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The Suicide Note

CrystalWolfTear

10 Sep, 2014 08:11 PM

22nd September 2014,

I am not holding anyone responsible for what I have done, nor am I blaming anyone who may happen to be reading this. Furthermore, I want to avoid any feeling of guilt or upset. There was no way you could have saved me, nor was there a way you could have possibly known; My mind has been set and I was determined to achieve this end result. I disguised my plans quite well, I just needed to find the right time and the right way, and now that you are reading this, it seems that I have found it.

I don't want anyone to feel that I did this because I was weak and tired, no I just felt out of place, like a burden, or more like a failure; constantly feeling hopeless and more often than not, experiencing loneliness. But the feeling has been, until recently, quite blunt... And to think, the only thing that has stopped me attempting suicide earlier was the feeling of uncertainty... Once, I believed that things would get better, but then adding to that, I hated the thought of waking up to the knowledge of a failed suicide attempt.

There came a time when I felt unsure if I wanted to do this, whether this was the right way out... I was taunted by a burning question buried in the back of my mind, why should I struggle? I was scared to discover who I really was inside. It seemed that the 15 years that I lived through have shaped my thoughts into suicide; nonetheless I have grown a lot, not just in height but in maturity aswell. I have been through ups and downs; gaining and losing friends along the way and most importantly, learning who my real friends are. But that didn't help me keep strong, surely all that I have gained was a little bit of wisdom.

It came to the point where, without a lie, I could have been optimistic but I was just tired of making everything seem like an opportunity, and acting as if everything was worth it in the end. Yeah, sure it might get better but chances are that it will not. In the end, we realize that trying to impress someone or oneself usually ends up giving quite the opposite result, and so seeing this effect, I decided to stop trying.

I lived out my life caught in a lie; keeping mostly to myself; hence why I haven't told anyone of my upcoming plans. I guess I was afraid to burden them with the feeling of guilt. Just know that the only person to blame for this is me; as there is only so much that one person can take.

Good bye

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Elizabeth says:
12 Sep, 2014 10:07 PM

You are loved dear. Please don't do anything drastic.

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Kate says:
14 Sep, 2014 03:49 PM

Do you think this is the right way to end this? To be frank with you, you have chosen the wrong part. If you are a religious person or probably a christain you should know that God does not support that you take your own life with your hands. Suicide is not biblical. All these are happening to because you keep on holding on to your past, you keep on dwelling in darkness and you refuse to see the promises your creator "GOD" has for you. Allow JESUS to take control and you will see everything will be fine. GOD is able to do just what he says he would do. He will fulfil every promise to you. Please, dnt give up on GOD because he wont give up on you. Commiting suicide will on make satan happy. Put satan to shame by trusting GOD and his WORDS. I would advice you to tak a peep in d bible at anytime you feel down. GOD is your strenght.

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abby says:
20 Sep, 2014 02:03 AM

stay strong, dont do anything drastic.

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Kirk says:
20 Sep, 2014 06:44 PM

There was a time that I felt a lot like this... actually, pretty much exactly the same. I didn't have anything bad going in my life, I still don't, and yet I felt the desire to no longer be apart of this world. If you take a step back and look at it as a whole, yeah, the world is pretty messed up. People hurt other people for no reason, money is defines most people's lives, and we are all selfish in our own way. I encourage anyone who is reading this comment to check out a speech given by David Foster Wallace to a graduating class from Kenyon University entitled "This is Water". Basically, it is about breaking away from thinking in a way called the "default setting" which is that no matter where you are or what is going on, YOU are at the center of the universe. Everything revolves around you because if other people knew what you were going through, and how annoying it is to have to wait in line at the grocery store while other people, who aren't as important as you, get their groceries first. The thing is, we have to learn that everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, thinks in this same way all the time. But by being able to break away from this mentality, we are able to DECIDE how to see other people. For all you know that jerk who cut you off in traffic could be trying to get his pregnant wife to the hospital, or the lady in the grocery store yelling at her overly-energetic son that he cannot have a candy bar has actually stayed up the past 3 nights holding the hand of her husband who is dying of bone cancer. None of these things are very likely, but they aren't impossible. So basically what I am trying to say is that the most important truth to know isn't something like what life is after death, because the real truth is what life is BEFORE death. Making the most of the time you have. Because if you live your life with the mentality that things need to be the way YOU need them to be, you will never be truly happy, or satisfied. And so, when I learned this, I realized that even though I am not a very selfish person, I was still thinking with this mindset, and that was the reason why is was so unhappy. The way I got over my depression was by seeing the world through multiple lenses, and accepting the fact that sometimes, things aren't going to go my way. This can be anything from not being able to go out with my friends because I have too much work, to having the feeling that the entire world is collapsing on top of me with me screaming for help but getting no response from anyone. The thing is though, that even in these times when I feel like there is no escape, all I have to do is remember that I'm not alone in this fight. Because there is someone, somewhere who has it much worse than me and who is still able to fight through it somehow. I realized that if they are able to do it, I can too, and even if no one else recognizes how hard it is to continue living in the situations I'm in, I have to come back to the realization that this is just part of life, and although it may seem like it's not worth it in the end, it is still the most precious thing I have, and I cannot give that up because some parts of my life don't go the right way.

