I'm sorry23 May, 2015 11:55 AM
It's like im stuck in this deep dark hole of sadness... Questions surround me like, will i ever be happy again? How do i be happy? Statements like, i want to be happy again just flood my brain.
16 years of age, 3 year batteler of depression. For the past three years i have always debated on killing myself. Attemps were made, but my strength got the better of me. But now, its like nothing before. I am worse than i was, i am more sad than i was and really i am more scared than i was.
Looking at blades are something so usual now. Cutting into my skin is something so daily. It's like it's a daily routine.
I feel as though its time. Time to leave. Cutting is like it was so three years ago, crying too. It's time to end all pain. Im sick and tired of sitting here repeating the same thoughts for the next few years...
Walking downstairs still debating wether im making the right choice or not, i enter the kitchen, open the cutlery drawer and get a hold of a sharp wide edged knife. To make sure i really was leaving i swallowed twenty three sleeping tablets. I stab myself. Right in the heart. As my last word was goodbye...
Rose (Melania's mother)-
Eight days later was Melania's funeral. Fourty seven of her friends attended. Crying and sobing while their pain begun. Melania didn't have a best friend. But she had a close friend, Liv. Liv wanted to say a speech to Melania's family and friends at her Melania's funeral. As it was her time to speak she walked up to the michrophone and spoke the words "Melania in my eyes was and still is my best friend. I know in hers she didn't see me like that because i was close to so many others. We shared the funniest and happiest memories together. Even though she felt horrible inside she never showed her true emotion towards her friends and family. Four days after she passed away i went to visit her family. I approached her bedroom and sat on her bed re-reading our text messages. I remembered two days before the suicide i had gotten an email, but i never opened or read it. I opened the email and it was from Melania. It said "Dear Liv, you would do me great pleasure if you read this message at my funeral. Im sure there are some sitting/standing here today listening to what my family and friends have to say about me thinking im selfish for what i have done. But right at this moment i want to make you understand why. People say that ending someone's pain begins other's. Yeah that maybe true but i surley don't believe that. If all you attending my funeral this day wanted me to just be happy. Your wish has come true. Im happy at rest and im sure i will watch over you and try my hardest to protect the ones that i love. But just because im gone physically doesn't mean im gone mentally. Many of you said to me "i can't imagine a day without you" or "i can't imagine life without you". I really hated the way you all said that to me because now you will be not just imagining but you will be living a life without me. Don't be sad im gone, just picture it as day not spent with me. I may have caused you to have pain. But i couldnt stand another few years living with pure agony and sadness. Im sorry."