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This is my Story

ADepressedLife

26 Feb, 2015 01:12 AM

(The only reason I'm writing this is because I can't go to sleep and I really don't think many people will read all that bunch of text below this so for personal benefit, I'm doing this to just get it off my chest.)

This is a true story. This is my story.
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It was just after summer holidays, I was 14 years old at the time. Just the first week back into school at the start of September. I didn't mind it, I was just like any other student going back. Just eh, something that has to be done. So the first few days back were fine. Nothing different then any other year. The first few days go by, no problem. Just getting back into the routine of school again.

One day, as I went out into the school yard at lunch time as usual, for no particular reason at all, I decided that I would take it slow today you know, might have been tired or didn't get enough sleep or something, I can't remember. But what I did was, instead of going around with my friends and talking, laughing and playing, I leant against the fence and just kinda watched. I just watched everyone, doing there own thing. Everyones got there own things going on, it was interesting. On the left, there's people playing basketball and stuff, on the right you've got people sat on the floor chillin' and talking. I was just observing and just started thinking:

What the hell are we all really doing here? On this planet I mean. I started questioning the theory of evolution, different religious beliefs and stuff just trying to figure out what's true and what isn't. Basically, I was just overthinking about everything and it lead me to a question, why are we doing this? Why are we growing up, going to school, studying, going to college and then working for our whole lives when we are just going to end up dying? And thats when it hit me.

I realized then, in that moment.
I don't know what I'm doing. Why am I alive? Why should I go to school and get an education for a job and then die whereas I could stay at home, grow up and still get a job, maybe not a good one but still, I'm going to end up dying either way. The end result is the same.
After all that thinking, I questioned everything that happened for the next few days. Is there a god? Is there a heaven? Is this all for nothing?

It was September the 11th, 2012. And things went only downhill from there.
My life had become a dark, deep pit of hopelessness. I didn't feel anything after that. I had no emotion. I was empty. Days went by, days that turned into weeks, things had only gotten worse and at home, I wasn't talking to my parents much. I was just not bothered with anything. I started crying a lot at the thoughts of me having to grow up and do all this shit that has to be done today. I cried alot. Eventually, I realized that I can kill myself. I could just commit suicide and it would be over. Without paying attention to my surroundings, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and because of my brothers being home, I didn't want to kill myself there so I tried running for it out the back door when suddenly my dad had caught a glimpse of the knife in my pocket. Now for him, I assume the thoughts in his mind just questioned my need for a knife and it didn't take long for him to realize that I haven't been the same lately, I've been feeling down and I guess it hit him that I'm going to kill myself. So without hesitation, he got up and rushed towards me. I seen him coming and knowing I won't make it out the door, I tried to stab myself, there and then.

It was too late though, my dad grabbed my hand as it lifted. I realized its all over then. I'm going to have to keep on living, and what's going to happen to me soon, isn't going to be fun.
And how right I was. My parents had brought me to hospital the next day where I met this really nice staff of doctors, nurses and psychologists. I spent 12 days in hospital where I was told, that I have depression. As if there was any doubt. So as the treatment went on the 12 days were just me laying on the hospital bed seeing a doctor once a day and that was really it. I just faked recovery so I could get out. After the 12 days, I was discharged and released from hospital but referred to a child psychologist clinic. Basically, I had to start seeing a shrink. So that happened, I met her, she was nice. And eventually we discussed all the things that were wrong and as days went by, things were only getting more worse and hopeless for me. So they decided that I need more urgent help. From there, I was referred to a psychiatric unit. Or in other words, a Mental Hospital.


So on the 24th of January, 2013, I went and served my time in there with 11 other patients suffering the similar things that I was. Everyone was nice and unique. Had there own stories to share. These people were the closest to a good friend I really had. Being treated in that hospital, I actually enjoyed living in there. Things were getting better but there were still days were I would over think and just put myself into a bad mood. Time went on, soon, I was also diagnosed with anxiety, specifically, social anxiety. I hated and still hate being around people. I don't like talking to people, and I can't stand being around to many people. Soon I had trouble sleeping and was put on a lot of medication for that along with the pills I had been taking for depression already.

I spent 3 months and 1 day in the psychiatric unit, one of those days which was my birthday. These 3 months, were the best of my whole life so far. I met so many people, had the best laughs in there and even recovered a bit. There was a week though in hospital, were I had received a call from my friends family, letting me know that my best friend, Ed, had lost his battle to cancer.

Ed was all I had. I spoke to him all the time. He was like an older brother to me. This hit me hard, and in the fragile state that I was in already, I ended up attempting suicide again. This time, all I wanted was the pain to end. So I jumped out of a window, from 3 story's up, and tried landing on my head. Apparently, its not as easy as it seems and I ended up landing on my feet. After that, you can probably guess, I was in a wheelchair for a while, eventually crutches and back on my feet. I was lucky that the impact on my feet was softened by something which I can't remember. Otherwise, I wouldn't be walking today. This was all still during the time I was in that mental hospital. Things stayed the same for a few days after that. I was in a bad mood a lot of the time and eventually, I began seeing things that weren't real. At first I thought its just me being tired or something, but as these visions became more frequent, they eventually turned into voices which shouted at me and taunted me a lot. I told the doctors this and after multiple MRI brain scans, they never told me but I did overhear them multiple times, I have psychosis. (Which is kinda like a schizophrenia) I did some research on it and learnt a bit about it just to be more informed on it after that.

I did get better though, the next few weeks I felt alright, better anyway. I got more happier mostly because of the people there who helped keep me in a good mood. I really liked it in there. But soon, when I realized that I'm going to leave soon, I faked recovery again and got discharged.

Its now summer of 2013, 2-3 months after discharge. 2nd week straight on the internet, gaming and watching movies. I wasn't really happy at the time. Once again, I lost my will to live but secretly kept on going. One day though, I watched a well known movie, "Cyberbully" in which a girl, attempts suicide by overdosing on pills. It was a heart-stopping movie. Shortly after that, it hit me. My medication is downstairs hidden in a very bad hiding spot. The lower kitchen cabinet. I went down and grabbed all the packets of my medication. Went back upstairs, and ate whole shitload of it. The antidepressants, sleeping tablets, antipsychotics, the whole lot. And shortly after that, I felt a horrible ache in my stomach. It eventually got so bad I started groaning and when my family found me and realized what I had done, it was the waiting game for the ambulance to arrive to our house. Lying in agony, dosing in and out of consciousness, I don't remember much after what happened expect for small short periods where I'm talking to the police a bit, then I'm in an ambulance, suddenly I'm in a hospital bed with an extremely bad pain in my stomach and my brain feels like its going to explode.


"Beep, beep, beep, beep.."
The next morning I wake up hooked up to a bunch of medical machinery and shit. I'm back at the same hospital for like the 5th time with a all the nurses, doctors and psychologists. Another 12 days later after recovering from all the pain, I'm discharged.

September 2013.
Summers over and I'm back to school. Now this was a crazy fucking year. The principal had notified my whole class of my suicide attempts and told everyone just to be conscious of me. Of course I wasn't there at that time and heard it from a friend. I was a freak to this class. They thought I was some fucking psycho. I didn't give a shit what happened to me anymore. I cursed, I had fights, I shouted at students, teachers, the whole lot. I didn't care anymore. I got into so much trouble that I eventually hit that point were I'm one more incident away from being expelled. So I decided that fuck it, I'll behave then if its that much trouble to you people.

I completed that whole year in which I was also aware that I had developed an eating disorder without really knowing it, and I was also being tested for DCD, a brain coordination disorder. That year in school was just the same shit again. Nothing really interesting.

The next year though, 2014, in school. I gave up on being hopeless and shit. I wanted to recover. I wanted to be happy again. So I tried. I really did. I said hello to everyone, I did good things for myself and really had a chance. But then the voices came back, I started seeing things again and I was back down to shit. I stopped taking medication months ago because I didn't believe it helped anymore aswell. I was recommended life time on that shit but that wasn't going to happen.

I told my shrink everything. All that was happening, as new years went by. I was referred into a day hospital. This is very recent from me writing this. Its 2015 now, and I go to visit this day hospital and it was horrible. I went once, and I'm not going back. It was in no way going to help me so I didn't want to go. I've been in this mental health recovery shit long enough that I can tell if something is going to help me or not. And this wasn't something I was going to do.



I'm all caught up now. I'm living to this day still, trying to recover. Hoping to recover. Because I want to get better but another side of me just wants to give up. I just want to die. I hate everything at this point. I don't care anymore but if there's something out there that's going to help me, I'm going to try it. I really don't know anymore though. I'm tired. I'm tired of everything. I see everyone around me and they all seem, happy.
Normal.
That's what I've always wanted to be, normal.

But how can I ever be normal? I'm a freak. I'm weird. I'm a loser. I can't be normal. I'm almost 17 now, and the thoughts that I have to keep on living, just hurts my head.

I don't want this anymore.
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This is just a story to just get out what's in my head. May it be good or not, I don't care. I'm glad I got all that out. Excuse any misspellings and my bad writing style.

PLEASE NOTE THAT EVEN THOUGH THIS IS A TRUE STORY, SOME PARTS HAVE BEEN ALTERED TO HIDE IDENTITIES.

