Hannah26 Jul, 2018 09:59 PM
Edit 2: This edit is at the top because it's a message to my friends and family. In case you ever read this, you may be wanting to know who is who. I've listed the names with an inside joke, quote, etc. You know who you are then!
Lilly: SIO is best band <3
Jacob: Stellar is a dumb word
Kieran: You're the most likely to call me "shortass"
Erika: You named your stuffed rabbit Buns
Robert: You forgot me
Becca: We never talked to each other
Eli and Zack: This is self-explanatory...
Anthony: I can still spell your last name! Hahaha!
Liam: Please stop being tall. It makes me feel short
Caleb: RED HURRICANES!!!
Kaylee: Oh gosh, so many to choose from ... pfft. "Be home in a boat! Blueberry muffins are the best Social Darwinism. REGENISIS."
Camila: Remember that group project for Ancient Civilizations?
Emma: I like your black glasses!
Cindy: Curling mum!
Jemma: "THE ICE ISN'T KEENINIZING!!!"
Marie: How long does it take to microwave a 25lb turkey?
Vivian: Our Socials teacher called you 'Timbit'
That sums that up.
The story you are about to read is 99% true, the names being the only things fiction. I will not stretch the truth, nor will I make things easier to handle. I shall only state the truth. This story is about my life, the way that it began, the day it fell apart, and the days I have remaining. Be warned: this is quite a long read, and not all of it will be in chronological order. Another warning: there is some profanity in here, but I'll try to keep it as minimal as possible.
Before I say anything more, I just need to explain something. I've always been smarter than the average student in my grade. My average grade has always been an A; it's just normal for me at this point. But while academically I may be intelligent, I have only the slightest idea of how the world works. Heck, I didn't even know what bragging was until 4th grade. I don't know what's appropriate to say and what isn't. I spend so much time reading, I never take time for the few friends I have remaining.
Our story begins in 5th grade. My fuse was about as long as Natsuki is tall. So it didn't really take much for me to get upset. Whenever I felt mad, I would hide in the coatroom so no one would see me. My teacher really cared about me, and she would always make me feel better, even if I didn't feel it. One time, we were playing dodgeball in gym. I had been sitting on the bench, not wanting to go out. My teacher came to ask what was wrong. I had simply replied, "I don't wanna hurt anyone."
Next thing I remember, I was talking to the school counsellor. I don't remember a lot about her, except that she always wore black high heels. I can't say for sure, but I'd assume this encounter made me afraid of counsellors. I'm serious! Counsellors scare me, but I haven't the slightest idea why.
They made me go to an emotion management group after school for a week. I say 'emotion' because, at this point, I don't think it was solely for anger. We went and listed things that made us happy, something that countless people will tell me to do later in my life. I didn't think that the group helped me at the time, but now I think it did. I probably wouldn't be sharing my story with you if it didn't.
Our next stop on the Train of Memories is Orientation Day for 6th grade. Where I live, elementary school runs from K-5, middle school from 6-8, and high school from 9-12. I was kinda scared. I had never seen so many people from my grade in one place. I had no idea that most of these people would change my life. One of whom would be the first person I talk to.
We'll call her Lilly, and she was the most outgoing and bubbly person you could ever meet. We became friends by me literally walking up to her and saying, "Hi, I'm Hannah. Do you wanna be my friend?" She agreed. She had short, curly, brown hair and a round, sweet face. Right now, as I type, I'm unsure if I should've met her or if I shouldn't have. She changed my life drastically for the better, then for the worse.
My chance encounter with Lilly led to more 'friendships'. Friends that I wouldn't call friends. In my 6th grade class was my childhood friend, whom we will call Jacob. There was also another Lilly and Hannah. And ... Kieran.
Kieran wasn't always my enemy. During the first week of school, I could even say we were friends, although he hates to admit it. He was tall, with dirty blond hair. I can't remember his eyes, although we saw each other every day for the rest of middle school. But one day, friendly teasing went too far, and we became enemies.