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Serenity says:
22 Sep, 2014 08:03 PM

Guys... She's gone. Her attempt worked :(

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nicole whaley says:
24 Sep, 2014 04:02 PM

I'm consered you not feeling any empathy what so ever can I ask why did you write this ? Where's you guide to lean on? There's also a moment of hope and courage think of every thing you'd be giving up? Does that not matter . I understand your doubts and view of life just why? Its not significant ?

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Flightless says:
30 Sep, 2014 06:54 PM

I can't believe you left... I miss you darling </3 it was great knowing you... I will wait for you until we meet again...

Dying is a gift, so close your eyes and rest in peace. Goodbye Crystal

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Victoria says:
06 Oct, 2014 11:00 PM

Even though nobody would pro read this but somdtimes i feel the same way but going to church helps me

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Tranquil says:
08 Nov, 2014 07:07 PM

she died @victoria and @nicole whaley; her attempt worked....

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i was once happy says:
09 Nov, 2014 04:03 AM

Omg she died?

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shajar says:
09 Nov, 2014 10:41 AM

MAY ALLAH REST HER SOUL IN PEACE..

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Uma says:
25 Nov, 2014 04:35 AM

Rest in Peace. We know you didn't find it on earth, but maybe you will wherever you are now.

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Rocket says:
27 Nov, 2014 05:47 PM

This is so sad but not even this can make me feel any worse than I already am

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Mmmmm says:
28 Nov, 2014 05:18 AM

Flightless, u won't see her again, the bible says that u can't enter heaven if u kill yourself but I pray for her, maybe GOD give her second chance?

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Just maybe says:
28 Nov, 2014 05:22 AM

God! Please don't let her go downstairs! I kmow that she committed suicide, but please just give her a second chance! Let her find peace! Pls don't send her downstairs! At least purgatory?

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Silence says:
28 Nov, 2014 08:51 PM

She indeed has died @i was once happy; I lost my best friend to suicide... </3
I believe it would have meant a lot to her @Uma and @shajar. If only she could reply...

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Silence says:
30 Nov, 2014 09:46 PM

For a moment I'm a poet without words; speechless cause she has loved me at my worst. She doesn't deserve this hell... She suffered enough on Earth.

I am not a believer myself, but I shall pray that she goes to heaven; hasn't Earth been enough of a hell for her?

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Silenct says:
17 Jan, 2015 04:07 PM

I keep coming back to this suicide note; it's filled with so much emotion that I cannot stop re-reading it...

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Grieving says:
23 Feb, 2015 07:50 PM

every time I re-read this, I realize what an amazing friend I lost...God I miss her so much it's unbelievable. I cannot stop blaming my self for this!

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Chain Reaction says:
13 Apr, 2015 10:15 PM

... Oh my god.. this is horrible.. :'(

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Anonymous says:
19 Apr, 2015 11:07 AM

</3 :')

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:-( says:
28 Apr, 2015 03:17 AM

I'm so sorry to hear she suffered and couldn't find the answers. People deserve better :-( Maybe she's free from pain at least... I hope.

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anonymous says:
30 Apr, 2015 02:02 AM

I just wish these kids could live long enough to see the beauty in life...

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Plaster smile says:
13 Jul, 2018 10:59 AM

While all heads were bow in prayer, no one notice a beautiful soul lights go out for the last time...

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