I can sleep now, I can sleep in peace.

UPDATE ON 19/07/15:
Hello everyone, I just want to quickly update you all on whats going on since everyone seems to always ask me here, and on twitter. Ever since I posted this story on this website 5 months ago, I've actually been getting better. My life has improved alot and things are looking up for me. I'm having a great summer so far and I hope everyone is too. I love coming on here and seeing such helpful and motivational comments, and I do read each and EVERY SINGLE ONE of your comments :). Thank you to everyone who cares and thank you to the creators of this site for keeping my story in the featured section, it really means alot to me and shows that people care. If you want to get in touch with me and talk or whatever you want, I would be more then happy to have a chat with you guys on twitter, @ADepressedLife.

Have a good day everyone!

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Kwabena says:
04 Mar, 2015 01:15 AM

Hello Sweetie, let me start by saying, you are not a looser, a psycho nor a weirdo .. you're ultimately the best thing that is about to happen to this earth.

Let me hasten to say this lest I forget, ending your life here doesn't mean you have ended it. There is another world that can be extremely worse than this if you don't get it well here. Sweetie, u can get better, God has made u live all these while because you're meant to live and be the best, are u blind? can't you see that?

deep down within you there is this voice that keeps telling you you're worthy of life and happiness and that is so true ..


You asked why God brought you here, now listen, and listen to me very carefully;
If there are millions of people under your care and you realise they are all dying of Ebola, and happen to get the cure for Ebola, what will you do? will you not quickly send the cure to the people?

That is who you are Sweetie, you are the cure to the many hurt and sadness of people, you're the one to bring joy back to them. God brought you down here, because you're the cure .. refuse to let any voice demean you, you're God's best.

stand up and fight for your purpose, let the hero deep down within you awaken .. you're happiness, stop searching and begin to see what is already very close to you.
step out and listen to the songs of the birds, they are all singing about you, the trees clapping for you .. you're the hope of this world and you have to start seeing it.


You're better than the best person in this world, and all the good stuff are in you. Just open your eye and see it. why then do you think the devil want to cause to kill yourself? so that this world will be devoid of its hope.

OPEN YOUR EYE MY DEAR, YOU ARE OUR HOPE, YOU ARE THE HOPE OF THIS WORLD.


Pls feel free to contact me lilsoul10 @ yahoo. com

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Natasha says:
04 Mar, 2015 06:59 AM

I question the same thing. We go to school, go to work, and then die. We are a slave to money then we die. If not for my kids, what purpose is there? Mine was sex

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Aura says:
05 Mar, 2015 11:08 PM

Hello there ,

I dont even know how I ended up in this website or even choosing your article out of all the many there is to chose , something about this one caught my attention.
I gathered a lot of things from your story and if you want I would just like to speak to you whenever you feel like it(if you want ) , don't worry I'm not a doctor nor a psychologist or anything along those lines . I just want to help.

Kind Regards , Aura

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ADepressedLife says:
06 Mar, 2015 11:14 PM

Thank you for all the comments, Very appreciated! If you would like to get in contact, you can follow me/message me on Twitter @ADepressedLife :)

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sallie says:
07 Mar, 2015 04:54 AM

hey there honey, you can't keep on trying to end your life that's being selfish what about the people who love you,your family and friends,believe that you'll get through it but first you got to trust, have faith in GOD, pray hard and try out to socialize and sometimes its good when your open, i know this organization BIG BROTHER BIG SISTER,, it helps kids like you..if u tried to commit suicide so many times and your still alive trust that you have a purpose in this world,God has plans. Praying for you.

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sallie says:
07 Mar, 2015 04:58 AM

your story is touching, we can be friends feel free to contact me 240 606 7051

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Rhola Estadilla says:
08 Mar, 2015 05:14 AM

Hi..this is the first time i went to this site and this is the first article that i read..to tell you honestly the help that you were looking for was there all the time..instead of you worrying on what will happened in the future or ask questioned why we need to do the thngs that we do today.why dont you start praying with GOD.I see you as a strong person and you have the capability to do things correctly.Be strong enever give up.its not the number of medicines that you take,or the hospital that you go that will make you better.Its YOU who can make it happened.Believe in yourself and the people around you will follow.I myself i had a lot of problems with my life.But i never stop believing that GOD will find a way to make things better for us.Now its up to us how to handle things .One great gift that GOd has given us is the FREE WILL..theres no such thing as NO CHOICE..cause we always have a choice.regardless how difficult the situation is we will always have a choice.I pray for your recovery and hope that your next story is a story of recovery.THANKS

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Amandala says:
11 Mar, 2015 05:18 PM

I have never been to a psychiatric hospital or anything, but the same question plagues me. Why are we here? What am I supposed to do, why am I alive? Should I be alive?

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Rhea says:
13 Mar, 2015 07:14 AM

Giving up are for losers dude! Which you are sooooo not trust me becuz losers dun do brave things .. Which u did by tellin ur story.. I lv u bro v ol do don't give up on livin world is a beautiful place visit places fall in lv so mch to do sweets :) will be waiting fr ur reply .

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Aardwark says:
13 Mar, 2015 10:57 PM

Well... for most of people who think why they are alive, why should thy study etc etc. it is, GOD gave this world for us for a trial. To believe in him, like praying etc. He tests whether we believe in devil or their god. And by the way, committing a suicide is the worst decision in life. You dont understand the feelings of other people. Especially your parents, imagine, after losing their kid, they look in their room where they lay, they see their lovely kid playing happily, they dream every day, wept horribly all day, missing their child...

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Luna says:
15 Mar, 2015 06:09 AM

I know. It's hard. I over thought things just like you. But it gets better. You won't be the complete same but it's better than nothing.

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Someone says:
17 Mar, 2015 02:36 AM

I question the same thing: what is the point of living if we all die in the end. If God really exists.
I have a very close friend of mine that also deals with depression, we hang out at youth group and she expressed how she feels like she is screaming at God for help but he turns away.

This friend of mine blah blah yeah I'm not the star i don't care, and i know your aware your not the only one and stuff but who cares, anyways my friend she cuts, punches walls nothing all too extreme but it can be scary her sister just died, she attempted suicide, she was harassed 3 years ago, beat up at school by a... I don't swear... Well i do just not on Internet... Yeah people deal with crap same as you.

This is the first time on this site and this is one of the first i read and first i commented on. I am saying i question the same as you, but if you take your own life away, altering the future. Yes i am "encouraging" or whatever but i would love to be friends.

Sorry if this seemed at any old annoying cheering stupid average comment but i agree wholeheartedly with you.

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Adam says:
19 Mar, 2015 06:57 AM

Thank you very much, this is one of the BEST stories, I feel so bad, I always thought I sucked. Everything. But now I've found somebody who has a worser problem. I feel for you. Really sorry. :( Plz get help this story has made me cry :( your the best please keep going. my motto is JUST KEEP GOING, plz don't try to die

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John says:
21 Mar, 2015 07:33 AM

I don't know about "God", but I'm certain you're good. What gets me thru is focusing on the really messed up people and ideas of this world. Look for and fight against injustice in any form, if it doesn't suit you, it'll surely give you something positive to look back on when you're feeling really shitty! I wish you the best

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Marina says:
22 Mar, 2015 06:53 PM

Hey,

I just wanted to say that I have such a similar story to yours and it somehow shocks me that in these moments you can feel so alone when there are so many other people with similar situations. I know that things get better, but at the same time you always have this part deep inside you that will never let go of the past and will always feel some sort of nostalgia to the dark days. I think youre really brave. Hang in there.

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Sadia says:
25 Mar, 2015 07:39 AM

I don't really know what to say...I know at timex life getx really difficult but we shouldnt really stop hoping...
May you get peace and happiness in life...Bless you...

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hannah says:
12 Apr, 2015 06:03 AM

Okai listen something kinda similar happened to me I just stopped I don't know what happened I just didn't feel like living anymore so I did some things and my best friend caught me and told on me the thing is I'm kinda younger like 14 but if it wasn't for her I would not be here today

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sam daley says:
17 Apr, 2015 09:42 PM

This is just like my life except for the hospitals. I've tried suicide attempts without my parents knowing and when it fails I lie to them. I haven't told anyone and just live my life in quiet silence. One thing I can say though is just think of the people who you would hurt if you were to kill yourself. Anyone who tells you to put on a happy face should eat a rusty nail.

You won't get better
Just try not to get worse

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tilak says:
18 Apr, 2015 03:28 PM

It kind of remids me of my own life...i have been on self harm...evrery thing sucks ....i have forgotten how to laugh ...i feel im a complete failure ...i do look gud ..i have NO talent ...i suck at academics...just wanna end it badly..

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Alan says:
19 Apr, 2015 10:48 PM

Hey your story is basically a replica to what is going on w me except for the voices and visions, I do have friends but none of them are close to me um idk can u help me

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Alan says:
19 Apr, 2015 10:49 PM

My Instagram account is shrektislife

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maria says:
22 Apr, 2015 10:41 PM

Hi there... the same is the case wid my elder bro. He is into depression n medication is going on.. but still he tries to attempt suicide n cuts his wrists... hes been admitted to hospital lot many times... hes a patient of schizophrenia. . My parents were always worried about him... but now hes is recovering... I know how it feels... u please hav ur medicines on time.. u will recover soon... don't try to attempt suicides. . Coz there r ur parents ur family who are always worried for u n love u more than anything in the world.. make them happy and spend time wid them, go in holidays... take care ... I will pray for u...