Not much else happened until winter-ish. My grandfather had heard of an InterCity League for junior curling. I had been curling since I was seven, and I desperately wanted to try. So my grandfather signed me up.
I was put on a team of three people from another town, plus one from my own city. That made five, which was too many. But hey, it was the only thing possible. When I met my team, I remember being downright TERRIFIED. I was always kinda shy, but this was something else. The first person I met was Erika. Her blonde hair was in two braids, and she seemed nice. (she seemed nice. wouldn't talk. hates me.) The only boy I had yet to meet was named Robert. I never had much contact with him after the season ended, but I saw him once at a band concert. There was another girl, Becca. We never talked to each other; I think our personalities clashed, but I couldn't tell at the time. Eli was from my city, so I already knew of him. He was and still is, quite short, and he had blonde hair.
We weren't the best team in the world, but we weren't the worst. I grew closer to Erika most. I was sad to say goodbye to her most of all.
Curling season ended. Our next stop is Music, simply because it clears my future. I played the recorder in grades 3, 4 and 5, and chose to play clarinet because they looked similar. They really weren't. Clarinet lined me up for my future in music, which is weird because I don't currently play the clarinet.
Near the end of 6th grade, I met a boy. He was in the Aboriginal Room playing diep.io, because that was what we did for fun back then. I had seen him around before, but I never talked to him. I watched him play for a little bit until I asked for his name. Anthony. His name was Anthony. Little did I know that just asking his name was enough for my life to change.
I developed a major crush on Anthony during the summer months. Do any of you remember the Unbreakable Love Thing from Harry Potter, the one that Lavender put on Ron? No? Okay, well, I doodled that a couple times. I didn't know what a yandere was at the time but DANG, I would totally have taken desperate measures to be with him. I'm just glad that when school started up again, it was just a crush.
7th grade. This was the year of horrible choices on my part. Anthony and I were in the same class, which was pretty stellar. There was also a girl in this class named Monica. No, not Monika, as in evil psycho, 'delete club members'. Remember, I'm making these names up. She shared the same name as my younger sister. I don't remember how I first spoke to her, but apparently, it was the right way, because we became friends. I wish I could say it stayed this way forever.
We soon found out that, even if we were twelve-year-old females, we both like the TV show Ninjago. *groans, eye rolls, click out of tabs* I honestly don't blame any of those reactions. Don't worry, I won't go in depth with detailed conversations about the show. (never watched. hated. fake.) Before winter break, Monica got me into this website called FanFiction.net. We started writing a Ninjago fanfic, which, right now, is super cringy. But it was the first fanfiction I had ever written, so it was kind of okay.
At this moment, we need to step back a bit. Anthony was taken for a while, without my knowledge. Good thing that he told me after my yandere phase. Her name was Jaiden. Without thinking, I told Lilly about her, thinking she knew. Apparently, she didn't, and she proceeded to tell other people. Soon, most of our grade knew about Jaiden. Anthony was furious at me. He wouldn't talk, except when he was throwing insults. He also sent a thread of emails, which I will write right here. Keeping in mind these are from May, and at this point, it's around November-December.
Hannah: I know I screwed up, alright? I never meant to hurt you.
And I want you to know that, it's not like ... that anymore. I don't want to stand in the way of you and Jaiden.
It's just, I miss you. I want to have someone to talk to, but everyone else just shoves me away. I'm writing this as a hope that, maybe, you do want to be friends.
Because you can't always trust what other people say.
And if you still think that I'm a bad person, then that's okay. I do too. I just want to have friend s that like me for who I am.
A friend like Liam, not Monica.
So, I hope that you read this, and accept my apology.
I still do want to be your friend.
