I Dont Know14 May, 2011 04:23 PM
"I don't know" is my favorite phrase these days - when i say "these days" i mean since June 14th 2010, that's 11 months. I'm really confused about my feelings.
First of all, this might not be the saddest story and i might seem ungrateful for my life at the moment but i really cant cope with this. I'm feeling so depressed and just literally want to die right now. I told one of my friends about this (the only person i could really trust with this) and they told me to go see a psychologist.. but i don't want to. I know - stubborn. I think its better if i get the pain over with and kill myself. Right now I'm at the point where every time i go in the kitchen or get hold off a knife, i press it against my face and it relieves me for some reason. But anyways ill tell you the story now (ill try to make it short).
I met this guy in May '09, lets call him Chris. I fell in love with Chris within 2 weeks and we started dating. I never told my parents cause they don't allow me to date. 6 months later, he told me he really loved me and really took this relationship seriously - i felt the same way. In February '10 things started going downhill.. He got a contract with a Junior Basketball team to play for five months.. five months touring around the world. He left and i thought things would be fine but they weren't. It was horrible, but that was only the beginning. Over those 5 months we were talking online and stuff but it didn't feel right and we started breaking up and making up often. We must've broken up like at least once every month. I would explain deeper why we were breaking up, but i have a lot to cover. Anyways, in June we broke up and this time we didn't talk til August. In October we started dating again though we would have to make an effort to make things work. Everything was going good but in November Chris got taken away from me.. At first he said he was breaking up with me but i knew there was something up and i forced it out of him. Then he started saying how being with him, I was in danger cause some guys wanted him. He didn't explain everything but i don't understand why-- hes such a good guy, the guy everyone loves. After that, Chris moved away and i haven't seen him since - him or his family. Every time he calls it sounds like hes in a hurry or hes hiding and I'm REALLY worried about him. I'm way past crying about it, I'm just depressed. Ive been trying to find a way to help but i just cant! So far this year, I've cried rivers lying to people saying I'm crying about something else (cause i just cant trust anyone right now). Ive tried self harm, that doesn't do shit and i just feel numb. my grades have gone down. But I'm not worried about any of those things at all. Whats really scaring me is the fact that I'm literally half way crazy. Lately I've been have these - not necessarily scary - but just shocking dreams. There's so much to say but basically these dreams usually have me and Chris in dark rooms trying to kill each other (its quite bloody). There's always 2 versions of me; me watching whats happening in a corner and me fighting Chris. Version two of me (the one fighting Chris) Always has big dark angel wings and sometimes Chris has them too, but the view never changes so i don't know what version 1 of me looks like. I know its me cause in one of the dreams Chris comes up to me and says he can see me (as if I'm something no one else can see - angel?).
Ways of killing each other include things like literally ripping out and eating Chris' heart and him chopping me into little pieces.
Another thing that's worrying is how lately I've been having these "vibes" like something bad is gonna happen.. its usually after having one of these dreams. Once something bad did actually happen and i don't think it was a coincidence; I got a blow to the head from the side and got knocked out. I experienced a Grade 2 Concussion (confusion, post-traumatic amnesia, vomiting). Turned out i got hit by a football on my head.. the kid who kicked it has the same name as Chris. Strange.
Finally, the last thing freaking me out, which is the most recent, is how i keep hearing things. I don't know if I'm just paranoid/that ball hit me too hard but i swear i keep hearing things and i don't know what they are of. And sometimes my ears just start ringing and get blocked. I don't know how but i have a feeling this is all linked to Chris. He told me once to take care of myself but, if I didn't stop trynna help him, he would have to kill me. He sounded dead serious. Now i don't know what to do. I don't know.