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rocket says:
24 Apr, 2015 05:58 AM

hey bro. i suffer from multiple personality disorder, and that shit aint easy either... eventually i made peace with the others and found a purpose for myself... thats what you gotta do. keep yourself busy. take your mind off of it... and find peace with yourself. screw religion and reason. just find somethin you enjoy, and never stop.

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Arma says:
25 Apr, 2015 09:55 AM

Hello!
Bro!!
It seems that u r having all the abilities to live life..
U should study about Islam,and u will find the answers of all your questions.....
You can also ask for guidance from Dr.Zakir.:-)

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Scarlet says:
25 Apr, 2015 04:17 PM

Hey girl I know you have gone through alot but you should not try to end your life.The fact that you have tried to kill yourself a number send f times and failes means that GOD has plans for you,he is not ready for you to leave yet.There is something that he has kept you here for and that's for you to figure out,what it is.Don't feel bad about yourself because you are very important and please remember what I'm about to say,REMEMBER THAT THERE IS AT LEAST ONE OR MORE PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE DEVASTATED IF YOU DIED SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO LIVE FOR YOURSELF TRY TO AT LEAST LIVE FOR THEM BECAUSE THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO LOVES YOU ???? INCLUDING ME I'm quite younger than you I'm just 13 you have a great life In front of you YOLO don't waste your chance of life because you have only live once ????????????

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Amin says:
27 Apr, 2015 07:51 AM

Hey , I'm really feeling bad for u and I'm glade that u can sleep nw and have peace with youselff but I can advise youu to read the Quran I'm not forcing u or something but just try to read it , there was an american guy once feeled just like u and when he reds the quran he felt well , friend :)

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swabra preta says:
28 Apr, 2015 03:58 PM

sweat heart don,t worry every thing happens for a reason buh you will be fine

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Oscar says:
29 Apr, 2015 12:12 AM

Ok like people need to stop posting all this religion shit (sorry if I use a lot of profanity it's just for me a stronger way of expressing emotion)

But putting religion aside( I had a lot written out before this but the website said it was spam), lemme give you my response(And I'm not going to sugarcoat it)

Life is a fucking bitch. She laughs at the world and especially humans. She preys on the "weak" and gives them the burdens of life. At least she thinks they're the weakest. Ok sometimes you gotta be a bitch right back to life. Don't say, "why me?" Say, "try me" when life gives you lemons say, "bitch I don't need your shit. Ima make my own shit" Ok?

Look I don't know if you're even going to read my comment but I hope you do. And as cheesy as it might sound, try listening to music. Just try listening to all different types of music when you're feeling de blues. Believe me when I say it'll work. When you listen to music try to find a type that matches your mood. Then think. Daydream. Plus try to find a girl. You don't have to go out with her. Just find a girl who seems to understand you somewhat. Idk why but liking a girl can actually REALLY improve your mood. Find a girl who makes you feel loved; a girl who gives you motivation; a girl who makes sure that you know you have a place in the world.

The world needs you. You might not ever get better and that's what shit about life. try to make it beneficial. Philosophize.

I don't really have any other advice for you or anything else to say. I'm not going to say "I know what you're going through" because that's the fake shit people say. I will say however that I have a relatively close idea of what you're going through because I myself gone through this and am still suffering from some mild depression and still have the occasional suicidal thoughts. Just know that if you've made it this far, you're strong enough to make it to the end.

Giving up is the easiest thing to do. But to keep your shit together when everyone else would understand you giving up, now that's true courage. this story is not one of courage and bravery. This is a story of life. Courage and Bravery are mere words to describe this story. It would be like calling the sun warm.

FUCK THE GODDAMN WORLD!!! YOU GO AND SHOW LIFE WHAT AN ASSHOLE SHE IS! YOU ARE ONE OF MANY PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE THROUGH THE BULLSHIT OF IT. DON'T LIVE YOUR LIFE TO SATISFY OTHERS EXPECTATIONS. SATISFY YOUR OWN EXPECTATIONS!!!

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luke says:
29 Apr, 2015 03:37 AM

Ok so your not a loser or a psycho, you are you. And ok I admit that life gets hard and sometimes even impossible. But think about this if you did kill yourself and u were fine with it what about the people who care about you like your family and friends and all of the people on this website. We all care about you and your life.

When life gets tuff don't end it power through.
~unknown

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Zii says:
29 Apr, 2015 07:45 PM

You should try to convert into a religion, my religion "Islam" has helped me a lot through many problems. Watch YouTube clips and stuff like that about Islam and you might discover something special and good. Think about it, you didn't die because God gives you several chances in life to understand but once you are dead, you can't turn back...

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Sarah says:
30 Apr, 2015 01:12 AM

Hi You're looking for answer try learning more about Islam I'm not forcing u or anything but I think it'll really help u in fact I know it will. There are do many people I know who have a similar sTory like yourself and they turned to Islam and it really helped them. Try listening to Dr. Zakir Naik on YouTube. Hope it helps you. Stay strong

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Jacob says:
30 Apr, 2015 04:50 AM

Hey don't say that just because of which people don't like u doesn't mean they don't wanna be u.

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Smita meshram says:
02 May, 2015 10:11 AM

You are right,that everyone has to die one day,but there is a life today,try to adjust with everything,be friendly,accept truth.Everything will be allright.

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Whitley says:
02 May, 2015 05:06 PM

Hey,
My name is Whitley. I'm the same age as you and I have felt the exact same way you are feeling right now. For almost my whole life, I have asked the same questions. It just made absolutely no sense to me. Of course, I've never attempted suicide or anything( i was always too afraid) but that doesn't mean I never thought about it. And besides I absolutely love my life! I have an amazing group of friends and my family is everything to me. I just want you to know that you too, can have a life as great as mine is. But suicide is NEVER the answer. It breaks my heart knowing that you have attempted to kill yourself because despite your "diagnostics" you sound like an unbelievably GREAT person and I would love to get to know you better! You see, I am the type of person who, even if I don't know you, I will be more than glad to help you out with anything or just to be there for you as a FRIEND (:
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE email me at whitleyhenry61 @ yahoo.com Please I really would love to talk to you!

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Anna says:
03 May, 2015 03:24 AM

I know a lot of people have said this already but truly God is the answer. I asked the same questions, thought the same thoughts. It just doesn't make sense that this world is all there is cause why do we work so hard all our lives, be famous, fall in love if we all just die?? I asked God to show me if He is real and He has. I had many dreams that night where God revealed Himself to me, I felt His love and knew there had to be more out there than meets the eye. Being a Christian is the best thing that's ever happened, I know when I die I am going to heaven and for now, I have a purpose, to glorify Him. His love is awedome , it consumes you. Just pray and ask God to show you He is real.

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Mercedes says:
03 May, 2015 11:29 AM

Hey
That story really made me think
But look at all the people who are offering you support we all care
Please have faith because some people know a bit about what your going through and want to help so please don't die
Also if you want to have someone to talk to my skype is mercedesmc
I'm looking forward to talking :D

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Anonymous says:
03 May, 2015 11:15 PM

Hello. I want to remain anonymous, but I'm here to tell you that you are definitely not a loser. Or a freak, or anything but you. I'm not trying to force this on you, but God can help you through this. Pray to Him, and He will answer your prayers. It may not be soon, but know that it will happen eventually, when the timing is right. Stay strong, and God bless you.

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ADepressedLife says:
03 May, 2015 11:37 PM

Thank you to everyone for all your helpful and supportive comments! Would just like to let you all know that things are looking up for me and life is a lot better now! You may get in touch with me on twitter @ADepressedLife!

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annonymous says:
04 May, 2015 05:28 PM

I know at times you will feel so low, you just want to die, but please just think: since this is my lowest point things can't get any worse. tell yourself things will get better. - they always do. whether that's in ten minutes or ten years. WAIT. try to have an optimistic take on life and the negative things that happen to you.

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Teeha Soufia says:
05 May, 2015 01:04 AM

Since you were questioning God and like death may I tell you to start looking into Islam. It may answer ur questions

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Ma..am says:
05 May, 2015 05:56 PM

keep going, life gets better!!!! Any stupid Pearson that has called u a freak are all people who should get a life???? You are strong, you are trying!!! Keep going... Because
We have life to face all the challenges. Good luck??

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Hanson says:
06 May, 2015 10:52 AM

Hello!
I just wanted to tell you that God loves you a lot. As a Christian, I do believe that he loves you just as much as he loves me and everyone else.
1 Peter 5:6-7 says: Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
I am glad that you are trying to overcome all these things. I will pray for you. Keep going!