Anthony: Hannah ... Sorry that I took forever to reply. I've been caught up with other stuff but ... I still hold a grudge for you ... and I see you hate me to now, I know it, this morning you only said hi to Lilly and not me, so i don't know if your going to be reading this but, if you are. I can't. I still hold a grudge against you. Hannah you don't need to lie! I know you told Tyson, then he spread it on to Bobby, and so on. People make fun of me about Jaiden, they still do till this day. I never told anyone else about Jaiden! So you were the person. Days after Sierra asked whats wrong, so you were the only one that knew Jaiden and spread the word.
Hannah: I said nothing. And until you face that truth I won't talk to you.
And I will keep that promise.
Anthony: ... then explain to me ... how did Tyson and Bobby know about Jaiden -_-
Anthony: Because i know that you told Tyson and Bobby told me! Until you confess the truth, my darkside will be showing every time I see, Like i said last time, Friendship can come from me in many ways, I can be nice, give you something, and you do the same with me, I have talked with everyone in this classroom, Except for one person, if this keeps up, I might aswell add you to the: I have never talked to you before. You spread the rumor and I know it! Deep down in my heart there is a darkside with your name written all over it.
Hannah: GOD ANTHONY YOU'RE SO STUPID!! YOU DON'T GO AROUND ACCUSING PEOPLE OF THINGS THEY DIDN'T DO!!!
YOU CAN ACCUSE ME ALL YOU WANT, BUT UNTIL YOU FIND OUT THAT I DIDN'T DO IT, YOU CAN SAY THIS:
THAT DARK SIDE IS THERE TO STAY.
BECAUSE I AM THE DARK SIDE.
Hannah: Ah, you could never understand
Anthony: I've been realizing your the dark side Hannah, everyone in class realizes too. Everyone knows you just want attention, talking to Monica all day, then you look in front of her and BOOM you are singing while looking at her strangely, You have feeling for her? Cause everyone has been realizing, Hey, even Ty knows! But, ya seriously, singing is not going to get attention. Now i understand why your parents don't want you to sing, cause once you start singing, my head explodes and i run away, same with some of your "friends"!
Hannah: I DON'T WANT ATTENTION!!!!! I WANT THE OPPOSITE!!!!!!! I ONLY SING BECAUSE IT DISTRACTS ME FROM THE REALITIES OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS IF I WANTED ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!! AND I KNOW I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I'M HAPPY WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I KNOW I HAVE A DARK SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anthony: Calm down hot shot, everyone has one, but everyone can see your on a daily bases, and if you want to sing a song, sing it nicely, and make it a okay song to sing, not a satan song. Seriously, i wish your sister the best of luck, how is she still alive? You say your lil sister is annoying, but seriously, i think its you that is.
Hannah: why do i even talk to you? friends are supposed to be supportive, and you never were.
even when we were friends
Anthony: Were we ever really friends? besides, i can deal with you not being my friend, least i have other friends!
This message was sponsered by: BANANA aka hannah + Bobby :D
Anthony: FUCK U TOO
Yeah, that's about it. That happens in May. Currently, it's winter. I'm on another InterCity team. This time with Eli, Eli's older brother, Zack, and a boy named Caleb. He was pretty cool, and we talked a lot. At some point, we disagreed on a shot. We ended up fighting and not talking to each other. I know, it's a childish thing to fight about, but we were children. Every time that we talk, I still feel the tension.
At one point in the winter, I was asked to sub in for a person on a U18 team in a woman's league. I was requested by Erika, as she believed that I was a good enough curler to sub. I met Cindy and Emma there. Cindy was our skip, and our joke was that she was our mother. Emma was the random middle child. I was the smart, younger sister. Erika was the older sister. It was fun, although kinda scary.
Shortly after spring break, I met Monica's best friend, Kaylee. (never met. bad memories. suicide.) If two strangers can become best friends in a week, that was us. We spent as much time as we possibly could together since Kaylee was a year older than I was. I also met Liam, a boy who also shared my love for Ninjago. We formed the 'Ninjago Squad', as I like to call it. However, Liam became a part of my life after this conversation with Monica, dating January 16th, 2017.
