Another Story to Read05 Jan, 2013 06:34 AM
It has been a while since I last thought of the first love I've ever had. But here I go again, regressing to a period in my life that I should just get over and accept! For some reason though, I can't. Not fully anyway. My thoughts wander back to him, just as a child wanders away from its parents and into a candy store. However, I want to tell my story. So here it goes!
My first love (for reference sake let's call him MAN.I know, I have no creativity.) caught my eye sophomore year in high school. He was immensely tall- 6foot 1'- had lovely hazel eyes, and cute shaggy brown hair. Little did he know that I planned to win his affection and become his girlfriend. It was my hero's quest, and I was determined to fulfill my destiny!
I had never wanted a boyfriend before. I was mostly involved with my schoolwork and tennis. (I know what you're thinking, and YES I am a proud nerd! I am a girl that ENJOYS video games, sweatshirts,NOT wearing makeup, and chilling with the guys.) However, it never occurred to me that these things called "hormones" would start to kick in! Maybe it was Cupid playing a trick on me. Who knows?
Time went on and my plan to win MAN over was destiny, or so I thought. We were placed in the same chemistry class, and from there on out, we were the best of friends. I could count on him for anything. We would talk on the phone for 2 hours at a time, not caring that we'd be tired for school next morning. We had the same sense of humor, and we'd always laugh at each other's jokes even if no one else would. Our friendship was a major stepping stone to winning his heart, and I was overjoyed. For the first time I had hope I'd experience the same beautiful feeling written about by ancient bards and trendy rock bands.
Junior year came about and by this time, I knew that MAN was the One. I am a skeptic when it comes to "soul mates" but at the time,I was blinded by emotion. He was the most beautiful human being I'd ever met. He was kind and saw the good in everyone, even when I had something negative to say. MAN was the yang to my yin. I mean sure, he had major flaws in his character, but who doesn't? And believe me, we got into some arguments but we always forgave each other in the end. Because that's what love is. It is acknowledging someone's flaws and still being able to love them.
MAN was great to me. Every morning when I came to school he would greet me with a warm smile and a hug. He'd go out of his way to do so, and it didn't go unnoticed. He held my hands and played with my hair. He told me when I looked nice if I bought a new shirt. He kissed my hands lightly. He would lift me up and carry me through doorways as if we were getting married. He told me he became jealous of another male friend when he saw us goofing around. It got to a point where OTHER people thought we were going steady. He liked me, and I knew it. But he didn't say it. He was just shy!
I loved him. I truly did. I know for fact it was love because I looked up the definition on Google. I hated to be away from him, and looked forward to seeing his innocent, loving face every day. I wanted him to embrace me and treat me like I was more special than any other girl he'd ever met. So I pulled a "Sadie Hawkins" if you will. I told him my feelings (*gasp*). 'But that's supposed to be the man's job!' you say. Well too bad. I couldn't keep my feelings locked up anymore, so I took the plunge to complete my hero's quest! I told him: "I like you. Like-like you." And he said: "Sorry, but let's just be friends. I like another girl right now."
I was devastated. How dare he play with my emotions?! I forgave him immediately though. He WAS my best friend after all.
You'd think I'd move on after that. Call it a day because he obviously didn't share my feelings. But I didn't because deep down, I KNEW we were supposed to be together. I had hope that I'd get him one of these days. Not being able to share the love I was feeling for him was eating me up on the inside. I used to think teenagers couldn't experience love, but I was dead wrong. Senior year comes around, and MAN and I decided to go to an open mic night. If you don't know what that is, it's a gathering of students who share poetry, music, and artsy stuff like that. He was an officer of the club so it was mendatory for him to go. Anyways, the shindig ended, and we were the only ones left in the desolate room. Even the janitor had left for the night. We talked for a few minutes about blood donations (of all things to talk about right?!) and waited for his mom to pick us up.
Out of nowhere, he turns to me and says: "I have something to tell you." Here it was. The grand moment where MAN would confess his love to me and tell me 'Oh, I could never live without you. Date me!' Instead I heard this: "You know why I haven't dated you or any other girl at this school? It's because I CAN'T like them. I'm gay." I was devastated completely. He used to hold my hands and kiss them when I was sad. He gave me eskimo kisses and watched my favorite movies even though he wasn't a fan of them. He cooked for me and made me laugh so hard I would cry. Sometimes he told me he loved me. Always brotherly I suppose, but I had hope. He fueled it, and the statement I heard after open mic night doused that flame.
Naturally, I was supportive. I told him I was happy he was able to tell me and that we could still be friends. It turns out MAN lied to me about liking other girls for 2 years. And it pained me that I wasn't the first to know his secret. In fact, a mutual friend of ours begged him to tell me once I told her I was in love. But although I told MAN I was okay with the news, I started crying. Fact about me is that, I despise crying in front of people, let alone crying in general. It was embarrassing and unnecessary. But it happened, and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. They were determined to ruin my calm cool and collected act, so I turned away in embarrassment. MAN instinctively embraced me, but I pushed him aside saying "I'm sorry. I usually don't do this. I don't cry, and you will NEVER see me cry!"
He ignored me and I felt his arms around my tense body. My hat fell to the ground but I didn't notice. I was in shock. And I whimpered: "I loved you, you know. I loved you. I LOVED YOU!" And he squeezed me tighter and whispered, "I'm so, so sorry. I am sorry."
For 5 minutes we stood there in that embrace and all I could think about was: "I was going to marry you. We would've had a beautiful family. I wondered what kissing you would be like. I wondered what it would feel like if you loved me too." Finally, I pulled away and wiped my face dry to restore the remaining pride I had left. I slapped a smile on my face and told him I was ready to leave. To lighten the mood, I confessed: "You know how I knew it was love?"
"How?" he asked.
"I looked it up on Google," I giggled.
With one last embrace, MAN opened the door and we left that dark room. MAN and I are still best friends and it has been almost a year since this happened. Sometimes though, feelings and memories of love flood back. For the most part I'm okay but not quite. I wouldn't be writing this entry if I was healed. I wrote this because he was my first love, and I will never forget my first.