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javier says:
06 May, 2015 09:34 PM

Please contact me. We need to share a few words.
(:

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Abby says:
06 May, 2015 09:59 PM

I never comment on these things ever. I just want you to know even though you don't know me, you can always talk if you need to get things off your chest. I've been through the same kinda thing. Not as awful as you but I hopefully can help. Wishing you a speedy recovery. By the way, no one in this world is normal. Your not a freak or a loser or any of those things, everyone is different xxx

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Friend says:
07 May, 2015 07:59 AM

dont give up in life because life hasn't giving up on u
U went through so many shit that no one she go through at such a young age and I feel sorry that u had to go through difficult obsticals
But their is help for u
Their people that care for u because u are important to them so don't die

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Someone who cares says:
08 May, 2015 04:36 PM

I don't know if you're ever going to read this, but i might as well give this a shot. I've had very similar thoughts to you. What's the point of living if in the end everything we do will cease to have any importance, and to tell you the truth I don't have an answer. But the closest thing I have gotten to an answer is what Gandhi once said, "everything you do in this life will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it". Whenever I am thinking these thoughts I remember these words and it really does help me because as much as I don't believe in any religion I do maintain the belief that there is something beyond death and for that reason why not allow your self to be happy in this life even if it is just temporary it still feels good in that moment and for me that is important. Hope I managed to help a little?

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Summer says:
08 May, 2015 07:02 PM

You keep your life because all the people that love you and care for you will be heart broken and then they might do the same things so LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST TO YOUR LIKING.!!!!!!!!!!!!

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zedd says:
10 May, 2015 06:48 PM

Hello bro. Never give up, remember all the things made you this far. You're 17 now and for sure you've been through a lot of bad things as you said, but yet youre still alive. There's a reason why your still here in this world. Believe me there's a lot of people are suffering to worst things but still they still manage to live life even it's so hard sometimes. You have family right? And they loved you. So don't let them loose you. Do your best to be a better person. Someday all those pain you felt, will fade away. And when that day comes I'm sure your going to laugh at it. :) take care . there's always hope for those who believe.

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John says:
12 May, 2015 09:18 PM

Careful.

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GOOD PIECE OF ADVICE says:
13 May, 2015 12:02 AM

Hey,
I can't say I've been there or so. I did think about suicide, a lot. I first kept myself from doing anything stupid because I thought it would destroy the people who loved me. Then I thought I'd be dead anyhow, so why care? (I don't believe in a life after death.)I procrastinated as usual, to see how much worse it could get, and one day I decided I wanted to get better. I slowly started to get my shit done.
But what really changed everything was LSD. Maybe you should try it. Thanks to that experience, I realized I will never kill myself, because even in pain, I found some sort of bliss. LSD changes your perspective. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm alright. I can feel and see what makes life worth the pain. Or why the pain is beautiful.
Not sure you'll discover the same wisdoms I did, but it will sure change something about your life, if only an experience more on your "before I commit suicide again checklist". It's not like you have that much to loose anyway, and it's okay to take desperate measures. It's a lot of fun too, if that is a word you'd like to understand again.
LSD, or the dream that wakes you up for your nightmare.
Good luck finding some! It's worth the effort

Sweet dreams and best wishes,
Fiona

(Make sure you don't die a virgin. If you don't get a girl to sleep with you, don't dramatise and just try and understand why that might be. Maybe you could shower a little more and fake you're a normal nice guy for a date or four. It's okay to fake it to get into their panties, kind of everyone does it, even women. It's like a trade: you being nice, she being sex.
At least that's how a lot of people do in France


I hope nobody is going to take this comment in a bad way. I'm no dealer and no sexist or so, just trying to help, really. Nobody believes people are actually nice anyway :)

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GOOD PIECE OF ADVICE says:
13 May, 2015 12:06 AM

hahahaha sorry, i meant: "LSD wakes you up FROM your nightmare"

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marie says:
13 May, 2015 12:19 AM

your brave, sometimes giving up is just saying your brave enough to actually let go. don't stop trying. There are those around you that would gladly help. your not a freak, your anything but that. You have made it this far, you can still go on. It can get worse or it can just get better. keep trying sweetheart! There are so many things to laugh, and smile about, you just need to see them!

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Jason says:
13 May, 2015 07:41 PM

Never give up. The world needs us, even if it seems that the world just wants to crush you. You prove everyone that you are strong, stronger than anything the world has ever seen.

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???????????????? says:
14 May, 2015 02:47 AM

Your gonna recover you'll find Love and have all that shit a girl wants. Sometimes I think why We go to school grow up and get a job just to end up dying but then I'm like who gives a fuck more tv.

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Helper says:
14 May, 2015 06:57 PM

Hy, i donot know who u r .. just wanna tell u that my story is bitter like u and m also 17 , just wanna give u suggestion that donot lose hope alway beleive in the one created u and try to be happy for not ur self but for one love's u ..

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Clare says:
15 May, 2015 04:11 AM

Hey,
I read your story and was very touched by it. I know life is hard and sometimes I don't even understand why I'm here. I am also struggling with a deep sadness in my heart. I lost my cousin (6 years) to lukiemia and recently I lost my grandma to a stroke, and I also lost my uncle to cancer, i have dealt with so much loss. I had to move from California to Vermont and leave all the people I really cared about. So I understand true sadness. But I am here to tell you that there is a purpose for life. Jesus (God) came to earth and died for our sins and if you choose to ask him into your life, you will be changed forever. If you look around you will see a phone or a store or something like that... All that stuff is temporary... Life is temporary... But God is ETERNAL. If you truly confess your sins and ask God to come into your life he will change you forever and you will have an eternity in heaven. And heaven is beyond words I can't wait to see it. But know that You do not have to do good works to get into heaven... I screw up all the time! And know that all sins are equal there is no sin worse than the other... So lying and murder are equal... If you committed murder and you ask God to forgive you HE WILL! Same with lying! Trust me he will change you life forever he has GREAT plans for you... You are special you are loved and you are wanted! You are here for a reason and do not forget that.... Btw I'm 14 ??

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fadzai says:
15 May, 2015 07:48 PM

hie ,we have never met before but i think i now know you .first and foremost i have fallen in love with your story and liked you as a person ,i understand you dont have a reason to live nobody understands you and nobody seem to care but have you ever asked yourself after attempting so many suicides why are you still alive theres a reason that u dont know about ,if you must know there are so many people begging God for a life right now.i just want to give you reasons to carry on first God loves you thats why he is keeping you and mybe you are going to be a father of someone special.there is a girl somewhere that God is keping for you ,we live for love ,we live for those that love us ,you lived so that you can inspire people like me i know you thought writing this was a waist of time but it wasnt ,why dont you make this your habbit write everything that you feel you never know who you will help ,i tell you you are incredible you just dont know it ,about those voices my advice is start praying and go to church ,i will personally pray for you that god will give you a purpose ,like he did to me ,i thot there was no reason for living but there are plenty luv u take care

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Emi48 says:
16 May, 2015 07:57 PM

I suffered depression but I never told anybody except my best friend. The reason I told her was because I knew she wouldn't tell but try to help me secretly. And anyway, I was attempting suicide too much. The day before I told her, I tied my robe thing around my neck and attempted to hang myself but my cat came in and paced around my room. I took one look at her, got down, stroked her and burst into tears. I told my best friend the next day and she gave me a 'sanity bracelet' I gotta admit, it helped for a bit but then my dad threw it away and I sunk into depression again. That best friend is no longer my friend because she goes out with MY crush who she knew I liked. So really I'm feeling the same. Nobody likes me. I'm a loser who suffers depression. I have no friends. And thanks for the idea of pills, I ve got to try that. I'm sorry about your best friend and how the kids in your class feel about you. But I like you and I don't think you're a weirdo :)

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Doughnut154 says:
17 May, 2015 08:10 PM

Hi u probqbly wont read this but i juzt wanted to say that well im 11 and my friend suffereed from depression so i know a bit like hiw u feel. I just wana say God created u for a reason and u should live ur life u know like YOlo but the point is just start fresh and remembrr there is always someone who can help whether its family or friends just good luck
:) i would tell u my name but i csn give to much detail good luk

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venuh says:
19 May, 2015 08:24 AM

u need not worry... god have plans for every1

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shosa says:
20 May, 2015 08:01 PM

I dont know if u will ever see this...but i just want u to know,look i was in same shit...i tried to do a suicide 2x but i failed and i have tried it cuz my mom tried to kill me when i was lil....even though i still dont know whats the point in life and so on but look my mum tried to kill me and i have no contact with my dad for almost 16 years now and im still breathin just trying to live somehow....its quite a shitty life but i dont think i can manage to do a successful suicide....look if u wanna talk u can add me on fb i love to make new friends from all around the world,my fb name is Sašo Švab i know its kinda weird but just in case u might contact me,i would love to hear more of your life story.peace

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Brandon says:
20 May, 2015 09:36 PM

Im sorry to hear that bro you have so much disoreders

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Savagexx says:
21 May, 2015 04:44 AM

Just trust in God he will guide you the right way don't doubt him just believe he wants you to go through the the depression as a challenge to see if you love him even through all of that. Accept him and he will accept you

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Shane says:
22 May, 2015 02:31 AM

Hey dude! Listen depression is a problem,as we all knows but suicide isn't the solution.So try to enjoy each seconds of your life. Keep smiling and have a good luck for your future.