Hannah: Those who have the power within, shall be the leaders
Hannah: Wow. It took you long enough.
Hannah: And I was in the middle of an episode
Hannah: Is that al you're gonna say?
My kitten right now
Hannah: 1: the pictures blurry
2: haha you didn't say it. You just lied
Monica: 1: Im going to say something right now 2: You might hate me
Monica: Never watched Ninjago before. But i know the characters
Hannah: WHAT THE FUCK YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE MY FRIEND OF TO WRITE THOSE STORIES!!!
Monica: Im hurt Hannah, im hurt
Hannah: WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!
Monica: Hannah.... Its been six years since i watched it
Hannah: I DONT CARE!!!
Monica: Why are you mad?
Hannah: BECAUSE YOU LIED!!!
Monica: ... Hannah.... Its not my fault
Hannah: YES IT IS!!
Monica: WELL SORRY!!! SOME PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH!!!
Hannah: LIKE HOW I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS EXCEPT KAYLEE!!??
Monica: You do! Me, Anthony, Lilly!
Hannah: NO I DON'T!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN TRUST YOU ANYMORE!!
Monica: Im done
Hannah: WELL SO AM I!!
(childish. overreact. never forgive. never forget.) I suppose I kinda overreacted, but that's what happened. Things have never been the same with us. We never looked at each other the same way again. It's winter. Winter term that year was Music. We had the choice of nearly any instrument in the concert band. I wanted to try something different because the clarinet was kinda boring. The music teacher showed us a video with about a minute of the spotlight for each instrument. My exact thoughts as I chose my instrument were, 'I've never seen that instrument before. It looks kind of like a clarinet. I'm gonna play it.' That was the day I chose oboe.
Don't take the oboe lightly; it's a hard instrument to play. I didn't even make a sound until a week after. Hah, that 'D' will haunt me forever. But soon after I made my first sound, I was able to play songs. I learned quickly. You know how some people learn languages really easily, or some people remember molecular structures? That was kinda like me, but for music. I found my instrument. Took me long enough.
As the term drew to a close, the music teacher asked me to join the linear band. I agreed because I would give anything to play the oboe again. (reed. broken. hurt.) It wasn't long after that I learned Kaylee and Liam were in the linear band as well.
Liam and I met in gym class, 'cuz that happens. Neither of us had a partner for a tag game thing, so we were put together. I honestly don't know how we became friends, but we did.
Thus formed the Ninjago Squad.
All was right with the world for that short moment. Sure, Anthony and I were still mad at each other, but that just became normal. (bad. suicide. hurt.) Monica and I fought on occasion but still respected each others company.
Then at some point, the school counsellor came to talk to our class about suicide and self-harm. Remember how I'm scared of counsellors? Yeah, this added to it. She told us about how she had adopted a daughter with depression, and soon she nearly got over it. Then she started cutting again. She cut too deep and bled out. I remember thinking, 'People hurt themselves? Kill themselves? Why would they do that?' (you. kill yourself. you hurt others.) It was baffling to me at the time.
Note the words, 'at the time.'
Because soon after, I knew the music teacher would get mad at me. We had a practice before lunch, and I broke a brand new reed. Again. I didn't want her to get mad at me. Everyone gets mad at me. (madmadmadmadMADMADMADMADDISSAPOINTED) I always carry a mathematical compass in my pocket. One never knows when one needs to draw a perfect circle. I took it out at the tree behind the school.
(lines. pain is good. pain is bad. pain means alive.)
(Hannah, first of all why are you looking over my shoulder! Privacy, i mean i dont look over your shoulder, and also, how are you even monica's friend? You dump glitter on her, hit her and other people too. I remember when Ms.Frey came to talk about suicide thoughts and we shouldn't do it, you said you didnt want to hurt people, and of course you are... you still bring pain to other people. Umm you okay, you dont want to hurt people and you still do, so of course monica thinks your stupid and mean! I would think the same too if i was monica. seriously. try being nice, maybe thats when you can get some other friends, thats why I didnt want to be your friend anymore.
