I need HELP!!!02 May, 2014 04:23 AM
Hi guys, I am new in this Forum.
First of all I would like to add that I am gay (if you are against, stop reading now, please)
I don't know what to do anymore I need help. I tried so hard to move on to start feeling better with myself that looks it will be impossible. I am 21 I am Mexican ( born and raised) I chose to belong to this forum, due to the fact that I think people I know could hardly find me or something. Since I was in kinder garden I knew I was gay, since I was 6 years old I had a lot of self-esteem problem because and don't really know why, I think maybe because my dad always compared me with other people and the people my family and I use to get along and hang out with ( the family of my mom's sisters husband) always rejected me. I could never get along with them and sometimes I was lonely.
When I started middle school ( in Mexico middle school is for 3 years and high school for another 3 years) I was kind of fat and my self-esteem was even worst for several reasons, my parents are catholic and catholic church doesn't like gay people, people here (Mexico) are so Judgmental and they started bully me because one guy said that I told him I was gay and he told every body even high school seniors knew and every body pointed at me even teachers because I was in catholic school, but that was not the whole problem for some reason my Thorax\Chest start growing abnormally and they used to make fun because I had "Breasts" and I used to have a nickname too, when I was in my last year of middle school I started anorexia to lose weight and so my "boobs" could get smaller too but they never changed I could only lost weight.
When I started high school I changed in the second semester ( high school in Mexico is taken by semesters) I could make just a few friends there and gain weight again so I started bulimia which I quit after a year but I was still doing it from times to times. Before I graduated I went with a plastic surgeon to see why my chest was still super big and he told me that It is because my body deliberates more feminine hormones that the regular male human body does and that I had like "real boobs" Before I took the surgery I was so exited and also decided to come out the closet with friends and school colleges, so I took the plastic surgery and the problem was solved I felt so good.
Few months later I started college and chose Advertising career, and to make long story short I had Job in call center and drop off then I drop off from school because I wanted to change to another career but, to be honest I never knew and still don't know what to do or want to study. I got a new job at a call center again, and came out with my parents and they supported me so much nothing changed, later on I met guy through an gay APP and he lived in a different state we talked for a few months through skype I was 19 years old and I wanted to meet him and I was like " in love" so I had sex for the first time with him he said that he was going to ask to be transfer to my state so we could start a relationship when I got back my surprise was that he didn't want to do it anymore so that destroyed my self-esteem even more I was depressed and I was saving money to buy a car I asked my dad if he could help me and he said yes then I told him to tell me if he was really able or not or if he didn't want to that was fine to but to tell me in that moment, he still said yes but he never gave me anything, my mom told me they ( she and my dad) could help with psychologist and I said no because I wanted my car so bad and then she said they could pay it for me, I agreed but when she took me with a psychologist she said is to expensive and we can only pay half of it, they just did once and suddenly without saying nothing to me they just stopped giving me the money and I was paying by myself My psychologist said my main root problem was my parents never showed me love to me when I was a kid and I was rejected. I could not go the school I wanted to so I took another career and drop off too a few months later I was fired I ran out of money and asked them to pay for my psychologist while I find another job and they said no and my dad keep telling my it was my fault because I was lazy ass, crazy, silly etc etc. While in that period after I left the psychologist I wanted to have relationship so bad so I just started to have sex with "random" guys I met through another Gay app for smarthphones called "Grindr" , It felt so good for the first time of my life it felt like I was good looking, and I was not fat enough to get fucked, people will say compliments like nice ass, or you are cute or you are fine, things nobody ever said to me so it was like being powerful.
I waited until January I choose another career and started a new job in another call center, few months after I found that I had a Hiatal hernia due to the bulimia experience in high school and that I had for a few years, I move out because my parents were annoying placing stupid rules such as don't turn in the light in the morning to dress up ( 6 am ) because you wake up your brotherI used to go to school 7:00 AM to 9:30 AM and go to work 11:00 AM to 8PM and swimming classes 9:00PM to 10:00 AM and my dad will still says I was lazy, I dropped out of school again, everything went bad my roomies stole my money, clothes etc etc so I came back with my parents and everything was fine again. I started school again, got the surgery but everything went wrong they use machine too do the surgery but the doctor cut something inside me and they need to put 13 blood units and then they needed to open my whole stomach to take the blood out but they couldn't find where it was coming so they left me sedated and open and I got Nosocomial pneumonia I was about to die, but I didn't.