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lana says:
22 May, 2015 03:51 PM

I also did one susicde attempt. But when I tried, I couldn't. If I die, I will hurt everybody and I decided not to do it. Please do not try to kill yourself. It goes for everybody. You have more to live for. Your parents, your friends, your loved ones. Do you really want to leave them. I believe god saved you. He did though all those attempts. I will be praying for you.I hope you recover.Just know that there is love for you and that there is people that care, including me.???? Someday you could even find someone that could love you to even marry you. I'm 11,and we could be friends????

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Erin says:
23 May, 2015 03:48 AM

U remind me a lot of my best friend and what we r both going thru. Like a lot. We r 14 and our depression started in sixth grade. I also had a suicide attempt of overdosing on pills and jumping and the whole lot. As much as Ik u r tired of hearing this, it WILL get better. Find someone who really cares about u and stick with them. Idk where I would be without my best friend. And we r pushing thru life together. If u get better with someone u will feel much less alone and Ik u can do this cuz u wouldn't be here rn if u couldn't. Stay strong and I'll be sure to pray for u. Do little things that make u happy and hug ppl u love a lot and listen to a lot of music and go outside a lot too

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Divya Singh says:
25 May, 2015 03:35 PM

You're beautiful. Thank You for your story.

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Assi A. says:
25 May, 2015 05:32 PM

Hey, you know what? I can relate with you a lot :-) with your 'philosophizing' (exact, same questions) and allergy to society :-) But instead of pushing me downhill, those questions spurred me to live on because I wanted to know the answers, you know :-) I really understood, and felt, your story; I think we would've been great friends :-D

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Nalong says:
26 May, 2015 06:11 AM

Dear Writer of this story, I got the messages from God that you wish to know all the thing that had happened to us to be born on this earth and finally death facing. God really exists. We have God the Father and God the Mother. We are to going back our hometown as Kingdom of Heaven. Please come to meet God the Mother here to click www.uccspace.net www.watv.org
Loves
Nalong

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Angel says:
28 May, 2015 06:29 PM

Dear ADepressedLife,

Your story has tugged at tear ducts, raised eyebrows, humidified eyes, and changed lives.
Or is it just me?
After reading your story, I cannot believe it. Someone I can relate to. After tearing through novels of 'Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul' I could not take it. All the people in that book...I could not relate to them. They had it easy, though my friend think otherwise.
I have tried to share my story with so-called "friends" only to be ridiculed and told, "You should be grateful you're still alive!"
No...I'm really not.

In the sixteen years I have lived, many counselors and therapists shrugged off my regards of suicide and depression, only to tell me I'm "fine." What is this "fine" they speak of? Is it perfectly normal to cut yourself, cry yourself to sleep, have constant thoughts of how you were to kill yourself, and blocking out the only REAL friend you have in this world?
If this is supposed to be "normal"...
God help me.

Then I saw your story. And I thought, "Oh fuck...someone KNEW it! They KNEW it all along!" And I cried...but not out of sorrow. Out of relief.

You have changed my life. Honestly, if I had not clicked upon your story, my parent's would have found me, a ghost in the snow...if they cared enough to notice my absence.
Do not think you are alone. (Yes, I know, like, a thousand people have told you that you are not alone, but this comes from the heart...whatever is left of this scarred, beating piece of flesh.)
All my life, before I shoot myself in the head or hang from a cold piece of rope, I've always wanted to make a difference...or tell someone THEY made a difference. And now I have that chance. I've always wanted to look up to someone...and now I can.
My soul is now yours, and I am forever grateful for your inspiring woe, ADepressedLife.
I kindly thank you.

-Angel

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IAA says:
29 May, 2015 03:26 AM

No one in this world is a freak, not you, not me, nobody. We are all special, at least in someone's eyes. If you think no one is there for you, think again, there is always someone somewhere rooting for you. I'm not going to post any religious stuff here, it's your choice what you believe in. But I think anyone suffering depression should know that there is someone for you, you just have to look.
And if you really think there isn't, I'm there. Yes, me, the anonymous poster. You can't physically speak to me, but I will personally vouch for anyone who feels this way. You are never alone, remember that.

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XxkiLlmExX says:
29 May, 2015 04:08 PM

Hey, ADepressedLife.
I just wanted you to know that I'm glad you are doing better now.I know my post is late, but I was in therapy for personal reasons. Don't give up on yourself. Do what I do and think of the reason you held on so long. I have younger siblings who'll die without me (I have no father and a careless mother); that's how much I am needed. I can't leave...not yet. And neither shall you. Why are you here, you ask? Go ahead. Ask yourself.
Now tell yourself the first thing on your mind. "I have friends." "I have family." "I don't want to die...just end this pain."
Because I've thought that, too. But I'm still here, and I feel stronger than I have years ago. You would not have believed the condition I was in four years ago...awful hallucinations...I never got out of my bed, not for school, friends, or even to go to the restroom...and three weeks after that, I couldn't get up AT ALL...my mother had to drive me to the emergency room where I found out I had developed Parkinson's Disease. It was the worst four years of my life...but with therapy (movement coordination and depression) and medication, I'm a better person. I learned to accept the fate given to me, and I am proud to say that aloud...or rather type it.

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carlsss says:
30 May, 2015 01:26 AM

your not a loser your beautiful in your own way

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lily says:
30 May, 2015 09:36 AM

Hi I have been through something similar I did self harm for about a year and a half and now I am scared forever just remember that people do lobe you and care for you that is what stopped me I didn't care about me it is what I would do to the people who love and care for me. It started when anti died of cancer which killed me inside because I was so close to her and then a few months later my other anti died which got my older brother really messed up he git into drugs and got extremely violent which also made me more depressed but now I am fine live my life to the full and taking it as I co.es and I still do have bad days but that's life so don't let one bad day wreck your hole life or let it end it because you sound amazing and so brave and with what you have gone through makes me wont to give you a huge hug don't give in always look on the bright side of life.

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shanti says:
31 May, 2015 04:21 AM

whoa!dreadfull xperience...,

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Sarah says:
01 Jun, 2015 03:42 AM

Your story..... No words can explain... Only the way you feel... That was your true feelings... Hopefully you can move on from your past....

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Rchirex D says:
01 Jun, 2015 11:50 AM

We are same bro ... I know what you feel ... I feel it too ... When you are standing alone and watching them play all the bullshit and you know you can't be like them ... Because we are diferent ...

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Kaiden says:
01 Jun, 2015 06:16 PM

Hi, I'm glad everything is going well for you now... I'm just going to say this and listen carefully,
God made you as a part of him, he made you because he wanted you to make a change in this world, he knows that if he took you to Heaven right away, the world would keep all the suicide ppl. But he made you to stay and help them. I'm glad your ok. Now here is another thing, God has you in this world, cuz he knows you're going to MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD ????

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Kaiden says:
01 Jun, 2015 06:19 PM

God had a purpose for you
Before anyone had an opinion ????????????

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Quinn says:
02 Jun, 2015 06:37 PM

I would only kill myself if there was a zombie apocolyspe.

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nothing says:
03 Jun, 2015 09:02 AM

my first attempt to take my own life failed a week ago, im gonna go try again today now that im out of the hospital.. sometimes life is just too much

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mayet says:
06 Jun, 2015 11:10 AM

That questions hit me back . Why does we need to do that things ?? Then end up nothing ? Well , i dont know why does i end up in this story. It kills my curiosity .. Same thing here , at my 16 of age now - its being bored of those redundant things keeping on me .. But you know ?? If you'll just think about it -- you'll realize that we're so BLESSED . Even we dont have those best things , we are also best coz we are unique . So dont lost hope . God has the best plan for you . Continue your journey with God .. :)

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Ella says:
07 Jun, 2015 05:01 AM

Good for you for being able to write about this and share it with people. You are so unbelievably brave and strong to still be trying while going through something like this. And I'm sure everyone says this and you probably won't listen to some teenager on the Internet but you always have someone who loves you, and Eddie would want you to keep living. There is so much more to life than it seems. Keep on trying and feel better :)

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Bessie says:
08 Jun, 2015 06:39 AM

I understand this is long but please read it all:

I just want to tell you, God loves you. God has put all of us here on earth to make a choice. He wants us to make the decision to follow Jesus (his son) as our Lord and saviour. If we choose to follow him when we die it's almost like we are living for the first time. We will go to heaven. And be with him- Jesus. Sometimes God does things we cannot understand (like you having to go through what you did and still are doing) but we have trust that this for the best and one day he is going to make something amazing out of you. I know this may sound stupid and be hard to believe but it's the truth and we all deserve to know it so we can make our decision. Please, trying to kill yourself is going to only drift you further away from God. He wants to be with you, he wants you to believe in him because he will save you from your struggles!!! His son- Jesus- died to save us. He went through ten times the pain we all suffer in this crule world to save us becuase he loves us! I myself have witnessed the miricles of God. I have seen and known people who have suffered as you have and have been saved. They have made the decision to love and follow Jesus and he has then changed their lives forever causing them to do amazing things in their own unique way that no one else can. You are loved. Never forget that. There is someone there for you. My favourite personal way to describe the Lord is "God is like the wind, you can't see him but you can feel him." Stay strong and pray. Ask God to save you, let him in and even if you don't feel him straight away he has a miraculous plan for you that he has for no one else that he desperatly wants to put into action.
By the way, I'm only 14 and have had the privelage to have the Lord in my life. He has changed me forever and I have so much hope for my future. I wish that you could experiance this hope too because it is so possible.
Praying for you always..

