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Not Enough to Love

Clary Barns

07 Feb, 2017 05:39 PM

There was a small moment in which I thought I was gonna be okay, but then it all came crashing down. My heart was taken and shattered, my head was filled with so many questions yet to be answered, and all of a sudden I was losing everyone.
I sit here, looking back on it now, and it hurts...a lot. I don't see how this could happen. But I really shouldn't be surprised, it happens all the time actually. I get happy, for a while and then boom, it all comes crashing down. And every time it hurts more.

It started with an agreement. I agreed to be his fuck toy, and that was a huge mistake. He kissed me and suddenly I found my self addicted to it, needing more, wanting more. I would be with him whenever I could, learning more about him, falling more in love with him, we would sneak off and have sex, he would say he loves me and make so many promises to be there, even if in the end this doesn't work. This became our thing. Saying I love you and pinky promising on it. Then suddenly things change. I don't know why or how, but it does. For some reason, he will barley talk to me, or look at me. He has so little care in holding my hand and when he does, it doesn't feel the same. He is distant, quiet, And it un-nerves me, scares me even. He leaves and I cry, waiting for the moment he decides to leave. I call him and he say's he can't do this anymore. That he doesn't love me anymore. I cry harder than I have in a long time. I try taking my life, but then instantly regret it. I see him the next day, and he treats me like a stranger. What did I do? Why are you doing this? I feel guilty as if I did something wrong.

He barley looks at me, let alone talk. I lost the one person I felt remotely close to, the one person who helped with my depression, the one person who made me smile.

a week pasts, I'm kinda better, but there are moments I break, and can't help but fall to my knee's in defeat. he kind of talks to me now, but you can tell he doesn't want to. He never wants to anymore.

another week pasts, and I get off the phone with my father, he just said he no longer wants to be apart of my life, that he doesn't want to see me. and I go back to hurting. Like I said, I start to be slightly happy, and something happens to ruin it for me. He hasn't talked to me in awhile, this is the longest we have gone without talking, my father and I...
I don't know why, I don't know why people don't want to be in my life or be there, or why they leave, but it hurts like a bitch, and I just want it all to stop...I want to be loved and wanted, I don't want to lose anyone else. I'm tired of losing people. I'm tired of it all.

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kiplangat Nathan says:
06 Apr, 2017 08:41 PM

come to me baby

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Kate says:
08 Apr, 2017 05:04 PM

may whatever strength that has kept you going never fail you. it'll surely get better. you'll find that person who will stay with you for real. never give up hope.!

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Camille says:
19 Apr, 2017 09:41 PM

I love it

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Kari says:
25 Apr, 2017 02:39 PM

*Sigh* That sucks...I really hope things get better

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