After I was out of the hospital I took the HIV test and it was positive and choked and felt like shit I took the western blot and it was positive too that pretty much was my birthday present just a few days after my birthday I got the notice. I think i got it because I just made 3 blowjobs and drank the cum and had 3 unprotected anal sex but only once they came inside me, but the people I used to have sex with were older way older like between 28 to 38 around. My doctor said I could still have sex and have fun but using condom for the rest of my life, I was so sad I could barely go to school I was still recovering for my surgery too, I went to the beach after 4 years and half without taking vacations I want with one of my best friends and one of her friends I had sex in the beach ( using condoms of course) with different guys including my best friend's friend which was and in a relationship, after I told him I was HIV positive he said he didn't mind at all and that we could have sex still, but he regreted later on I wanted something serious but he din't want to because he thinks im a slut so that hurted me after I came back found out more information about HIV it says that regardless of the condom you can still infect somebody so I felt like shit I swear my mom that if the doctor would've tell me I would've never done it I never wanted risk anybody,the guy told me he was gioing to take to a gay HIV association he did but he took his boyfriend and he told I was HIV and his boyfriend started to tell some people so i decided not to go to the association, that hurted me even more, after a few months I met guy through "Badoo" and he became boyfriends but he was not HIV positive and he would always remind me why I as positive, yelled at me, call me fat, he asked me more for money he never paid back only for the month that I dated him because when we turn 1 month I broke up with him that hurted me even more.
At this moment still working in the same place all my co worked or at least 98% of them lived on the U.S.A I never been there, I always wanted to I still do, I want to know different countries like the people I used to hang out in my first college, their parents could afford trips to different countries, I want another life, I want to be different, I would like to excuse myself why I had sex with people I didn't know, I wanted to feel pretty, I wanted to feel desired, I wanted them to hug me and kiss me, I wanted to feel love, I want to be successful I'm a tired of people stories about their lives in the United States of America I want to stop hearing I want to go there, I hate MEXICO with ALL MY HEART!!! I want to live in another country but I cannot apply for a working VISA in several countries due to my HIV status, every time I wake up and see myself in the mirror the disgusting word comes to my mind, I want to be somebody normal. I feel I want to crash destroy everything, I want beat up somebody to run out my house, all I do is sleep, I don't want to eat, only go to work because I have to but I don't like people to talk to me I want to be alone and cry for complete days but I always pretend I'm fine and laugh with people, talk to people, always asking "how you doing?" always the same lie "I am doing great", I will start school again in May, I don't want to that make me more sad, I just want to sleep for 2 years without waking up, I am no one, If someone could remove the part of my brain that want to have sex and feel attraction I will gladly accept, I would be happy to not like men nor woman, I gave up on having a relationship I just need my suffering to go away sometimes is stronger than me still recovering for my surgery it will take between 1 or 2 years I'm only 21 years why so much shit at the same time I make myself responsible for the HIV but why everything else, I am not a role model citizen but I am not evil either I like to help people, I borrowed money to people never paid me back, I been there for my friends and try to help them I try to help my brother and my family I am afraid of life I'm afraid I have not suffered enough for god, life, destiny whatever you call it I can't take more pain I feel like an soul trapped in this world, I cannot have pets because of my HIV status it is dangerous and I don't have space either, I cannot stay awake at night, cannot get sick, cannot be depressed, I need to eat healthy all because of that. I hate myself so much. WHO WOULD LOVE ME? NOBODY WILL EVER DATE SOME STUPID DUMB ASS UGLY RETARDED, ILL ASSHOLE LIKE ME.
I am literally a Zombie, a living dead. I am living a life feeling like dead.