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Emily says:
10 Jun, 2015 02:55 AM

I cruces your whole story. Like many others have said, God is the answer. I'm glad things are looking up for you

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callmepsycogirl says:
10 Jun, 2015 04:41 PM

Seriously , well m field of study is SUICIDE . I swear i have tried it , but in the end when i really came close to dying , I suddenly knew I had to live . That no matter how 'ugly' or 'different' or 'strangely funny' i was , who cares , I'm 15 now , just 3 more years then I can live on my own terms!!!!! None of these people will be with me 10 years later . Yupp no great point living when we eventually have to die , but whats the point of taking yourself to that uncertainity . Live and enjoy , mind you , do whatever you want to , yes , one day you'll die , but for now - chill and have fun , no matter what they say , live for yourself , pursue all your dreams and in the end , no matter what awaits you beyond , look back and be able to say 'it was worth living' .
PS- Write back and keep updating . Love you dear girl/guy , though I don't know you would be interested in opening up or not , but c'mon life's too short to be wasted . AND DO WRITE BACK . ON my e-mail ID if possible .

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Aaa says:
11 Jun, 2015 11:46 PM

I've read it all, well if you really wanna know why we live try to read more about Islam..
You can contact me whenever u want, i can help.

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no one says:
13 Jun, 2015 09:04 PM

through out d story i just smiled. Totally dear u r 1 of a kind. Even my life is ful of misery but i never for hell sake possess guts to go beyond my ethical and moral values.. I just belve lyf is suffrn u have to on your own find ways to cope up wit it. Just be calm relax n belve in GOD Almighty..seek sprituals sites. It works wonder. And last u r just awesome kudos for ur bravery #ATTAGIRL

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ADepressedLife says:
15 Jun, 2015 01:29 AM

Thank you all for your helpful comments and motivation! I am always reading every comment and appreciate everything said! If you would like to get in touch with me, you can follow me and message me on twitter @ADepressedLife :)

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Mackenzie says:
15 Jun, 2015 04:20 AM

I don't know your name or really anything about you, but I do know this: if you're asking yourself why you are here, it turns out many others are asking the same question. Now why have you gone from thinking this to wanting to die? I understand that you were suffering and and in pain and depressed, but since you asked your question, wouldn't you like to know the answer? Wouldn't living long enough tell you? I have thought about this many many times. I don't know why we're here. Actually, to tell you the truth, no one does. But commiting suicide isn't going to help anything, I mean did it before? Sometimes you're just going to have to deal with it. You may never know why you were put here or why anyone was, but that's okay. Since you were out here, you have a purpose. Don't freak yourself out by thinking about stuff you don't need to put your mind to. If you go the rest of your life thinking "you know what? I am here, I am still living even after I didn't want to and my parents and my friends stuck around and I'm doing fine. Maybe I'm still unsure of myself, but that doesn't mean that taking my life is the answer" you just might be happy. You were put here for a reason, or you were not. But that doesn't matter, okay? If taking your life means that it isn't worth living any more, then it's your responsibility to MAKE it worth living so you never feel that way again.

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Turner says:
15 Jun, 2015 08:24 PM

I experienced this in my mid-20's; I tried committing suicide at least 10 times. Went to the hospital every single time except for when I attempted to hang myself. Not everyone has taunting voices in their head, which only means that you're special. As I was reading the comments, I saw that someone said that if you commit suicide, it's only selfish. They're right. Just think about that for a while, & prove to everyone that you aren't a psychotic freak.

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Turner says:
15 Jun, 2015 08:27 PM

I have a saying that states: "When you live, you learn; when you learn, you learn to love. When you learn to love, you find love. When you find love, you have something to wait for at death." That is the reason you live: to wait for your love life. Don't commit suicide just because you can't spend a little time doing whatever.

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Lourdes says:
16 Jun, 2015 08:12 PM

hey there, i think you're not a loser, i appreciate it that you told us your problem, you're (how i think) a very nice person and hope you get better and feel normal very soon.
-Lourdes.

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M$LEH says:
17 Jun, 2015 10:05 AM

you will get throuugh this i have

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''SKETCH'' says:
17 Jun, 2015 10:21 AM

i was listening to Christina Aguilera say something i'm giving up on you, after class a few minutes ago at the media centre and read the comments while listening to the song and those comments were heartbreaking so i decided to search for stories and ended up in this website when i found this story just to get the feeling.
your story tells me you are a strong person and is capable of doing the impossible its just that you have not seen that yet. God brought you here for a reason only he knows and pretty soon you will find that out you've attempted suicide 3 times yet your still living that must clearly mean something,just stay strong as you are and keep on trying in the end you will be grateful.

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Abhilasha kadian says:
18 Jun, 2015 03:27 AM

Hey even I'm going through the same. .
But we will have to keep fighting for our existence n that too happily :-)

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Lily evans says:
19 Jun, 2015 06:37 PM

Hey there. I too used to go thru the same problems dat u r. Attempted suicide once. But then i realised dat i need to live for those who love n care for me. Think of them. Dont give a damn for ppl who think u r a freak. Live ur life.

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Simi says:
22 Jun, 2015 04:41 PM

hey..the same problem is with me..also we both are of same age.i'm helpless and just can't discuss my problem to anyone because i know everyone will think that i am a psycho and just think too much..my parents also have no
idea about my problem .i'm just so frustrated and now i too think that i'm a perfect psycho.But then i felt relieved when i found that there are some people in this whole world like me.huh..hmm..i can't say anymore ..reply me if u wanna talk more on this topic

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Violet says:
23 Jun, 2015 01:24 AM

I am 13 and I think you are really inspiring bc you can get thorough it.

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Jenesh says:
23 Jun, 2015 07:40 AM

You need Lord Jesus in your life, no matter what problem there is in life, God helps. he died for you so that you can live. Take all your burdens to God and you will find peace and recovery you have been looking for. God bless you...

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Anne says:
23 Jun, 2015 09:53 AM

Killing yourself isn't an option. Maybe after this life you will end in another world that's more worse then this one and maybe you can't escape from that world. Think about the things that make you happy. It will help. I had this too. I know how you feel, keep on trying. I know you will be happy again some day. I'm happy too right now. If you want to die than think about your family and how worse they are going to miss you if you'll die. Keep on moving and smile. Hold on pain ends

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Raina says:
25 Jun, 2015 02:03 AM

I just wanna say that I think u r the most strong person ever. U keep on living even though u it hurts. Thank u for being someone the world needs more of. People who never give up and r strong enough to do what u did.

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lYHIEN says:
25 Jun, 2015 08:08 AM

i believed that everyone of us has a personaly problem. no one will say that they don't have problem no matter how rich they are and how smart they are, but if you trust in God i really believed that all things what big your problems are. you can feel that you have assurance to pass all your troubles in life. if you just believed in God. all i can say is just pls. believed in God just pray and believed in Him. His the only one who can help us.

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mukund says:
29 Jun, 2015 07:06 AM

not all the time but sometimes i wonder ....i deserve something better but what i doing i dont meant for this...this question always strike me and put me in a bad mood

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Aryan says:
29 Jun, 2015 01:55 PM

Realy its too hard to thnk abot such things in a propr way....m also vry deprssd ...yes mine is becoz of smthing else.....but still i must say that u hav alot of courage..

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Maddie says:
29 Jun, 2015 07:38 PM

Hello,
I don't really know why I am on this website, i decided to look up some sad stories because I'm having a hard time and I guess I wanted to prove to myself that others are having a much harder time than me. There are a lot of articles on this website but something about yours caught my eye, I question why we are here too, what is the point? Why should we have jobs if we're just going to die after a while. You are a beautiful person, even though I have no idea who you are, everyone is beautiful. Life is precious, to live is rare, most people just exist. Do what you want to, don't let anyone control your life, you should never let anyone change you, you are in control, it is your life, live it.
I might not have helped but I couldn't not post a comment after reading your article, I hope everything gets so much better.
Maddie

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Xx_Dying_Inside_xX says:
30 Jun, 2015 11:17 PM

I really am sorry that this happens to you. You never deserved this. I only hope that it get better for you, cuz that's what you deserve! This website is a really good website to use as an outlet for your feelings to help you control them. I had a website I went to before and it was a great thing, it really helped me get past cutting. Good luck!!!

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Ivan says:
03 Jul, 2015 06:41 PM

I thought about te same thing. So my solution is to become a billionaire so that I can invest in an eternal life potion and live forever. Working on that now and doing well at 22.

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James says:
06 Jul, 2015 05:48 AM

Sometimes I ask myself that question that u used to and to this day I do but your not a freak if Bering different outs called being a freak then so am i we just take timbre to l look and ask questions

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ShakeItBacon says:
06 Jul, 2015 07:05 PM

Guys I know y'all are trying to help her but can y'all please not put your God in this. It makes me uncomfortable. Thank you

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Maddie says:
07 Jul, 2015 06:29 AM

I tried being normal once worst 2mins of ny life and it's ok not to be normal I'm a wacko in a good way and so are u we weren't all made the same so we didn't have to be bored in a world of the same I want u 2 know many people out there luv u even though they may not know u they do I've had so many tormenting times

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Isaac says:
07 Jul, 2015 08:04 PM

Don't ever think of killing yourself again. Your amazing and beautiful and you don't deserve to feel this way. Just think of the positives in life. It will be ok.

