Vote +32

Words Unsaid


23 Aug, 2014 02:43 PM

I didn't see her. I just heard the scream. I can't imagine anyone else would have recognised her scream, but I had been listening to her every day since we were five. I'd heard her scream before. Not often, but once or twice over the years.

I was in the middle of an exam, near the end of the year in the eleventh grade when I heard that scream, and the last time I would ever hear her speak. I ran without thinking. I ran out of the classroom (completely ignoring my teacher as I passed) and down the stairs. The closest stairs were the ones that ran down the centre of the school. Had I been looking, I would have seen that the door to the roof was unlocked. Had I been looking, I would have immediately blamed myself. I found the combination to the door to the roof of the school, just the year before. I figured it out, and I was the one who sneaked up there with her the first time. If I had seen the open door when I ran past, then I might have stopped. I might not have kept running. I might have stopped where I was and never left that place.
But as it happened, I ran straight past, with only one thing on my mind: Celia.

Celia is, I suppose, the great star-crossed love of my life. Star-crossed because she couldn't love me back. Star-crossed because she didn't know, and had no reason to suspect, that I ever loved her as anything more than a friend. Star-crossed because she liked boys. And in her eyes, I was just her straight best friend. I never got the chance to tell her that I didn't fall in love with a gender, I fell in love with people, and that's why I fell in love with her. Because as people go, Celia is the most beautiful human being I have ever met.

It took me ten years to realise I was in love with her. We'd gone to watch a movie we'd both been excited for, just over a year before... As it is with watching movies, you kind of forget about everything else, for an hour and a half, two hours. She was completely lost in the screen, and I remember so clearly looking away, and seeing her there next to me, her silhouette in the darkened room, and hardly being able to draw my eyes away. I fell in love with who she was without even realising, and then that day I looked at her, and saw her in that light, and never wanted to look away. When you know someone that well, and have seen them happy, and angry, and scared, and excited, and exhausted, and elated, and every other sliver of the emotional spectrum, then when you look at them, you can see more than just their features, but you see them, written all over their face, in a language only you can read. That night in bed, I just lay awake thinking about how I was in love with someone who would never love me back.

I was always waiting for the right time to tell her. I talked to another friend about it, after making him swear an oath of secrecy, and all he really managed to say is that there is no good time. There is no good time. But either way, I waited. And I wish I told her. I fucking wish I told her.
When I ran out the front of the school on May 23rd 2013, my heart stopped for a moment. In fact, for that moment, everything stopped. The world ceased to turn, just for one moment.

Because when I ran out the front of the school on May 23rd 2013, Celia was lying motionless on the tarmac.
When I think about it now, I have to accept that the earth spun on, and people were born, and people died, and couples kissed, and couples broke up, and people got married. Some people will remember that day as the happiest day of their lives.

I ran to her. Or maybe I just appeared at her side, because I don't remember moving. I do remember trying. I remember rolling her onto her back, and seeing how covered in blood she was. I remember screaming at some faceless person who had followed me out to call 911. I remember being the first person to get to her. I remember feeling for her pulse, and listening for some sign of breathing. Some sign that she was still with me, that I hadn't lost her. I remember how she still felt warm, but it was a lie. I remember doing CPR frantically, desperately, uselessly, until an ambulance came. Why was I doing CPR, and not someone else? I remember a paramedic pulling me off her. I don't remember screaming and crying, although I have no doubt I did both. What I do remember is them lifting her... her body onto a stretcher and covering her... or it up.

I might have blacked out. Or maybe I just don't remember anything of what happened next.
I broke into her locker later. I took some of her things. Her family didn't want them, and I didn't want to let them go. I took the clothes she kept there and her perfume. It still smelled like her, in there. I never found a note, or message. I never found out why.

But mostly, I never told her I loved her. I never said. After she died, I said the words hundreds of times; in the shower, in bed, at school, by her grave, on the bus - I love you Celia, I love you. But however many times I said it, and am saying it still, it won't make up for the words left unsaid. The words I left unsaid.

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Eila says:
29 Aug, 2014 01:36 AM

I know's hard my friend.. but u should to be strong and move on your life.. don't let the sadness steel your life..don't give up.

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mariah says:
30 Aug, 2014 03:19 AM

i love this story this made me cry i love it

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Amanda says:
11 Sep, 2014 09:34 PM

This story is so moving. In Celia's honor I will never let those three words go unsaid.

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jessy says:
12 Sep, 2014 08:53 AM

that's exactly what's going on to me right know, except she didn't die only thing was she would never love me back, it's easy to move on, but what you leave behind is what makes it hard. head up man

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Daniel says:
19 Sep, 2014 08:29 AM

This story... Is without a doubt a heartbreaker and I am sorry for your loss. For me, I had this girl that was just mesmirizing and I always thought I could tell her how I felt. She was one of my best friends. But she moved away and I was stuck with feelings that were hard to just push aside. Life is hard. I wish I could have just said those simple words, but I didn't. So now I go on knowing that feeling of emptiness and I will never let that happen again. I hope you find your happiness, Keep strong.

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dracodormiens says:
21 Sep, 2014 05:00 PM

Thank you every one for the lovely comments. It's so nice to feel that some people do care...

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nicole whaley says:
24 Sep, 2014 04:13 PM

Omg ???????? that's terrible can I ask why she did it .
like she never showed any signs what so ever leading to suicide or death. ? what I would do is write a note lay it on her grave and let it be known .. God that's terrible so touching . ????

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dracodormiens says:
24 Sep, 2014 08:56 PM

I searched and searched... and in a way I still am... for some reason. Anything that could explain it; anything at all. I asked all her other friends if they'd seen something, or if she'd said anything to them. When I was strong enough, I finally went through her things. Her family didn't want to look, and her parents gave me most of her stuff. I read stuff she'd written. Mostly it was just harmless stuff, but every homework assignment or doodle hit me like a shock-wave.
I never found anything that even hinted at what might have caused her to feel how she did. I toyed with the idea that it was somehow an accident, or that she was pushed, or blackmailed, but there was nothing. No evidence for anything other than that she decided to jump.
Whatever hurt her - she must have kept it all in.

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pallavi says:
29 Sep, 2014 08:03 AM

While reading this story I deeply got into it I understand hard to forget her ...I truly loved this story. It tought me not to leave words unspoken which u leaved

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Luna says:
25 Oct, 2014 07:51 PM

Such a sad story I might cry . . . ok i cried. This story is so touching and I used to think those words meant nothing anymore, that it was just a way for guys to get in a girls pants but honestly reading this and other stories like this has made me think otherwise. Love has a new meaning for me now. It's something tangible a feeling that causes physical reactions it means that no matter what happens you will always be in love with that person. Now when said person leaves or dies you can move on but you have to try and even when you move on a piece of your heart will still belong to that person. It's ok to move on but don't try to forget about her that's just wrong.

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hussam says:
31 Oct, 2014 04:35 PM

How sad be strong my friend be strong

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I might know why says:
28 Nov, 2014 05:34 AM

I think she was pushed, or, tripped, but when you said you heard a scream I heard one in my head so loud I covered my ears, keep searching, I know there's a note, I feel it in my guts and I'm not even joking I'm kinda psychic

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So sorry for your loss says:
28 Nov, 2014 05:37 AM

OMG, I can't stand blood, but, for a friend, I'd do anything, I woulda done just what u did, u tried, keep trying, I feel embarrassed asking this but, and sorry but I really wanna know, what did she look like after the fall

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