Because you always hurt me .....)
I did go to band class that day. The music teacher did not get mad at me, as I thought she would. I didn't get to play though. It's spring. Short sleeve weather. It was really dumb of me to do that then. A girl in my class named Becca asked if I cut myself. I didn't respond.
To add to the mix, my brain practically decided, 'Oh, look. She's kinda cute, isn't she? You'd love to date her.' And then I was bi. Thanks, brain, for adding one more thing for me to worry about.
Of course, my parents saw the lines. I told them it was one of our cats, Boots. Boots has some problems, one of them being pain. It's hard for him to jump down from beds. My parents were skeptical, but they bought it. Heavy sigh of relief there.
Over the summer I felt a new emotion for the first time. Regret. I never wanted to hate Anthony, but it happened anyway. For another summer, Anthony was the only thing on my mind. The only thing different was that this time, I wanted him back. I decided that as soon as school started up again, I would apologize for being such a jerk.
Life has a funny sense of the word karma.
Anthony was nowhere to be found on the first day of school, the day that we met our class. For the first time, I was in Lilly's class. (hate. slap. hang.) Anthony stayed absent for the whole first week. Then I learned. He had moved out of the province. (my fault. my fault. MY FAULT.) I was crushed. He only remembers me of the selfish jerk I was.
At least I still had Lilly.
(had. had. had.)
There was an international student in our class this year, from Mexico. Her name was Camila. I never really talked to her when we first met. Then again, I had never really talked to Liam or Anthony. Somehow we became friends.
I was playing bassoon in linear band.
I never experienced joy. I just got so good at pretending that I myself nearly believed it. We had an early snow that year. November. It was Camila's first snowfall. That was the day I first got detention. Playing in the snow to celebrate Camila, Canada, and everything else. It was kinda scary, to be honest. I hated room 31 with a burning passion after that.
Soon the snow melted, not to reappear until December. (November. 'just help me'. didn't.)
The day was November 22nd. I woke up feeling ... truly happy. I hadn't the slightest idea of why, however. When it came to lunch, I realized. My hand seemed to have a mind of its own as it wrote the note. I walked to the back of the field. I tightened the scarf.
Any minute now.
I collapsed to the grass, gasping for breath but nothing coming. I was about to pass out...
This is the greatest mystery of all. I don't even know the answer. Why I untied it. Why I searched for Camila. Why I asked her to help me. Why I showed her my scars.
And why she showed me hers.
It turns out Camila was depressed as well. I never learned why. She left in December to go back to Mexico. I only talked to her once since then.
Remember that U18 team I said I was subbing for earlier? I was officially part of the team. I had a team jacket and everything. I grew closer to Emma than anyone else. Close enough to develop a small crush on her. We went to zones for U18 Provincials and made it. We would go to Provincials in March.
I missed Kaylee and Liam, but we still talked through Gmail and Hangouts, later on with Discord.
Soon March arrived, and the team left for a week out of town. I installed Doki Doki Literature Club on my laptop, completely not giving a damn about content warnings. I played whenever I had the chance.
There were two beds and four people, so we shared beds. Emma and I in one, Erika and Cindy in the other. One night, I told Emma. I don't know why. She caught me crying and asked what's wrong. I told her. I would've said more if Cindy hadn't said, "Shut up." And, naturally, we shut up. She was our mother, after all.
Ah, what an experience Provincials were. We played the best U18 teams from across the province and came 5th. 5th! Not too shabby, considering we were the only people to beat the team that went to Nationals. That, in my opinion, was a success. Especially considering I was thirteen.
We headed back that Saturday, determined to do better next year. Or maybe that was just me. (next year. dead. dead.)