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tikzi says:
08 Jul, 2015 08:31 PM


I wish u all the best in lyf. ur story was so touching I cried until I finish reading it. but all I can say u wont die until god decide bcoz he brings u in this world by purpose

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Samantha says:
08 Jul, 2015 08:39 PM

Hy l just want to say don't give up just stay strong n have faith in God because attempting suicide iisn't the best option just belive in God BECOZ WITH GOD NOTHING
IS IMPOSSIBLE

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Samantha says:
08 Jul, 2015 08:41 PM

N oh sorry if my comment came late l just read the story now

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May says:
09 Jul, 2015 09:44 PM

Listen. You are not a loser. You are not weird. I still don't know how many times I need ti tell you this, but you are a beautiful person. You are too beautiful to have your life end so soon. I know how you feel. There are times when I just want to hide away from the rest of world and die. But trust me, no matter how bad everything gets, everything will get better in the end. Your story literally brought me to tears because it was so sincere an heartfelt. Please hold on and stay strong, because one day, you will look back on this and you will say "Holy shit, did I really go through all that. I could have ended my life again if I wanted, but I realize now hat I am the strongest person alive." When you look back on that, you will know that not only have you faced your fears, you have overcome them. I am certain that if you face your demons and destroy them, you will be, in my eyes, a real-life Superman with no Kryptonite. That's how strong I will consider you.

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ADepressedLife says:
10 Jul, 2015 10:41 AM

Thank you to evrry one commenting helpful messages, it really does make my day coming on this and seeig people really care!

You can get in touch with me anytime on twitter @ADepressedLife!

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Subham says:
11 Jul, 2015 08:02 PM

I dnt knw who r u.....but I cant cntrol tell you myself....yaar we are all knw oneday we will be finished.... But yaar its nt gd at all k..u attmpts suicide ....r u a cwrd...life is not about the achive happiness .....life is about face it yourself ....life is a full a pakkage of happiness sorrow smiling ........dn whn u hv a full pkkge dn y u r so think at all ...live life....dnt look back... Chill .....doing fun...nd be interestng...nd trst me whts the prblm u hv its dnt hv any physciologist...u need love.... A true....dn u will hv a reason to live...understand my frnd

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Connie says:
12 Jul, 2015 08:23 AM

Hello. I am so sorry to hear your story and my heart goes out to you. To be honest with you, I don't think you are weird or anything other than curious and want to learn the meaning of life. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think it just shows you are an individual capable of deep thought. I believe you have been very misunderstood by those around you, making you feel out of place, especially when shallow people keep gossiping and exaggerating about you, but please do not let anyone lower your perception of yourself. You are worth more than you probably think. There is so much you can do in your life that can make you happy. Perhaps just wait a few years until you can bring yourself to a new environment and maybe get a job and meet new people. Let the people get to know you as you are and you will realise how lovable you truly are. You will feel so much better then and thereafter. Screw the medications... They just numb your feelings if not worsen them... Also, just be grateful that you are physically and mentally abled, because this is what can most likely help you discover all the things you will learn to love about life... whether it's cute animals, the beautiful night sky, cycling by the beach, sweet sweet music, etc. Don't give up on yourself, ok? Take care please! :D

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mary says:
13 Jul, 2015 09:13 AM

Jesus is true and He loves you, and can heal you, find hope in Him,

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mary says:
13 Jul, 2015 09:15 AM

healings are happening in kenya, online radio and web available repent and prepare the way

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luvina says:
13 Jul, 2015 07:09 PM

Hey bro u been through a lot of confusions aren't u....i know no humans can't answer ur questions....so,i took it to my counsellor JESUS..he told me tat he loves u sooo much he s jus waitin fr u to call unto him...jus call him aloud fr one time he comes near u...he also said tat t world needs u and the best s yet to cm n ur life n my small advice to u s tat instead of thinkin hw to kill urself jus try to find or share ur true love...LOVE IS EVERYTHING,even tis comments are out of love bro u r nt useless... U R A TRUE MASTERPIECE OF GOD...a unique n special one..Best of luck bro...

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aylah says:
14 Jul, 2015 03:44 AM

that's so sad stay strong

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Skyler says:
15 Jul, 2015 08:13 AM

Hey, I can kinda feel where your coming from. I have social anxiety and depression as well. But I also have insomnia. That's why I'm writing this at 3:12 am. But if this post isn't to late. I would love to talk to u. Text me 615-969-3870

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Alex says:
17 Jul, 2015 10:28 PM

Hello, I am thirteen and go to high school. I came on this website looking for inspiration on something to write about ???? sorry. Anyways I am a proud Christian and in the start of your engaging story, you said that you don't know if there's a God. I'm not trying to force you to become Christian I'm just trying to help you out because (do not get offended) I honestly can't stand people throwing their lives away when it's not even their fault in many ways. I recommend you to watch God's not dead (it's kinda new). This movie taught me a lot of things. And I just wanted to say I wasn't sure I believed in God last year. But then I remembered what happened to me in grade 4, I was only little about 9 years old. And one night I drew a picture of the sky. Lines of clouds. And the next day I remember looking up in school. And my drawing was in the sky. I'm not joking. And I know that your thinking that's such a little thing to be believing but its true. And many other experiences. I don't know if this was any help, I only focused on the Religion part because I'm too young to be knowing about all that stuff you were talking about that you're symptoms of. I hope this was a helping hand in some way. Also don't take this the wrong way at all but, my whole family and what I know of, Christians believe suicide is a one way ticket to hell.

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Juliana says:
17 Jul, 2015 11:28 PM

I hope that you'll be better now. And find your purpose here on Earth.

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Someone says:
18 Jul, 2015 04:15 AM

Hey i have felt the same way as you did but i just kept getting used to it,believe me this will be all over once you get used to it,have fun with your life never give up.thank u

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Emily Dubon says:
18 Jul, 2015 05:30 AM

I liked your story .. I feel like I can properly help you .. I kinda has the same problem .. Email me anytime to talk

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Kai Strachan says:
18 Jul, 2015 09:57 PM

Hi man. Listen. I know exactly how you feel. Just like everyday I'm feeling depressed and listening to sad music so I decided to read some sad stories. I'm almost crying because I can't believe I've found someone like you. Someone who can understand my pain and suffering. Someone who can actually understand. Just like you, one day it hit me. What's the point of living? I grow up constantly abused by my parents. I've always wanted to kill myself an I've hidden it from everyone. No one in the world understands my suffering and I always thought no one would, but then I found you. You skind like a really nice guy and I think we could be good friends. I know once you read the next sentence you will think I'm just a stupid person who hasn't experienced life at all to know suffering. I'm 12 years old. Now you know. Do you think I'm a troll? Probably do. I'm being truthful and I've wanted to kill myself for sometime now but I just don't know how. I can't speak to anyone about my problems because no one will understand my suffering. I took a depression test online and realised I have depression. I didn't lie one bit. I haven't told anyone even my parents because they will just think I'm lying and call me stupi and give me a 4 hour lecture. I you don't think I'm a lame troll please send me a message or add me or something. My phone number is 07555 274088. I've never had a true friend before. I think we could be good friends. Real life or not. I have whatsapp. I've always tried to find happiness but it ended sadly. I hope I will find it someday. Thanks for reading. Good luck. Contact me if you can.
- Kai Strachan :)

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sapphire says:
18 Jul, 2015 11:04 PM

Your story was sad and lonely and i know your not a loser or weird you just thought that you didnt matter in this world but there is always a reason to keep living no matter what it may be ok so dont give up.

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ellen says:
06 Sep, 2015 11:32 AM

hey
i was so moved by your story.
I am suffereing with depression as well, so i know how u feel.
I am really only on this site cause i cant sleep and im waiting for my parents to go to bed so i can grab my laptop and what arrow.
Anyway u probs dont want to hear my life story.
I guess the only reason im commenting is, although u dont know me, i care, and im not some creepy stalker btw im only 14.
Anyway, i care.
Ellen

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mohammed shereef says:
24 Sep, 2015 04:05 PM

I'm sorry first of all.
I serched sad storys to make my girl friend to get more attach to me but evry thng turnd fairy tale.
That Moment i understod hw happy i'm. I have blessd with a gud family,friends, and my girl too.
So Insted of telling her sad storys i tell my hapiness and funny things.
Then She tell me that she like the person who am i now.
I undrstod Whome i'm and wot to be.
By Undrstanding myself i get releif from evry pain
Thank You

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Joel Addun says:
09 Oct, 2015 10:07 PM

You started questioning God...the world? But dont juat be happy? You ruin your life by questioning your self. Its just a matter of acceptance that we are here to have a challenge,thats why.we are living...if you give up...then you are realy a looser.giving up is not a solution...you have your family.!!! Try to talk to them and be happy...they love you so much!

