Dear ex boyfriend30 Jul, 2011 12:54 PM
Dear Ex boyfriend,
I broke up with you once and I still loved you. And it was more painful than I ever thought.
I thought I could get over you quickly by blocking communications with you, and ignoring you. But when you sent that text, I thought you cared, but you wanted ME to make the first moves to talk to you again. Now why would I put my time and effort into that, knowing I?m going to get a response that will fuel my with anger??
So yeah you cared, but you only cared because you wanted me to message you to somehow make it better for you, am I right? I can only assume from past experience. I know how self absorbed you are, you only cared about YOUR feelings. Not mine. You pretended to care about my feelings, at the time we were going out. I fell for the illusion. I loved you so much that I just wanted you to be happy, because that made me so happy! And when you were the slightest bit sad I got so, so sad. I was always overwhelmed in emotion for you, because I loved you. You don?t deserve my love, and I don?t deserve to be put in overwhelming emotions of pain because of you. My heart literally feels like it has disappeared. An empty hole in my heart.
So I ignored you. It?s been about 3 months we have completely ignored each other. And after the holidays, of having a complete break from you, I saw you again at school. You had changed once again, another piercing, different haircut, and oh my you looked like you had even lost weight. I guess that?s because you?re not over at my house being fed a lot of food. I fed you so much because I knew you didn't eat much at home, and I wanted you to be healthy, not sick. When I think of those moments when I gave you food and watched you eat, you were so cute. It made me feel special knowing I was caring for you. And I thought you appreciated what I did, but you didn?t.
Every time I walked past you at school, sat behind you in class, heard your voice and watched you walk, it bought so many emotions. But the biggest emotion, was pure sadness. I was in so much pain, that even the slightest looks at you would put me on the verge of crying. Tears would well up on the brims of my eyes, I would start hyperventilating and my body would start to shake a little, I was nervous you would see my pain. Even if you did see my pain, you wouldn?t care. Never have never will.
When you were going out, you only gave me affection when i gave it to you first, after an argument we had and I said ?you never show me affection first (holding hands etc. etc.) it's always me doing it first!? and you said ?okay I will do it before you do? but you took a while to remember that that?s what you had to do. Then at this point in the relationship I was thinking ?Maybe I?m forcing him to show me affection.? And I was always so doubtful of your love for me. Then I thought ?maybe he does love me, just not enough to want to hug me first, to make the first moves? because he was just?so lazy. He?d always tell me he was too tired to see me, or he had to do things at home which he could have done ages ago. That made me sad, because I was always tired from work and school but I still made the effort to see him because I wanted to!! I loved him. So much.
As I am writing this now I am more and more accepting the fact that you just don?t care about me. The illusions has worn off. And I have now little hope that you would ever care. After we broke up I would keep myself awake at night crying and sobbing and crying more. I would think ?One day he?ll come up to me and say ?I still think about you?? I had hope that you might care. But I was letting myself fall for that illusion again, stupid me.
And every time you said you loved me, it was a lie! That?s what I now realize. You?ll never know what love is. All you did was take my love, but never gave it in return. That?s why you cried when we broke up, that?s why you cut yourself, because I wasn?t going to love you anymore. But I cried and cried every night, I wouldn?t stop thinking about you 24/7 after we broke up, I kept caring about you, I tried making things better by asking you to sit with me because I cared about your feelings, and I went through all this pain because I loved you and I realized, you never loved me or cared EVER! Not one bit. At least you had someone love you, and you didn?t even have to open your heart!! That whole year on our relationship, a waste of time.
I don?t know how you could not love or care about someone who loved you that much. You obviously didn?t have the same feelings for me as I had for you, which was real love. I had passion for you. Maybe I was just a girl to you, who happened to care about you.
I remember the times I would ask you to come over, just to watch TV with me or talk to me. I loved it so much, thinking about it makes me cry, like right now, tears so much tears, never ending tears. You held my hand, I cuddled you, I didn?t want you to leave my side, that made me want to cry. It felt like you cared about me, that you loved me. Maybe you did at that one time? Just a little bit? Or you may have been STARTING to care? Why did it take you so long?? Why is it so easy for you, to not care? To not open your heart?
I might have been able to put up with your flaws if I knew you cared. But they wouldn?t have mattered so much if you loved and cared about me, the way I did for you.
We fought so much, I hated it. It always made me cry. You were always jealous for no reason, like your jealousy was trying to tell me you didn't want me anymore. Your flaws made me angry, you were always ignorant or lazy about something. I did nothing to betray your love. Never even THOUGHT about any other guy, I loved you. I only had feelings for you, you were my love, the one I wanted to be with when I died, I wanted to be the only one who cared for you. I loved you so much, so, so much. And when I think about it, I still care about you. And it sucks. You don?t deserve to be happy after all the hurt you put me through. You don't deserve to be cared for, because you don?t care back. You don't deserve friends, family, anyone. You?re horrible. So, so horrible. You tricked me, without really trying or intending, and I fell for it, hard. And I hate it and I want to live without having any feelings for you, and they will go away soon, I am still waiting for the right guy to love me.
Why couldn?t YOU love me? we?d both be happier if you loved me. But you like it better this way. You will never know what love is and how to love. You will never open your heart, because you?re scared to get hurt. Yet I was not scared, I opened my heart because I couldn?t help it and I wanted to experience love, and you seemed perfect for it at the time.
Oh well. Even after all my hatred for you, I still cry at night thinking of you and I say to myself,
?I wish only happiness to him, for it makes me happy.?