Things were normal until I had to speak with the school counsellor about suicidal thoughts. Apparently, someone ratted me out. I never learned who. I barely talked. When it was over, I went to go to Home Ec and make cream puffs. My parents learned about this and we had a little chat, but I think they forgot.
June. Our next stop. The end of school was upon us, and we all wanted to get the heck out of there and into high school. One time, I wanted to play the most suicidal game there is. Hangman. Lilly agreed, but only if they played Hang The Lilly. "See, here's the noose right here..." And then I slapped her. Not hard, but hard enough. I learned not too long ago that she stopped talking to me because I was a depressed jerk, to sum it up.
Wham. The only way to even come close to what I was feeling emotionally to physically is with a story.
I was about eight or nine when I was downstairs. My mum said that we had to go out, I can't remember the reason, but I do remember I wanted to look cool in front of my little sister. I stepped on the wood chair and was about to jump off when I slipped. Back of the chair landed right in between my legs. I guess I'm lucky that I'm a girl, but it still hurt like heck. Now imagine that in your heart and your head. Ten fold. That about sums it up.
I lost my best friend. My friend from the beginning of middle school. Second to see my arms. First to go to when there's trouble. Now she's gone.
It's currently July 26, 2018. 2:59 pm. My story may have ended, but it will go on for a short while longer.
(NOVEMBER 22. NOVEMBER 22. 12:00. NOVEMBER 22. NOVEMBER 22. NOVEMBER 22.)
I know this story wasn't as sad as others may be, but this has been my story. It's an absolutely true story, no doubt about it. And now you know that as you breathe, there's someone out there who fears only one day.
Edit: It's now October 22, 2018. 2:04 pm. I'm fourteen now, and in high school. Lilly still isn't my friend. She doesn't want to be. School's being kinda rough. I guess I wasn't fully prepared for the transition.
Curling started again. I have a team with Monica (my sister, not my friend), and two of my friends, Jemma and Marie in Inter-City. We're also going to try for U18. Will we (I) make it? Probably not. But we're going to have fun trying.
I haven't talked to Emma for so long. I miss her.
I have a crush on a girl in my Careers and Socials classes. The name that I will give her is Vivian. She's flipping adorable. But I think she's straight.
I don't exactly have help yet, but I think I'm getting better.
Thank you for all your support.
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CommentsPost a Comment
07 Aug, 2018 05:47 AM
I know what it's like to lose someone. I lost a friend in middle school and it wasn't nice at all. One thing that i experienced lately is sadness. Sadness, but i never got to the point of harming myself. The thought that prevents me from doing so and discards that as any option is the fact that god gave us this body. Beautiful and full of purpose. Who are we to harm it and take it away? There's always someone to turn to, that could be me or anyone. Believe in god and try chanting this peace mantra which has helped me: Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare.
22 Aug, 2018 08:07 AM
Damn,well I have to say that I reed this story when I was depressed. I just finished. And if you need help going throw something I would be glad too help you. Who knows maybe we can help each other and became friends. Take care ?
29 Aug, 2018 07:02 AM
I completely understand how you feel. I have known what it’s like to be hated by society and the few friends I thought I had. Most think I’m a freak, and aggressive but I’m really just lonely and don’t know how to deal with friendships.
I hope things work out for you! You’ve done amazing to make it this far with all the problems you have had to face. Keep on trying. If your ‘friends’ don’t like you then show them you are better then that!
Because your story shows that you are better that them.
03 Sep, 2018 01:50 AM
I was just wondering, what do you mean by November 22nd? Considering you said your story will go on a little while longer, i hate to say this word but are you referring to suicide?
I know how it feels...
But giving up now means you will never get the chance you could have had with your life!
Look, I think Ninjago is an amazing show (no kidding - it’s actually my favourite!) and I also think that you are misunderstood. Your story and my life are very much alike! I’m sure if we knew each other we would be great friends!