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Bkboy says:
06 Nov, 2015 03:16 PM

It sounds like you have OCD just like me and I think that because that is what are behind all my thoughts that are quite similar. Thoughts of death and religion are my everyday struggle. I found I could relate to your story for lots of reasons. I'm 16 and I guess your 17 and u dealt with the same crap as me but its the way it happened that I find interesting. I have social anxiety and I know how much of a bitch it is and it doesn't matter who you are or what u look like if u have anxiety u just know. I felt pretty bad reading what you wrote because I've heard a lot of bad stories as it is because I've spent a year and nine months in a group home from like 2012- 2014ish. I was caught in the middle of a divorce and neither of my parents could take care of me because " it wasn't safe" so CAS sent me to a group home when I was fourteen and the second youngest person there when I arrived was 16 I was the youngest by two years and had OCD Anxiety and became depressed. I was told I was not safe and was also told I would only be at this group home for only three months. Im telling you my story because I read stories like these everyday and never have I found one so relatiable and your storie kind of inspired me to write I guess. I've never told anybody my full story I keep things from every person I know because I can't seem to express what's on my mind I have things I've had to hide from my parents and brothers even the court system. I took the full impact from my parents divorce and I've his things for years for fear of getting my family in more trouble but doing this meant I had to survive in this group home for almost two years with the constant threat of being jumped or even becoming bitch of the unit it was a hard thing to wrap my mind around. I couldn't take the pressures of being told every few months that I had to wait even longer because my mom didn't want me or because my dad had started drinking again and now everything about my life is pretty fucked because now I'm back home yay. But I have to ignore the fact that I stayed in this place because of my parents and I had also stayed there seven times longer then the original three months I had been told and of course I still have anxiety and depression and of course my OCD the worst of them all. I had self harmed a lot in that group home and that becomes another part of my past I hide from the world everyday with sleeves. I also attempted suicide three times. Twice slitting my wrist on top of a vain both failed thou. And the third was the night I thought I had died. I paid a other resident to save all his pills he got and to give them to me and he did because money or smokes back then meant more than my life to somebody so I had a handful of pills and of course I tried to OD but woke up with cops and paramedics at my bed so I told them it was THC pills and they left and that's all I remember until I woke up disapointed that I was still alive it was a really wierd feeling. But now I'm back in school failing three classes and scraping by another and with two years of school still ahead of me but I don't see a future ahead of me because I have no intreast in any job everything in this world has become meaningless to me and I've been considering myself dead by twenty for about a year now. But I don't like bringing other people down because I would never wish my life upon my worst enemy just the things I've seen and done and the constant thoughts from OCD drives me a bit nuts but I encourage others to find the meaning in there lives because If u still can enjoy life then great don't think other wise because wisdom is the real pain.

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Jordy says:
11 Nov, 2015 08:43 AM

I am 14 years old, and sometimes i wonder why we are even on this earth. I havnt told many people but yeah sometimes i feel like ending life, but there is a reason why we have been brought onto this earth...to love one another:)

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ADepressedLife says:
15 Nov, 2015 04:11 PM

Thanks everyone for all the helpful comments!

@Bkboy I would love to hear from you personally, please get in touch! I know from your story of what crap you've been through now and I'm glad my story inspired you to write your own. I can relate to so much of what you have said but from different experiences. All I can say is say strong and just keep your head up, I'm still looking for my reason to live and I guess it's just a matter of time until I discover it. Life may not be work living but just keep fighting through those negative thoughts. I mean you've continued and fought on until now, so if you give up, what was the fight for?

Just believe! (Get in touch @ADepressedLife on twitter.)

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Garima says:
24 Jan, 2016 04:52 PM

Hi...actually I wanted to let you know something......see we all are a part of this nature and we are not the bodies we've been provided. These are just like clothes.....we change everyday and likewise the soul remains the same....we just change into different lifeforms. And it is believed that while dying if you take God's name... you don't get another birth but a heritage under the GOD in heaven.?????

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alex says:
07 Mar, 2016 12:38 PM

Hello, about over a year ago I wrote a comment on this post, I have been trying to find your story for the past half hour. I finally found it, and it is great to hear your recovering. I know I am not a big part in your life, but you sure are in mine. I hope your life gets much better. I will pray for you every night.

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Shealynn says:
12 Mar, 2016 06:59 AM

Hello.. I loved your story I have went through the same this and I would love to chat more with you.. XOXO - Shealynn Mae french if you would like to chat.. I'm on Facebook :)

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Africa says:
17 Mar, 2016 03:48 PM

hello!
we people on earth always questionned ourself those similar question it is true that we will work hard and then die after.it is not a good thing to kill youself my friend.try and come visit africa you will find yourself loving your life more than anything .it is not that there is insecurity or sickness or hunger oh yea there is some part they do hve those problems.. but it is bcz our parents tought us to live everyday like if it was the last one ....those voices you used to hear it ws coming from satan n his demons.for you to believe it is they mission completed on earth cs satan came on earth to destroy, kill and steal,so he destroyed you,he stole your mind n then aftr he told y not ending it.?glad you ddnt do it till now .my aunt used to tell me that i have a guardian angel beside me so when tryin to do wrong thing he ll immediately reacts ,so i hope ur guardian angel is still and will always tell you the gud thing to do and kindly respect him or her...u ll be good and enjoy life again...take care of yourself , it is really hard to battle and get a a good life but with willngness u ll be fine....

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Emma says:
20 Mar, 2016 10:06 AM

Just think that someone is there for you who really cares for you....may you understand me...thats a great thing for me

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Oswald says:
22 Mar, 2016 09:36 AM

So glad to know you are alive and trying! Have you ever thought of playing sports,soccer, basketball, tennis.... Interact with people, help some senior citizens, sit and talk with them, hear their stores, you could learn quite a lot from them. Look around you, look at the birds and other animals, the mountains and the trees, the rivers and seas, these thing have a purpose for mankind,there is sure a reason for us being here. While science and religion search to find out, we must, you and I keep the world alive, WE HAVE A REASON, DO NOT GIVE UP!

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Jack says:
04 May, 2016 03:25 AM

Hey, your not the only one with suicidal thoughts. I have them too. Please don't think that you are alone. Your not.

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angel says:
30 Jul, 2016 02:32 AM

sometimes i'm asking myself too if there is really god ? why i need to go to school ? for what ? for the future , for a job and then die .. i was thinking that too -_-'

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thingsownpeople says:
11 Nov, 2016 04:43 PM

Do you have a religion? If I didn't, I'd have killed myself long ago, seriously. But my religion tells me that I should keep on being tested in this mortal life, so I can live happy in the other immortal one. It all makes sense if you search it well, and most importantly, if you be honest to yourself. Because there is a truth, you just have to find it. I can say there is a god who created all of this system, space, nature. And this system is really beautiful. But the system that's been created by the human, is shitty. I mean this lifestyle by that. That being "normal", like not every human is a world in themselves. Going to school, getting a job, unnecessary working for some people while some of the rich people not working at all and having everything. What seems right is, seeing the movie "Into the Wild", and going out of this shitty system to the nature itself, like Christopher McCandless did. And also doing what god wants us to, like praying and staying connected to him. Because I believe, there is a god. Or, you can try to live a happy life with getting what want from this system, by doing what you love, your passion. For me, that passion is making movies, which I'm gonna do if I don't run away from the country to a place with less people, no police or shit like that. A place that I can live just free, and not alone.

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Suhaim says:
16 Jan, 2017 05:48 PM

I am returning to this page after a duration of 2 years.
Yes returning , i read your story 2 years ago.
Then it was another story that i have read. The reason why i am here is beacuse i went on with your start and developed on it. Yes we started alike.
Yes i would want to communicate with you, trust me there are many things you dont see, i wont try to show you but i think i can help you find them yourself because even i am trying to.
Until our next communication.
Awaiting Your Reply
suhaim.ahamed@yahoo

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Shinu says:
16 Apr, 2017 03:26 PM

Brought tears into my eyes

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Camille says:
24 Apr, 2017 02:54 PM

I really love this story. I hope you fully recover soon and feel normal.

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Someone says:
09 Jun, 2017 09:29 PM

Poor… Ur story is very sad, but don't give up! Hope u'll be okay ????

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Paul says:
21 Jun, 2017 12:30 PM

Hello,
I read your story and shade tears. But i have got this for you, do not think of death as an option coz God is under control.

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Lalisa says:
25 Aug, 2017 03:34 AM

Hi there.i don't even know how i ended up to this blog. Maybe because i was searching the depression story. I mean the real story. I've bern through thr same things as yours right now. I've been crying a lot this lately. I would questioned myself why do i live? Then, i would go through the internet trying to find some depression and sad story. Everday, i wake up feelings so sad that the rest of my day would become so dull and gloomy. Yeah. I would just put the smile on my face for the whole day but the reality is, it just a mask for me because i don't want anyone to realize how I've been doing. When i try to talk about this with my friends, i think there's something that block me from doing it. I am a happy girl. My friends knew me as the happiest girl the ever met. But the reality is not. I think that i might fall deep into the depression. I don't to be like this. Half of me want to be happy as before but another half if me is dying. Help me.

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