i see things for most of my life n my ex A***** 'm connected to him when he gets hit i feel the pan when he's sck i am to when he;s mad or sad or anything i am to i feel everything when he gets a cut a cut shows up on me to n so on n so on were connected n idk how but evn tho were not togther i found someone else n so will u till he comes back

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Kate says:
30 Jul, 2011 11:15 PM

Woah. Heavy stuff. I think you should tell someone. If that is not an option, then you should go see a psychologist. My friend is sorta the same way she went through a phase when i was afraid to leave her home alone because i thought she would harm herself or kill herself or get drunk or something. Your bf broke up with you because he wanted to protect you and that is so sweet but breaking up is sometimes not the best choice. If he tells you not to help him out because he may have to kill you, then i think you should just trust it all to God. Don't harm yourself it's not worth it! For what it's worth, i gave you a mental hug. Stay strong, okay? Please don't kill yourself! As for your dream, i think you're fighting with your desire to help Chris and the fact that if you do help him you may end up in danger. The wings remind me of angels gone bad, so devils, and i think you feel you would hurt Chris more than help him if you tried to do something to help him. And you feel that he may hurt you if you try to help him. Just keep him in your thoughts, okay? God will work this out. I don't know how it will end up, but however it does, it's meant to end that way. Good luck, and please don't kill yourself you're not crazy or half crazy or whatever. I once heard someone say dreams are fulfillments of the heart's wishes. You really want to help Chris but then you're worried it won't do anything good. You could tell like the FBI or something, or at least your parents if you trust them because they're there for you and they're supposed to help you out in stuff like this. And, stay away from kitchen knives. I was once tempted to become bulimic and i know that once you've made a decision you can't go back on it. ever. Please don't kill yourself!

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Kaela Goodwin says:
03 Apr, 2012 02:38 PM

I have a freind that went through almost the same stuff. To get rid of the ringing in your ears you need to STOP PHCYICING YOURSELF OUT! When you do that you hear things and you have a ringing in your ears due to stress. LEAVE IT BEHIND! i know you love him, but sometimes, that will put you in danger. And for your nightmares, go to a phyciciatrist. they cured me of my visions (i used to have visons of people shooting me or stabbing me) and of my gruesome nightmares. DO NOT SUICIDE OR CUT URSELF!!! that will make it worse. Belive in god, and also, talk to a preacher, or your priest. Thank you for sharinng your story!

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Lee says:
10 Oct, 2012 04:07 PM

plz dnt worry...ik ppl say hey ik wat ur goin through bt i litaraly do...My most best friend in the world killed herself last year and one just yestrday ...i cut alot...n idk wat to do nymore...n the one friend i have with i had sex with n things r changeing n i dnt like it n yes me n her r both chicks...sounds bad ik....n the one gye friend i have tht im in love with (and yes knows it) is leaveing in less than 3 weeks to the national gaurd, ima litarally go insane ....iv been desprate to cut even useing the edge of my desk :'

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kahani says:
06 Feb, 2013 08:39 PM

These is a heavy burden but always remember everthing happens for a reason. So probably he's really in deep shit or your mind is just playing games with you. sometime our mind tells us the truth and sometimes it gives us negative images which makes us worry alot. The mind is the strongest organ in human body and there's no need to break down like that. cutting yourself makes it worst because in the end its you who's getting hurt and your gonna be the one feeling numb. After a while, when somebody finds out about you cutting or harming your body, its you who gets to spend time in mental institutions or rehab whatever.. I think you should really think about yourself first and really think about what you really want to do. Suicide or any harmful things your doing to your body is NOT the solution!! it just makes it worst.. Think twice.

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